A magazine in the US was looking for readers to submit quotes from their
real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
- “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) - “What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping) - “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company) - We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo
mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) - One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon
enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting
Cards.) - As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of
the memo, in one of the sentences, I praised the “pedagogical approach”
used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to
the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and
told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by
lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts
(pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of
the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word “pedagogical”
circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked
the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send
back to her, he told me not to worry; he would take care of it. Two days
later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words
which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
“Most computer problems can be solved by a suitable charge of high
explosive.”