How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

Lifestyle Relationships
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It obviously is a shock. But different people have different ways of consoling themselves in order to overcome the deep sorrow. Please share your incidents. The intention is to learn from other’s experience and get prepared to the extent possible before *those *times hit us suddenly. Recalling is not to refreshen our wounds but to remember them in our prayers, which they are in need of, in the life hereafter.

I would also share, inshaAllah after sparing some time to recollect my thoughts and feelings of *those *times.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

Obviously it is tearing and agonizing when you come to it. Time, however heals. Or even if it doesn't, the best way to console ourselves is the belief that we all are Allah's amanat after all, it just a matter of time and turn. We can still do best for our dear ones by keeping them in our prayers and doing good deeds for them, i.e. feeding the poor, sending them reward of our ebadaat and sadqa khairaat etc.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

Like about my father, I always believe he is at a better place than we are. And Allah willing, we will meet one day, never to part again.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

**i was only 9 years of age when my mom passed away at a young age of only 45. my Dad told me that day that my mom's body would feel bad if her children cried too much. i took his words as gospel truth and i did NOT cry and i vividly remember going around telling my sisters not to cry because our mom would feel bad...but, they cried a lot and one of my sister would pass in and out of consciousness through out that day.

i remember i burst into a loud cry when they put my mom's body into the grave and the last slab was put over the ledge to cover her. i kept crying loud and keep asking to put me next to her and bury me as well because i couldn't visualize my life without her. well, they took me away! :( i initially spent a lot of time with my two younger sisters [5 and 1 years of age at the time]. i saw my mom's image in my sisters and i became very attached to them.
**
i found solace in becoming more religious. i decided to do a lot of prayers and to memorize Qur'aan. i remember i spent a lot of my time doing that.unfortunately, i could NOT memorize the Qur'aan but i did manage to commity a large number of suraas and about half of sura Baqara...whatever number of sura's i had committed to my heart then is what i recite in my salaat and i have added a few long ones later.
in a nutshell, my closeness to Allah help me cope with my loss.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

Like KKF, death of my father also closed me toward Allah. I was with him at hospital and praying for his life but next day early in the morning he left us in the month of Ramadan. Doctor tried all procedure and gave shock to my dad but it was useless.

I cried at his funeral and I was too weak to hold his body. My elder brothers buried him.

Now, I do duwa after every fardh namaz and ask Allah to raise my dad's status in paradise, and open the window of noor in his grave and shower the mercy on my abbu and ammi. Aameen.

**I read one hadith which says that the duwas of orphans directly reach to arsh (throne).

**

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

I never realised what my dad was for me I took him for granted, The thought tat he would leave us never crossed my mind ,even after 3 years I feel he will come from his room and slap me on my head .
I wish I could go back in time and spend bit more time with him and tell him how much I appreciate things he did for me never realised how much he loved me .. I came to pakistan 8 hours before he passed away He was in hospital , I asked him HOW ARE U he smiled n said fine ..
Doctor told me He passed away and honestly that was the WORST moment of my life I took him home gave him ghusul wiw my brother and buried him ,Cried tat night like a kid in my room wanted to bring him back kise bhe tarhan and then realised the real Awqat of Insan.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

Dude ab kia bataoon...
Depends on who you lost.. you kind of start living half here.. half there(where they are)

:(

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

This thread is making me crying .. I shouldn't have read this.

May Allah give Sabar to all of you ..

And may Allah give a long happy and healthy life to my parents.I can't imagine my self without them.

:(

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

this thread has made me cry
i will share my story later.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

I lost both of my parents in 2008, just 30 days apart (they both had different forms of cancer). I must be honest and admit that these tragedies did not bring me closer to Allah, but drove me away from our deen for a time (not something i am proud of!) I was very bitter and did not know how to handle my grief, as I did not have the ability to properly grieve for one parent before the other was taken as well. I went through a very dark time, and lost faith in God. I am not ashamed to say that I sought the help of a grief counselor and slowly came to terms with my losses. I am know much stronger, and have some closure. With my mother, in particular, I feel I am the luckiest person on earth, as I had the chance to care for her in her final days. I literally had to change her diapers, and sponge bathe her, feed her through a tube....and still, I feel that I can never repay all that my parents did for me. They brought me into this world, and I was able to be by their sides and hold their hands as they took their final breaths. Allah ka laak laak shukar hai kai may itni kush naseeb hoon ke mujhe unki qidmat karni ki moqa mila.

The only way I know to repay them, and grant peace to their souls is to instill in my children the same things they taught me. Maine suna hai ke guzarnay ke baad, sirf bachon ke naik amal maa/baap ko kaam aatain hain....Allah SWT karvat karvat unko jannat naseeb ataa farmaye...

Now that I've flooded my keyboard with tears, missing my parents, I think I'll go hug my children :(

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

^ I am so sorry to hear that buddy!

