Hello all,
I am here with another saga of my life. Please help me with your valuable advices.. i cant tell this to anyone i know.
So after all my previous mess (mil asking for my jewellery secretly right after marriage,keeping it as rehen, not getting it back, everyone getting to know, blames, cries, not talking for months ) bil comew from abroad takes responsibility for all her debts, tries to clear all, get me back half of the jewellery whereas the actual shadi ka set i got from my husband s side is SOLD. I dint make a scene or anything.
So now my husband who invested in some company had huge loss. So big bro also helped him with 2lac ( from his wifes savings) 3 months ago..
Now my mil has more debts which bil has to clear hes now asking my husband to return the amount. Since he has no money now. My husband who has no money at hand wants me to get my bangles sold and return his money. Those were from my parents side. And i cant just do that secretly without my parents knowing and i dont want them to b hurt since they know that i have nothing from my husbands side left.
Now please tell me what to do. My husbands says it will b between both of us but it wont b since all my jewellery is in my mums locker..
I do trust my husband but I just dont feel this is right.. i dont know what to do. Please help!
I don't think anyone can guide you properly, but if it was me and my husband needed the money; then yes I would sell the kangans and give him the money, because you're married - It's no longer "what your parents gave" .. "what his parents gave" .. it's more like what you two own together now. You should consider yourself as a team, it makes a lot of tough decisions easier.
This may sound selfish, but if it were me I wouldn't do it ever. Firstly, those gold bangles are from your parents side- how can you sell those? There is sentimental value attached.
Secondly, you already may have limited jewellery left as stuff from in laws side is already gone so you would be left with virtually nothing- that isn't fair on you. And it isn't fair on your husband to ask you this- it was his debt, he should clear it. Fair enough if he was asking you to sell jewellery given from his side that it is a different story (although in my point of view still not acceptable) BUT gold is not cheap these days and I'm sure your parents worked hard to give you what they did- it doesn't seem right to sell it off and I think you need to (in a nice way) make this clear to in laws that your jewellery is YOURS and not a back up plan which can be used when someone goes into debt.
If BIL "has taken responsibility" to clear off MIL's debts.....if he has such a feeling of pride/responsibility/duty toward his mom, then he should be clearing off her debt with his own resources....NOT his bhabi's.
The issue here is pride, no? Your husband basically wants to "save face" in front of his brother and so feels he should give bro the money...."no matter what it takes." How is that fair to you or your parents? Why doesn't your husband just be HONEST woth his brother and say, "Look I don't have the money. I cannot return all of it as a lump sum to you unless I sell my wife's jewelry that was gifted by her parents and has deep sentimental value for her; it's not fair to her."
If his brother really is the khuddar/responsible guy that he seems to be......he will NEVER want to pay off his debts with his bhabi's jewelry; that would be like an insult and it should not "sit well" with his conscience. If he is a smart man.....he will realize that doing so will only put him under more debt than before because then he would be trying to "pay you back" for the jewelry you gave up. It'll be a vicious cycle of udhaar lena, walis karna, lena, phir wapis karna.....lather, rinse repeat.
If your husband can forego this "false pride" of putting on a "front" of financial stability in front of his brother and just be dead-honest about his actual situation.......then maybe his brother can agree to let your husband pay back the debt in more managable amounts and at reasonable intervals. This should be a lesson to BOTH brothers and their mama dearest that .......apni chaadar dekh k phailaao, mind your expenditures. Otherwise, it'll just be a vicious cycle. If your husband has a history of poor managing of finances......then how do you know that he won't ask you for more of your jewelry again in the future? If MIL and bil cannot manage their finances.......how often will they be depending on your husband and you to get them out? It may temporarily fix the mess, but it won't get to the root of it. And it is not so easy to part with things that have sentimental value and your parents swear and blood attached to it.
Also, I don't like how these two brothers are diving into their wives ' savings to help each other out.
Your BIL used his wife's savings to help pay your husband's debts. Such an arrangement gives your BIL the chance to tell your husband "Look I sacrificed my wife's money to bail you out; now you BETTER sacrifice your own wife's savings to bail me out." The weird thing is that BIL needs the money not for his own but MIL's debts. How does this sound remotely fair or right for you to give up your jewelry to settle MIL's doubts? Err.....more power to you if you can make such a sacrifice .... I guess I'm just selfish then.
What is up with using each others' wives like this? It just sounds off. And there is a danger in doing this; it is not wise. Two brothers may have greater patience and mercy and leniency with each other when it comes to returning money. But a brother's wife might not feel that same level of flexibility. And when she decides that she wants her money back.....then it creates tremendous amount of pressure. It can lead to grudges in the family.....not just between the two brothers but ALSO b/w their wives as well. It's just messy!
Your husband had no nuts to speak up when your mil took jewelry and sold part of it..and he has nuts to sell yours now? WOW.
Well, who knows. Maybe he did have the nuts defend her when MIL sold the jewelry. But it amazes me that he'd rather show his brother that "he's got the money" at his wife's expense. I think he feels that if baray bhaiya's wife can give up her money to help me out then my wifey should be willing to part with her gold to help out my brother. That's a messed up assumption/equation. They're sacrificing each others' wives. What if older brother's wife gets pissed that younger brother's wife isn't "generous" enough. Imagine the potential for drama.
