Re: Husband doesn't help
mashALLAH he is getting more close to his religion and he is a calmer person now and in many situations he is the calm one but the UK (west ) has disllisuined him as has being away from his parents. I feel like I am not getting the best out of him and that is where I need support on how to get him to be active and make a comfortable and happy homelife.
Re: Husband doesn't help
Maybe I am guilty of that. I think it is subconscious but yes I agree I need to nurture him into this. Thanks it has really helped with your advice. I just need to go slowly but surely. He needs to understand his responsibilities and that something has to give if I am to work.
I hope saeedin...'s reply is in sarcasm.
Am afraid I have to disagree with khattichic et al here.
This is what I see from your post: 1. You are angry at your husband because he couldn't hold on to a job and bring in enough money to pay the bills. 2. You have become the sole breadwinner rather reluctantly. 3. Since now you are the 'husband' in this relationship, you want your husband to obey everything you say, except you don't want him to think that is what you want. 4. You want to compare notes with rest of the sisterhood on this forum in how to go about doing that.
First of all, you guys just made this change and 3 weeks is not enough time to arrive at a balance. It will take a while for you guys to get adjusted to this new situation. There is a fundamental disjoint between your nature and his; you are lets-go-get-this-thing-done-NOW type and he seems more of a laid back procrastinator. You both need to be patient with each other till you arrive at that balance.
Second, nobody ever changes just coz someone tells them to. If you try to do that, chances are you will break them. This goes for wives too. First rule of any relationship is to accept them for what they are, not what they could be.
Third, you say he does some of things but not the way you want them. You want to decide if you want to choose the chores for him or how the chores get done, but not both.
Finally, I am wary of guys who do all this ibadat, listen to bayans and lectures, read islamic literature etc. I find them to be very reactive and if you push them too hard ( even surreptitiously ), they will go boom.. talaq talaq talaq... barkhaas biryani....
Re: Husband doesn't help
If u truly read and understand lectures and scripture on the relationship between a couple...then no, no one says talaq talaq talaq and brushes off the crumbs. That is what jaahil maulvi culture might be like...but not from what i've read abt Islam.
I see what you mean. But lets not confuse between islam and muslims. Don't remember who said it ( George Bernard Shaw? ), and am paraphrasing, 'islam is the best religion with worst followers'. And ulema are more like rahbars ( guides ) , the path one takes is totally upto an individual. In our community we have seen 3 divorces in the last 18 months. All of them very religious couples and have kids of varying ages ( 5-16 years ). Now they are fighting bitterly over property, custody, visitation etc as if they never ever were a family. Where is the piety? Where is the fear of Allah? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying all religious people are like that, but to me it seems the ones that are are more likely to make such knee jerk decisions.
Re: Husband doesn't help
Why don't you try to do what each of you can do best, tell him to find a better job and you stay at home.
Re: Husband doesn't help
Why don't you try to do what each of you can do best, tell him to find a better job and you stay at home.
^ That. This is why I think OP should help him find a job during the weekends.
At first I thought about giving him a schedule where some of the prepwork is done as others have suggested...but OP will have to be patient because it's more than just an issue of procrastination/laziness as her husband has to also overcome the mentality of finding housework unacceptable. She could assign him chores that he's more likely to do such as grocery shopping and fixing things around the home......but groceries don't need to be bought every day....nor is fixing things around the home a daily task. It's easy to feel scared of working again after you've lost your job because you fear losing it again. Sometimes the root of procrastination ...esp with finding a job...can stem from a fear of failure. So, maybe that's an angle OP can consider. As for religious lectures....S_Punk is right in saying that over time the lectures can lead to positive changes...change doesn't happen quickly...and she cam gently direct him to lectures relevant to their dilemma. Even an interest in the lectures indicates an openness to learning. However if the job he gets will necessitate the income of two people, it's even more important for him to understand that a wife is not a machine either jo k thak toot kar job se aaye and that has to also manage every domestic chore as well. It need not be that he should cook and wash the dishes if he is can't do them....but he can help set the table, or watch the baby while she's busy, etc. I think she should talk to him about what chores he feels he can handle.
As for him saying that "my dad never lifted a finger at home"....or....."my mom was the kind who worked and came home and did all chores without complaint"....doesn't automatically mean k that system was "right" or even "fair." If a wife is doing something which Islam has granted her the right to not do (working) and on top of that does the tasks which are her general zimaydari...it's a lot...and requires more ehsaas and compassion.
Re: Husband doesn't help
Hi All
Just an update.
We didn't speak for a day or so and then I made up with him and sat and explained the situation how it has taken its toll. I asked him to help out because he cares fo rme not because I tell him to. I haven't forced anything on him but things I was taking responsibility for like bills and returns I have asked him to do one or two things.
I have started preparing food so there is always something in the kitchen and just have started making him sit with me in the garden and slowly slowly getting him to just help whilst chatting. I've also told him that it is his responsibility to keep the house as is. I don't expect him to clean and tidy up unless it has happened whilst he is there.
We have talked about him working now (leaving baby with my parents or his sister) and he is up for that...
Thanks for the advice. I see that it was me not being able to explain the situation properly to him.
It has been a genuinely good week
Re: Husband doesn't help
A Life1 issue solved by talking to the other person calmly, without the thread devolving into a crap flinging contest...is this actually happening?