Hi all
Hope everyone is doing well , I’m back again after a long time again with some issues that I don’t know how to deal with. For those who don’t know, I have been married close to 7 years, totally arranged marriage ,have 2 kids ALHUMDULILLAH. My husband is a good guy but he likes to keep to himself doesn’t talk much , doesn’t show emotions, sleeps in separate bedroom cuz my kids co sleep with me anyway long story short I use to really have a problem with him being this way but gradually over the years I accepted his ways cuz I know he won’t change and fighting and arguing does not help or change the situation.
so, now my Mil who lives in Pakistan is visiting us for not long cuz she also stays with her other kids and this is the first time my MIL Is visiting us by herself( I mean usually she comes with her husband), ok so I am seeing a different side of my husband , he is so talkative, so caring , even cried when he saw his mom, so attentive . I understand it is his mom , and I by the way don’t misbehave with her .i try to be nice to her and she is also not the very mean kind , just here and there typical criticizing or comparing me to her other bahus .
The problem Iam having is with my husbands attitude. He is like someone who I don’t know . He is on vacation, so he doesn’t have to go to work so all day from morning till night I have to see this side of him that I had not seen before but have always wanted to . I am really hurt don’t know how to be, just let it go or talk to him about it. Like they go sit in a room and talk , and when I pass by they both become quiet and then as soon as I leave they start talking again. They are many many examples I can give here but I just am feeling so frustrated , having a bad tension headache, don’t know how to deal with it. Please help
i would appreciate it
thanks
Re: Hurt
well Sister that sounds like normal behavior for Husbands, we will be talking in a different tone to our Mothers mostly very respectful, and towards our wives more like they are our equals(even though they are the boss at home 
we all now that), and towards our children bit more stern if they be misbehaving. this early in a marriage you are feeling left out of some conversations that Mother and Son are having, if you wait for a few years when your children are all grown up, then you will realize it is nothing to worry about!..Good Luck, of course it is good to get things off your mind that bother you!
Re: Hurt
Many following patriarchal principles consider wives property rather than a partner or companion. As long as you are providing everything he needs he is fine. People learn by example and I am sure this is how he saw his parents operate.
Re: Hurt
Seems like despite being married for 7 years you both don’t have intimacy and total trust in each other.
Re: Hurt
It was arranged, sometimes u fall in love with the stranger u married and sometimes u don’t
Re: Hurt
well, I don’t have any problem him treating his mom with respect, it is his complete different behavior that is upsetting me. The guy who normally just answers with a hmm, yes ok is now suddenly so attentive , caring, even cracking jokes, totally different from his usual self
Re: Hurt
Could depend on the response that he gets while talking to his mother. Maybe his mother is equally attentive, and laughs at his jokes, even if not funny etc. the small things.
Re: Hurt
Next time, him and his mom are chatting…go and join them. Tell his mom that, “Ammi it 's good to see you both laughing and talking because there should be a close relationship between parent and child and being a mother myself I want my own kids to be close to me too. But he (your son) usually responds to me with 1-word answers even when you’re not here and this lack of communication often leaves me feeling hurt and confused. When I try addressing the matter with him, it leads to arguments. So, I thought that since MashaAllah se I share a good relationship with you and I see you as being like my mother and I know that you’ve always treated me like a daughter, that maybe you can help us out.” Let’s see what husband says in front if his mom and what his mom says to him. But you’d have to say it in a nice way so that mother-in-law feels respected.
You said that talking to him about this has not helped..so you can try talking to his mom. Maybe beta ji will listen better to mommy as opposed to his wife, But if you feel this approach will only worsen matters, then don’t do it.
Re: Hurt
Sometimes bad habits develop early on in the relationship and it’s very difficult to change them. Did you have kids early on or did you guys wait because babies are highly disruptive to a natural progression of a relationship in an arranged marriage. If they’re constantly coming first then the bond that should have formed between you two should never have been formed. I’ve seen this happen to a friend and she really regrets the tone she set early in the marriage even when kids weren’t involved.
The only remedy I can think of is to have a discussion after your MIL leaves and tell him you’d love to spend some time with him regularly. Choose a non-volatile moment where you’re both calmly doing nothing and not in the middle of an argument or anything. You could causally ask him to lunch and then leave the kids with a babysitter and spend solo time together. It may happen that he says no. Don’t feel rejected because that was bound to happen with the way things are. Try again and again.
Re: Hurt
Thanks for your suggestion ,but in my case it will backfire cuz they both are each other’s Echo . What one says the other one says the same.
Re: Hurt
Since close to three weeks now, all I’m seeing and hearing is ammi ne khana kha liya , did ammi sleep , bachari ammi didn’t sleep well last night, make something for her so she does.They both sit in a room and talk and talk that never seem to end and when I try to join them , either my husband says take the kids upstairs they are being too noisy or my MIL will say I’m getting tired will go take a nap. My hubby now addresses him and his mom as hum, like hum ne kha liya etc etc. I’m getting tired of this, so this morning I went to the library , got me some good books. I don’t want to a part of this silliness anymore .let my husband be in her company , let him talk all he wants, let him be happy cuz clearly he doesn’t find me interesting enough ti even pay attentionLet him be how he has always been with me . I don’t care anymore.
Re: Hurt
Just focus on bettering yourself and kids, meet new people. I don’t think you can change your husband’s behavior without him realizing it first. MIL will be gone, hopefully he will appreciate what is in front of him sooner than later.