It seems odd that your BIL and your husband are using their wives money as a way to clear debts. Are there other sources of savings for you guys instead of selling off things you own? I don't really understand why your MIL took your jewelry in the first place - that was definitely wrong on her part and your husband should have stopped her then. I don't know if that was also to clear some sort of debt? But using someone else's belongings to do that is also very wrong.
Talk to your husband strictly about this - make it clear to him that your parents WILL find out as it's in your mom's locker. And also that your MIL already took away your jewelry from before and this is the last piece of jewelry you own.
I don't know what kind of relationship your brother and BIL have, but if they are close I don't see any harm in him telling his BIL that he needs time to get the money together. Yes I would part with my jewelry if my husband ever needed in a financial crisis BUT my husband would never let anyone sell my belongings either. You need to talk to your husband and sort this out. It's very important for a couple to have money saved on the side in case of an emergency. If this is all you two have left - then you need to bring this to his attention.
Some good advice has been given. I just wanted to add something further- your husband may get upset when you refuse to sell your bangles so you have to broach the subject very, very carefully. And the reason you must do this is that, if you agree this one time, it will become an ongoing habit. And it seems like it already has. He needs to understand that 1) the debt is his responsibility and 2) it is extremely unfair that you should have to sell something given from your parents. Be calm and reasonable but straight forward and DO NOT let him talk you into it.
There are men out there who wouldn't think twice about selling their wive's possessions just to save face but that doesn't mean that it's acceptable at all.
why do the men in your susraal have a tendency to dig into their wives's savings to get themselves out of difficult financial situations? why don't they man up themselves?
I am not against wives's helping their husbands but in your case where everything is a mess, and with inlaws who are reckless/irresponsible with money I would say you keep your bangles.
This thread reminds me of the one where a guppan sought advice for her cousin...whose husband wanted to use the money gifted to wife to pay for his sister's wedding. Hopefully the OP here has a better equation with her husband. Op, listen to the advice given by MP and others up above that u should broach this matter gently and with caution; it's very sensitive. I hope your husband realizes what he's doing and does not respond with an attitude of self-entitlement.
Wow.... do not sell your bangles or any other gold that you are left with. It's pathetic they sold the jewellery you got from them (that too withoit asking/telling you) but he should not ask you to sell something your parents gifted you. What is he going to sell the next time he needs to pay off some debt? I hate people who keep eyeing the woman's jewelery after shaadi. As if they get sukoon the moment they sell everything.
Well, who knows. Maybe he did have the nuts defend her when MIL sold the jewelry. But it amazes me that he'd rather show his brother that "he's got the money" at his wife's expense. I think he feels that if baray bhaiya's wife can give up her money to help me out then my wifey should be willing to part with her gold to help out my brother. That's a messed up assumption/equation. They're sacrificing each others' wives. What if older brother's wife gets pissed that younger brother's wife isn't "generous" enough. Imagine the potential for drama.
There is no problem in sacrificing jewelry in hard times IF there are no other insecurities involved in husband/wife relation which I doubt in this case.If the wife is sure that she can trust the man,she will happily sacrifice it but here I feel this is a norm in family.. ' aur kuch nahin ho sakta tau zaiver baich do ' so I would never let mine go into it.
Gold is getting more expensive and ultimately this is going to go on to your children. It would be one thing if this was a mega emergency where someone is ill but this isn't. Both brothers are playing fast and lose with their wives' finances which is awful precedent. Buying back gold and land of the same value is near impossible and I would never suggest selling gold for a non-emergency.
Which is why I ask why do they keep getting themselves in debt. This is the second time, money is being asked for from the girl who married INTO the family.
This is not why we give our daughters in marriage, we don't give them to be banks for other families.
Never be a bank. I had to learn this the hard way. NEVER BE A BANK.
Why do they keep getting involved into debt - I don't care how poor you are, being poor is one thing, being in debt is another. Even a poor person with dignity doesn't spend beyond their means such that they get into debt.
Why is your mother in law getting into debt repeatedly? Is it a sickness? Medical bills? Or are they making bad financial decisions, and now they want you to pay for it?
Agree with Reha. Give your gold to your mom, and put it away in a bank that your husband has zero access to.
Okay so you are the one whose mil took loans to feed some aamil baba who promised her to multiply her treasures right ? Srewed up people..please dont give your jewelry at any cost
If your husband can forego this "false pride" of putting on a "front" of financial stability in front of his brother and just be dead-honest about his actual situation.......then maybe his brother can agree to let your husband pay back the debt in more managable amounts and at reasonable intervals. This should be a lesson to BOTH brothers and their mama dearest that .......apni chaadar dekh k phailaao, mind your expenditures. Otherwise, it'll just be a vicious cycle. If your husband has a history of poor managing of finances......then how do you know that he won't ask you for more of your jewelry again in the future? If MIL and bil cannot manage their finances.......how often will they be depending on your husband and you to get them out? It may temporarily fix the mess, but it won't get to the root of it. And it is not so easy to part with things that have sentimental value and your parents swear and blood attached to it.
