I was just wondering what I can do, this isn’t a criticise my husband thread but more what can I do..
I have a one year old and a husband who has been brought up in Pakistan. He is from a conservative family where his dad has never lifted a finger when it comes to household stuff and hasn’t been in the kitchen for years. his mum looks after the kids but she’s not immenseley house proud.
The last 2 years I have been off work looking after my little girl and for him. But now due to his lack ofwork ethic our income hasn’t covered the bills for quite a few months forcing me back full time. Looking after her and the house and cooking and cleaning and even the garden.
I have started working full time (leave the house at 8am) and usually back by 6 in the evening.
My husband has been looking after our daughter, he feeds her and trys to dress her (amusing at times and most times I feel bad that she isn’t dressed as well as when Iam at home. He loves her and wants her to be healthy and happy but he is a procrastinator. If I am with him he will sometimes help out but alone he drops everything and sits watching lectures or reading books.
Three weeks into my job and the stress is getting to me he bemoans how he hasn’t eaten all day. The house is a tip and he is fixated on islamic lectures and philosophy but does little else.
I have given him reality checks and told him to pull his socks up and I am so frustrated.
Any tips or tricks on how I can make him willingly and happily change his position on things.
I have to butter him up to do things but I am fed up that.
He does fear ALLAH and follow sunnah so any way I can get him to change his mindset form my dad didn;t do it to I want to be a good muslim husband and help.
I don’t want the “divorce him”, “seperate from him” replies but more the how can I help him change
I think it takes time. With my husband he was also raised in Pakistan and under privelaged circumstances so he totally didn’t feel the need to lift a finger; but like you guys we got busier and he needed to chip in. I think with lots of patience and letting them do things the way they want.
For example, when he dresses the baby it may not be how you are I would but he still made the effort so applaud him for his efforts.
Lots of applaud the efforts :sigh: that worked for me.
Hey Muniya.. I know I need to applaud him but if I do that he sits down and basks in that attitude for days..
Inform him an important part of islam is also being a good parent and sit down with him and have a serious talk with him that you can't live in a messy environment and its not healthy for the kids. Also inform him as parents we need to set a good example to our children to be tidy and have a good work ethic so they themselves can also be good parents.
Confi, I don't know that there is anything you can do to change him. It has to come from within and he has to want to change himself. From my personal experience of growing up in that same environment, he's not going to change. It's better that you find a way to make peace with his habits and your situation and maybe hire house help for the evenings or weekends so that at least you don't have to worry about cleaning and cooking and such.
Khatti.. Not what I was hoping for.. I know that this resentment will make our lives hell because I will out of sheer tiredness and frustration see that he isn't pulling his weight. I've let him stay in the mess e has created today as I didn't want him to think that I would just clean up after him but I am not sure I can let it go and honestly I can't afford to hire help at the moment.
Arabian .. I do need him to undestand that .. I just need to find a way that doesn't make him feel like I am trying to be the boss.
Khatti.. Not what I was hoping for.. I know that this resentment will make our lives hell because I will out of sheer tiredness and frustration see that he isn't pulling his weight. I've let him stay in the mess e has created today as I didn't want him to think that I would just clean up after him but I am not sure I can let it go and honestly I can't afford to hire help at the moment .
Sigh....he's an able bodied man with full use of his mind and senses. He obviously is god fearing and holds the importance of deen....but what is he actually learning from all these lectures and videos? If those haven't imparted any wisdom or shown him the error of his ways do you really think there is anything you can do or say to change his habits? Until the realization comes from within, he won't lift a damn finger.
The only thing I can say is maybe have him watch the lectures of Nouman Ali Khan or Saad Tasleem on the topics of a husband's duties in Islam...maybe he will listen to them.
Thanks Khatti.. I will do that .. I have hope he will change. He isn't stubborn and I am sure he will be flexible to change but it ishow I can make him realise..
confi have you talked to him about helping out and how he can while he is at home. My husband comes from a similar background...but whenever he mentioned that his dad never did that...i would say well your mom didn't work full time either. Both of us work full time and he helps with dishes, laundry, taking out the garbage, grocery shopping (i make the list) and with the LO as well. He will NOT do any cleaning or cooking. I cook on Sundays, (about 4-5 meals,) for the whole week...and freeze some kabobs for days when we don't have anything else to eat ...you can try and do that. While i am cooking on Sunday i tell him to take the LO one out to the park or a bounce house (it’s a little tradition they have started.) i thought it would take hours and hours of cooking but honestly it takes maybe 2 hours. You will have to ask him to work with you...or you will lose it. Tell him you aren't super women and can't handle everything on your own...you and the family need him to helpout.
If you think assigning chores would be better then go for that. Don't just expect him to start doing thing, ask him to do it.
Hmmm.... if you can't change others, you can always change yourself.
Tbh, it sounds to me that you have been used to doing things YOUR way for the past 2 years, and now you're having to completely change your routine, and he is having to accommodate a new routine himself. My advice would be to give things time, and to accept that he's not going to be able to do as a good a job as you did. I don't think this is an issue of him following in the footsteps of his father i.e. not bothering to work. This is clear because you mentioned that he has tried to help dress your daughter even though it's not the way you would do it, and that he has done one or two things around the house albeit after loads of praise and encouragement from you. These to me, are positive signs of him trying.
I think it's a simple matter that it's only been 3 weeks since you've been back at work, and you both need to cut each other some slack. Keep reminding him of his duties, and with time, hopefully, you'll both fit into your new roles.
Have you tried making a weekly schedule for him to follow? If he doesn't have all his chores on his checklist, it's easy to forget about them. With a schedule in hand he can evaluate his own progress through out the day and manage the distractions better.
It may sound stupid, but you'll have to write down pretty much all the details for him. The more detailed his list of chores, the higher the chance of things getting done how they should be. Add some fun stuff to his schedule too, like going out on a 30 minute walk with the baby mid day, everyday. Also his lectures and books preferably at the end of his list.
It's possible you already tried all this, or not. And yeah you could applaud him too, "Yay, you did 40% of the chores on your list today." Something like that. Who knows, this might even help him develop a work ethic.
You could pitch the idea as something to help with his problem of getting distracted easily. Fine tune it to whatever helps him the most.
If he didn't develop a work ethic outside the house in order to support his wife and daughter, then it's unlikely he's suddenly going to develop one for work inside the house.
its sounds exactly like my husband. Try to get him to do small things, like wash the dishes, bath and dress your daughter. But dont expect much. I have seen if you have high expectations, your just going to resent him. Try to keep positive and think that if he wasn't home, you would have to pay a babysitter. If he wont wash the dishes, try to make your life easier.
I try to cook on sunday for the whole week, I will clean the house on sunday as well. Then during the week its just spot cleaning something you see is out of order. I find this helps alot, as the kitchen will stay clean for the rest of the week because your not cooking anything. Try to get him to help you with small tasks, like have him do the laundry with you, or help you put the groceries away. Remember, he didnt do anything for 2 years, he is not going to be happy doing everything at once. Slowly introduce housework into his life. And if he doesnt do anything dont be unhappy about it, atleast he is taking care of your daughter
Work at it Ma'am. Don't let him get too comfortable, so that it turns into a lifelong problem. And don't nag him too much either, because that's gonna make him bitter. Just work at it slowly and know where you want him to be in the next 2-5 years, which might mean mentoring him like you would a kid. His parents didn't do it so you have to, since you want this marriage to work.
