how would you deal with the khalah from hell?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I’m so sick and tired of my aunt…this is a family that was entirely sponsored by my parents, they had nothing when they came here, they lived with us, we found jobs for them, enrolled their kids in school, fed them, drove them around, and sent all the necessary, extremely PERSONAL documentation for them to be able to live here legally. I really think its the worst mistake my parents ever made, and if I could go back, I would tell them, screw doing a good deed!

Ever since then, our relations have been horrible with this family…its almost like everyone else, relatives who’ve really done nothing for them, have become the best, while they only focused on what we weren’t able to do for them (the complaints are so stupid, “you didnt change our sheets for us”).

10 yrs later, after my wedding, its unbelieveable the things I hear my aunt say about me. She’s always focusing on anything negative she can about me, and if the exact same thing would apply for another relative, she would never acknowledge it, e.g. saying I talked to my husband before I got married while never saying this for my other female cousin.

What pisses me off is that I owe NOTHING to her…woh bas ek naam ki khalah hain, she’s never done anything for me, even things that are free like saying a kind word. This is the most selfish woman I know, she didn’t even attend my wedding, yet went to my cousin’s wedding 3 months later. she didnt help me get into school or find my spouse for me, so what right does she have to say anything to me? On the other hand, the fact that she is working, her boys go/went to college, have jobs, and now that her son is getting married (he has a 2 yr degree yet is engaged to a doctor from PK) are all clearly because my parents gave them green cards.

With her most recent stupid conversation with my mom, I really just feel like chewing her out and letting her know exactly what I think of her. I do have a bad temper though, my nature is like I’m not satisfied until I let out what I feel. My husband says I should just ignore her, but I feel like its a lose lose situation? if I dont call her and just avoid her, she’ll have complaints but by giving her a piece of my mind, I can let her know that we don’t owe her a thing and she can’t talk to my mom like that while I’m alive.

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Re: how would you deal with the khalah from hell?

Yep. I'd call a family meeting, publicly confront her and tell her off.

3

Lucky for you (or perhaps not so lucky if you don't like my advice), that I'm suffering through a bout of insomnia right now.

I had a friend who went through a situation similar to yours...who is still going through it, in fact.

It's REALLY tempting to give someone a piece of your mind isn't it? To hurl a few smart remarks their way and to watch their jaws drop. Feels good.

It's also a BAD idea. Because with someone who won't see reason, who refuses to analyze the wrong and hypocrisy in her actions, you can argue and yell and give her a piece of your mind 'till the cows come home. It won't do one bit of good. Won't change her. Won't make her see things from a different perspective. All it will do is give her more ammunition...most likely, it will result in her taking your words and twisting them when she repeats them so that you will be presented in the worst possible light.

Your husband is a brilliant man. IGNORE it. Don't give her more ammo. Because when people do the stuff you describe...when they badmouth you, gossip about you, ignore you, do petty things to hurt you, they do it for one of two (usually both) reasons. To create drama and to get a reaction from you, preferably a volatile one so they'll have more to talk about.

Don't give her that satisfaction. Don't give her a reaction. Do not engage with her, do not let her bait you. Be polite...hell, be kind. You don't have to be a doormat, but you can keep your words and actions civil and sweet. If she calls you or your mom up, you keep it brief, you keep it civil, and you politely get out of the conversation if her only intent is to gossip and badmouth. This will accomplish a few things. The most important is that it will please Allah for He loves those that have patience and meet ignorance and cruelty with forbearance and kindness. The second thing it will accomplish is that will confuse the hell out of her because she's not getting what she wants, which is to upset you and your family...this is an added bonus. ;)

Other than that, DON'T LET THIS EAT YOU UP. Easier said than done, I know, but it is possible. Eat, sleep, go out to dinner with hubby, pray, read the Quran, laugh at stupid things with your friends, read, work...LIVE. Don't fret over this to the point that it's taking over your life. Because if it does, guess what? She wins again.

Hang in there kid. Inshallah, it will get better.