I have had one major death in my family and the way** not **to deal with it is to shut yourself up. A person has to talk about their feelings fears etc to someone otherwise it causes HUGE problems

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

I was traumatized after my best friend's death. I thought i was very brave when she was dying (she died of cancer and I witnessed it all until her death). I dont think i ever cried when she was dying because I always felt hopeful. When she died, I still had to sort of just bury it all because her parents were just crushed and seeing them in so much pain made me feel like i need to remain calm. However, that would make me cry at nights and I spent many nights with no sleep. However, it made me really think hard about my life. It totally changed my perspective and made me ready for what was coming my way - b/c some months after her death, I was very close to dying and I remained patient throughout my illness by thinking about with how much patience and strength my friend coped with her illness.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

This thread made me cry.

May Allah swt grant sabr to everyone who’s lost a close one.

This thread reminded me of a thread I created few weeks before the demise of my father.
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/365013-ho-do-you-give-condolences.html
I re-read my posts and just realised how disturbed and lost I was that time (that I was trying to be prepared for his death).

I might share mine if I get the courage.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

:flower1:

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

Alhamdulillah, I haven't seen any close relative/friend die except for my grand father a long time ago when I was a child, but who knows when I would be writing here about any of my close relative/friend. It happens to all of us sooner or later.

A friend of mine lost his mother, I had to write a consolation e-mail from our family's side. May be one day I would have to read it myself to console myself.

Assalamoalaikum bhai,

We hope that you receive this message in best of your health. We were really sad after we came to know that Auntie has passed away. inna lillahi wa'inna ileyhi raji'oon. Still not easy to believe it is true, everyone who knew her can't stop praising her. Indeed she would always live in our prayers, insha'Allah. It is the decision of Allah (swt) that this day has to come in everyone's life. We don't have any words to express our grief. We wish if it were possible for us to say or do anything that could have consoled your heart, but only Allah (swt) can bless satisfaction to a heart that goes through such difficulties. May Allah (swt) bless you and your family with the strength to be able to go through this tough time of your life.

Even though only the person going through a certain situation realizes the intensity of it (no one else can feel or understand it), still it is our duty because of our Islamic relationship that we may convey to each other what we sincerely feel in terms of the teachings of the Prophet (saw), so that we may not unintentionally make any mistake that might lead to regret in future. *She was a *trust of Allah (swt) and HE has the right to take away anything from us any time, any way, because actually it all belongs to HIM. Though it apparently doesn't seem to be so (after such incidents), but actually life starts to move on and soon we shall all meet in heaven with our departed ones (insha'Allah). We all know that only our good deeds and sincere prayers give pleasure to their soul. If we don't take care of our health, then it would hurt the soul of our beloved one, which we would never want.

The prophet (saw) advised us to maintain our self control in such situations through remembrance of Allah (swt), as our dear ones need our responsible shoulders to cry on. Our stability (by the grace of Allah swt) would support and encourage them (to not lose hope) and make sure no one among us unintentionally say anything that might make Allah (swt) unhappy with us. Having said all the above, it is indeed close to impossible to control ourselves. But the truth is that Allah consoled us by saying that HE doesn't put a burden on a heart that is beyond its endurance. In my humble understanding, what I have learned from the scholars, the best way would be to hide our tears from people and let them out while alone in our room and in sajda in front of our Allah swt, because only that would help in providing stability to our heart. Whenever we feel like crying, let us cry in sajda infront of Allah (swt) when alone and beg HIM to have mercy on her soul, to make her grave a part of Jannah, to give her a place in jannat-ul-firdos, to protect her from azaab of qabr, to forgive her sins and accept her good deeds, because such prayers would be the best utilization of venting the storm of our emotions as it would help the departed soul more than anything else. You are very lucky that she was happy and proud of you when she left. Even though the devil might try to deceive us with negative thoughts, but the truth is that the time of serving her is NOT yet over, it would be over after you join her in the grave yard, but uptill that time, it is our best aportunity to prove to her through our sincere prayers and sadaqa, that we would be the best source of help for her (by the grace and mercy of Allah swt) during her journey of the life hereafter. Every single darood shareef that we recite for her in our spare time would inshaAllah reach her and benefit her and she would proudly tell the people of the life hereafter, "My son/daughter loves me so much that s/he didn't even forget a single day sending me loads of gifts that makes my life of hereafter easy" She hasn't left you, she is always with you no matter where you are, in your heart. It is just that we don't feel them physically but our spirits do meet the departed ones in dreams, specially after they recieve blessings in the form of our prayers.

Please feel free to share anything if you ever feel like sharing, if there is anything we can do. It would be a pleasure and honor for us if Allah (swt) make us a source of help in anyway.

May Allah (swt) bless you and your family with all the blessings of this life and hereafter.

