Hi guys.. I just wanted to share what I’m going through at the moment. I think this is the right place for it?
Anyway, I’m happily married, have been so for about a year now. Me and the hubby have a great relationship and I am grateful for the life I have. He’s caring and loving and really is my best friend. The only thing is I’ve been getting increasingly broody over the past few months. Let me give you a bit of background information - I’m 27 years old, so is my hubby. When we got married we did discuss children, and I said I was happy to wait 2-3 years before trying (and I was at the time, although I always loved kids and knew I wanted some, I didn’t feel that need for it anytime soon). But recently I’ve just been feeling like I really want to be a mother.. I have nieces and nephews and love babysitting them, it just makes me really happy. Also a lot of people I know, cousins friends etc are pregnant or having kids.. It’s just making me really wish I could get pregnant and move onto the next stage of my life. I feel like my biological clock is ticking, I know I’m not too old, but girls can have fertility problems at this age as well. It’s hard to explain really.. But it’s just making me sad and I feel like I’m missing something in my life.
I have brought this up with my husband a couple of times.. He gets really defensive. Initially he said that is wasn’t financially viable yet and we should save up and then think about kids. I just agreed with him and left it after that (this was a couple of months ago). I brought it up again last week after our one year anniversary. He got a bit upset and said that I told him I was happy to wait and we’d discussed it.. He also says he isn’t emotionally ready to be a father, plus the financial side of things. He said hes really happy with how things are with just us.. we have freedom, can go on holidays etc. He let slip that if I accidentally got pregnant he would almost feel a dread. And that really scared me. I’m on the pill, and would never come off it without asking him anyway. But I can really see that he isn’t ready. And I am so ready it almost hurts.
Im not quite sure why I am sharing this with all of you. But I can’t talk to anyone about it. If anyone like family or friends ask about our baby plans I just say we are enjoying being married and don’t want children yet. I feel like I have to put on a united front about this. I can’t tell my mum because I don’t want her to get upset or think badly of my husband. I was just wondering if anyone else has been through this or have any advice for me. At the moment I’ve just let it go again and stopped talking about it.. I don’t want to pressurise him, it isn’t right. But I don’t want to start resenting him either?
I think instead of telling him you want to have kids right now, you should discuss when you want kids and compromise. You had agreed to wait 2 - 3 years - well why not plan a pregnancy for before your second anniversary (insofar as you can plan by coming off the pill in about 6 months and actively try).
More than that, discuss what goals you want to achieve before that time - places to travel, moving, financial savings and work towards reaching those goals. This gives both of you control and joint decision-making over your future as opposed to one telling or demanding of the other.
You can tell your husband that after coming off the pill it may take a few months for everything to get back to normal and also there is a time limit on female fertility.
Have you ever taken care of a child (let’s say 3 or under) for several days in a row?
But you didn’t feel your biological clock ticking 1 year ago when you told your husband that you’re happy to wait 2-3 years? That’s a drastic change in views in just 1 year…from 26 to 27. Do you have any medical condition and/or family history that leads you to believe that getting pregnant might be an issue for you?
It’s already been a year, and say then are very fertile and get pregnant within a few months, the baby will be here after a year so in reality they would have waited 2 years.
^ Or she could be one of MANY women who get pregnant after having unprotected sex just 1 time. In which case baby will be here in 9 months.
Besides, she promised her husband before marriage that she would wait 2-3 years before TRYING for a baby. Her husband was not planning on the baby actually being here even on the 2nd anniversary.
I know I’ve changed my tune. I’ve always wanted children young, at least one if not two before I turn 30. But the year leading up to the shaadi was hectic and a bit of a blur.. So the whole kids issue didn’t even enter my mind, or that I’d be ready soo quickly. I’ve even surprised myself to a degree.. So I know I may be being unreasonable and possibly expecting too much from him. It’s just hard to ignore how I feel now. I’ve been working for 5 years now, and happily married, so my next thought has gone to babies.. I’ve looked after nieces and nephews, since they were babies till 5, I totally know how much hard work it is. Sleepless nights, no time for yourself. I feel like I’m ready to make that commitment. But I also understand if my husband isn’t ready I am going to have to wait. I’m just finding it hard to deal with. The only family history or infertility is an aunt of mine, but I’m not sure how relevant that is. I just have a fear that what if we wait another 2 years and then I struggle to conceive?
I think that’s a great idea. I’m the one that’s changed the goalposts, so I have to compromise.. It’ll be nice if I can get some sort of commitment from him to start trying around our 2yr anniversary or just before. It’s not that I desperately want a child right this second, I just wanted the possibility of trying to be sooner rather than later and then leave it in gods hands.
she may get pregnant or she may not, there is no guarantee. it’s a fact that female fertility will decrease with time so the younger you are the better the chances of success.
You promised to wait 2-3 years to start trying…so your husband should not be surprised if you bring this up right after your 2nd anniversary (1 year from now). I can only imagine his shock when you brought up babies even before the 1st anniversary! And btw, have you discussed your fears with you GYN? He/She is familiar with your past/present medical history and should be able to put your mind at ease.
I think you need to wait a few months (2-3)…and then have a calm, practical discussion with your husband. Keep it focused on “US” and “WE”…versus “I” and “you”. Let him know that as discussed prior to your marriage…you would like to go off the pill on your 2nd anniversary. Ask him what BOTH of you can do in the next 8-10 months in order to prepare yourselves for TTC. This way he’s not pressured to trying TTC now, and realizes that you care about his comfort too.
Ask him what his specific concerns are in regards to having a baby. Is he worried about money? If so then how much money does he want to save up before TTC? Discuss who will take care of baby. Will you quit your job and be a stay-at-home mom? If so, can your husband’s current salary support you AND a baby? Do you plan on hiring a nanny/daycare? If so how much will that cost weekly/monthly? Do you have family members near by who can help? Do you already own a home? If not, then when do you two plan on buying a home and how does that figure into the baby plan?
I don’t know the specifics of your life but these are just some ideas I’m brainstorming. Point being talk to your husband about specific concerns he has and how BOTH of you can work together in addressing those concerns in the months leading up to your 2nd anniversary.
BTW, does your husband have any close friends who has children? How is he with your nieces/nephews when you babysit them? Or around other young children in general.
You promised your husband that you would wait 2-3 years. You should at least wait until the second anniversary to discuss this topic again. In the mean time you can find comfort in taking care your little nieces and nephews. See them as your children. It seems that having children right now is really important to you and waiting is really important to your husband. He has been good to you and make your wait being good to him. Sabbar Ka Pal Mittah Howtha Hay