4

i know yaar..my dad helpedd kept his dead cousin's illegal husband..threw my borhter out of his room to give it to this rude overweight dog of a guy who wouldnt toucha dman thing around the house..he'd jsut 'jump' over the groceries my mom would tow all by herself..we were just kids..my dad foudn an apartment for him..foudn a job for him..payed the rent each month until his fat lazy ass could afford the rent..even made my mom cook food for him for those many mothns and my dad would personally go deliver it to him all the way in another city..but the fat ungrateful evil ******* that he is he ran back from there adn pestered my dad into making his 'kaam pakka'..then my dad foudna ristha for him here..got him married..payed for the wedding..made my brother drive the car to pick up his begum and him in front of everyone at the shadi night like a driver..and after that he hates our guts..hes extremely jealous..he tries to turn all my dads freinds against him at work..yeah he got a job at my dads work and his son too..and he does whatever he can to make my dads life miserable and we still dont know why he does this as my dad has never done anythign to him..

yeah and my engagemtn got ruined because of his son's marriage..which is a long story but he did on puropose and i know that bcs first he rejected that ristha and he even got mad at y they could think that but as soon as they found out that i got engaged in that family they went running there to do ristha with the same girl who they rejected before..then they started talking **** about my family and that ssame sick man even came to my house and fought with my dad and insulted him doign this right after my engagemnt..and things just got ugly from there..

i really detest them but what can u do? what can u do with these relatives..our other relative s here warned my dad that time ke this man is not a good person dont help him but my dad didint listen and know we paying for this mistake all of our lives and ieven i had to pay for it..ive never been so disturbed inmy life before than the way i felt so long after htis engagmetn broke

5

I see situations like this all the time. Unfortunately people forget that Allah will send them a helping hand, and that hand is often another human being who out of the goodness of their own hearts helps them as much as possible.

When we moved closer to my mums family in the UK (biggest mistake of our lives in my humble opinion) they were all living carefree lifestyles, noone was taking their responsibilities as children (mums uncle was in a care home because none of his kids would look after a ill person). They were partying hard, drinking, going from one relationship to another and so on and so on. When we moved her mum tried her upmost to support all her cousins that wished to settle down, leave the partying days behind them etc etc. 10 years down the line they are all respectable married people-but now they gossip about me because they live in a fantasy bubble where they have always been good guys and apparently I have a 'loose character'. It makes me want to scream, and bash their heads against a brick wall and literally smash it into millions of particles. But I've dealt with the issue and believe the reason they are the way there are is:

jealousy-no matter what they do they will never be able to alter their pasts
sour grapes-I worked hard to get to where I am today yet they are still struggling to get to a decent job
No matter what they do someone will always have the upper hand on them-when I visit my in-laws abroad I get asked how such and such is, I'm quite dignified about things and say everyone is fine whereas when they go over they act like a bunch of prats-there's a lot to be said for upbringing

Maybe your Khalah needs a reality check? She maybe a green card holder now but does that make her a decent human being? Your Khalah needs to face facts that her kid has a two year degree and will marry a girl who will come over to the US and think 'gosh, their lifestyle and standards suck, I would of been better marrying a doctor in Pakistan' because I tell you what that's what I would be thinking!

A lot of desi people (like your Khalah) believe a passport makes a person-it's all about status. We are all equal and when we leave this world behind we'll all be judged on the same criteria-not on weath, nationality etc. Shame people don't think about this when opening their big gobs and being nasty about people.

6

Fasadi,

1) You're right, you don't OWE her anything. And she's a naam ki khala. So, that said, why are you allowing yourself to get so worked up over her? I know that it's easier said than done. I've got some relos I'm not too crazy about either and they can really get under your skin. But try not to let it consume you. She didn't raise you, she didn't pay your bills, she didn't educate you, she didn't find you a job, she didn't find you a spouse, she doesn't clean your house. You owe her nothing. And the way you've described her.....she herself chooses to act like NOTHING/NOBODY to you. Don't let "nothing" eat you up.