Wassalam**

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When my dad died it was all a blur, my daadi (who recently died few weeks bak may Allah grant her with jannat inshallah) was pretty vocal about having my dad buried in pak and insisted we bring him over which is something till this day im nt happy about, my dad died at the age of 40 few days after i turned 17. I had alot of anger inside me as relatives at the hospital turned up to file past his bed one by one to say their 'goodbyes' more like just gawk and tut and gossip sigh. Kher dad died and 2 days later we flew to pak and the 22 days i spent there it i didnt feel like my dad had gone it just seemed unreal, the hundreds of ppl who turned up @ his funeral n watching hw everything is done in pak, seeing his grave it didnt sink in. The day we gt bak only me mum and my two siblings aged 1 and 4 travelled, my sisters had to stay behind. When i set foot in the house it hit me hard and i dont think ive cried as much on his actual burial then i did on that day. I'l admit i did feel hurt and anger even towards Allah, i kept thinking why us, it took me a while to accept things it got to a point where my mum sat me down and told me i have to snap out of it for my own sanity

Almost 8 years on it is still hard, i had two grads he wasnt there, family pic on wall is incomplete without him, i gt engaged i actually cried after my dua kher n my mum in law paniced bless her, and i knw il miss him on my wedding day. But inshallah hes in a better place, ive learnt to deal with my anger and not be so bitter about it, life does move on but sometimes i do secretley wish it hadnt, id do anything to have him here. You know sometimes i do cry when i pray but in a way it brings me comfort knowing inshallah Allah accepts my dua's for my dad and grant him a place in Jannat insha'Allah ameen x

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

i find it very hard to deal with death. few years ago my distant cousin died with her 1 years old daughter in a car accident. i still can not get over the fact that her daughter was my daughter's age, and the fact there were no charges against the driver even though he was excessively speeding. they were travelling in a mini bus and few other people died as well. everynight her thoughts come in my mind and i cry.

last year my Taye passed away. she had cancer and was under treatment for various other issues and her past scans showed that she had cancer. no doctor told the family or started treatment. she had Hepatitis and was under treatment in top hospital in lahore. doctors never realised that had cancer. she developed sudden back pain and it wasnt going away and was hospitalised and than one doctor realised but it was too late. within two months of everything she passed away.
i think of her everyday. they were very rich and yet she died due to not getting treatment. my uncle wanted to take her out of pak but it was too late. she was given few moths but only had few days to live.
as i wasnt there when she passed away, i still imagine her at her house doing her usual chores. as i think of her alot, she always comes in my dreams, and in my dreams i try to tell every one that she is not dead.

my grand father passed away few months away. he was very sick and had brain shrinkage for several years. he meant alot to us. i pray for him everyday after namaz.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

This !
You wish you could be there where they are,either way its a cruel world out here.A part of you just dies with them.

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

I don't know what to say.. although so far i have not witnessed the death of someone very close except my Grand father when i was just 10 i guess but what i do know is the Impact of someone's death leaves you looking at life with a different perspective..
It is said if only we remember we shall die one day all of the pleasures of our heart will be gone....Every soul shall taste death so just live your life without hatred... Love and value your loved ones and make every moment count because nothing or no one is forever.. we sleep in comfortable beds one night and we remain unaware of the fact that the next night we might just be in our GRAVES...i know it's out of context but this thread made me realize how much we should value the time we do have with our loved ones....

To everyone who lost their close family members... Just remember Allah never burden's a heart more than it's endurance...May Allah give us the strength to go through the trials of this life with ease and May he Guide us straight...

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Re: How you dealt with the death of a close relative/friend ?

My father passed away of an incurable illness.

It was really difficult. I actually was prepared for his death. I used to wake up twice or thrice at nights, then go to his bedroom and check whether he was breathing or not. Every call on my mobile meant that it might be ammi jee to announce me the death of my father.
My mind and thoughts were stuck on that. Every ambulances' siren would freak me out.

Always tried to zap the conversation of death with him. But he'd still tell us "Beta jaani, when you'd travel with your Ammi jee and me in my shroud, you'd try your best not to look panicked as most people in the airport are scared by the fact that they're travelling with a dead body."

I tried my best to bring a smile on his face. He loved us a lot, and I remember his words "Beta jaani, I love you, and would always even when I won't be here". Before his last hospitalisation he told me that don't worry, I'd be back soon and I'd be cured, these docs are just fooling you (with a big smile on his face).
And after this, he was in coma.
My heart was aching as at that time I thought I was the only one who knew everything about his illness but after he passed away my mom told me that they knew about it but didn't want to tell each other.

After his demise I feel that time stopped there. Nothing worked for me. It's just that we are much more sealed with our mom.
I have always always missed his presence. I always miss his lovely words, his personality. The way he used to pherofy his hand on my head. I was really attached to him. His illness welded us. We had a lot of time to spend with him. And seeing him in pain was damn painful.
He used to tell me that "Tu to apni Ammi jaani ki saheli hai, never let her feel that I'm gone, she'd be devasted. And always cherish your bro and sis"

Looking back then, I don't know how I had all this strenght to deal with it, listen to him with patience and no tears.
Alhamdulillah !

May Allah swt forgive his sins and grant him the highest place in Jannat-ul-Firdous. Ameen ! Sum'Ameen !

I have no more courage to write.