2) How is it a lose-lose situation? It's a lose and gain situation. Your khala may have settled in Amreeka.......but with so much bitterness. These material things that she has gained will mean absolutely nothing while she's also showing ingratitude to you and possibly even Allah. As Princess said below....Allah uses humans as mediums to guide and help us out. And if we can't show humility and gratitude to them....then it's like we're indirectly showing ingratitude to God. Not saying that God and humans are on the same level, but I think you get what I mean. You and your family on the other hand...........you're already settled in the US........you're more secure than your Khala's family..........you've made more practical decisions than khala (not getting married to doctor in Pak while you're not done with your studies).......you've earned the reward of helping them out from Allah........and you haven't gotten big-headed/arrogant about helping them out. It seems like it's win situation for you and a lose for them in the long run.

3) You get mad when she talks to your mom rudely. I take that to mean that your mom doesn't talk back to your khala or give Khala a piece of her mind? Right? Perhaps your mom is younger than khala and feels she should be respectful? If so, your mom is a lot like my mom who will stay quiet, take the higher road, and show patience, and encourage that in her kids as well.

^As much as I also believe that people need to be put in their places sometimes. I also think that it takes A LOT more courage to be patient. Anyone can lose their control and lash out. And that anger is a sign of weakness. Acting like the bigger and more dignified person requires much more strength. Your mom probably doesn't want to stoop low like your khala. Sometimes I think, "Just let the person yell, curse, get angry......and thus accumulate gunnah and Allah's wrath......while you keep yourself safe and under control." I know you don't want her treating your mom like that (know exactly how that feels).....but your mom's a strong woman. She can take/is already taking care of herself.

^It's a win-lose situation, in my opinion....if you sit down to really think about it.

^Sometimes we become jealous and insecure of the people that are helping us. We misconstrue every comment and action of our helpers and think to ourselves that the helpers are showing off or they're trying to make us feel bad. And instead of showing gratitude to the helpers.....we instead let these insecurities and fears take over and as a result start picking keeray in the helpers. That sounds like what happened to your Khala. A humble person who is emotionally secure will show gratitude. Your Khala was insecure from the beginning it seems. And you know what? Such people will treat OTHER besides your family like this as well. You never know.......maybe Khala will become insecure over her Doctor Bahu from Pakistan and treat her like dirt as well.

^Don't think that she's happy and not being punished or won't be punished. Happy people don't treat others like crap...they have a positive outlook and treat others in a positive way. Your khala is probably bitter and negative that's why she treats others like that.

7

Re: how would you deal with the khalah from hell?

Also, you can relate adult behavior............to grade-school playground behavior.

Example: What is a bully's (in this case your khala) main purpose?

Answer: To see you get riled up and angry and hurt.

Why? This reaction let's the bully know they've succeeded.

^When you don't react to your Khala's comments......and instead feign being calm as a cucumber......it enrages her....she feels like she has lost. It's your victory.

Don't act like you're affected by her treating other not-so-nice relatives with more warmth than you. She's insecure, remember? In her head she probably thinks that since those relatives treat her like dirt......she must work hard to win their approval.

^Don't complain about her to other relatives either. It can make things worse and add fuel to the fire because not everyone can be trusted. Limit your interactions with her, and if you do see her, kill her with kindness. And leave the punishment of Allah. He can do a much better job of teaching a lesson than you every possibly could.

8

Re: how would you deal with the khalah from hell?

Blah.

I guess everyone has something like that going on. For the first time in my family, I heard I am being talked about, because well, I let my opinions show and expect people to be equally as considerate towards me, as they expect for themselves. And if I don't let anyone walk all over me, I have too much attitude.

I have never had to deal with something like that. It took me a LONG time to realize that not everything that the culture teaches you is right, and that you HAVE to stand up for yourself if you don't want to get crushed.

But then again, it was this one person who doesn't even LIVE with everyone else who are supposedly talking about me. Blah.

OP: I think mistral has some good advice.

9

Re: how would you deal with the khalah from hell?

Yeah you could make the situation worse with a confrontation, but you have to ask yourself...are you at a point of no return now?

I have an aunt who is totally bipolar. At times she fights with my mom and at times she is super friendly. I am so sick of her nonsense accusations towards my mom, that I've stopped speaking with her as she decided to take out her frustrations on me too on the last trip to Pakistan. I don't confront her and tell her a thing or two, because at the moment she is getting along with my mom and who am I to break up a sisterhood?

But sounds like this khala of yours has done enough offenses that at this point your family will have no further positive rapport with her anyway.

So tell her off.