How well do you know them...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Well his is inspired by the thread dealing with how long you should know someone before you get married to them…

One of the ideas that was advocated was that knowing them less and making a commitment is better cos doubts may settle in and you may get confused and what not…

Now what i will say is that as a general point i dont feel you will ever really know that person unless you are in a long relationship, you live with them or yuou are married to them…

For a lot of you i gather two of the three arent an option…

Cos say for the first instance…when your with someone everything is always perfect for atleast the first six months…never an argument never a disagreement…its bliss and thatts why where im from we call this the honeymoon period…once thats over then they start showing their true colours…cos now they are more secure and more comfortable to express what they actually feel and what they approve of…btw before people suggest this is gender based it applies to both…

So that flexible open minded chick will suddenly display all her disagreements thats she has with your way of living…things which she never suggested in the first six months…she’ll start tellking you that shes always had an issue with that friend of your or that you go clubbing blah blah…then and only then will your realise who the girl really is and then if you are still happy with what you have then you know you are going somewhere…

Its generally the same with the cohabitation thing…you’ll never know her till you live with her…one of my friends shares a flat with his girl and shes an absolute nightmare to live with…seeing her a few times a week and having her stay over are a different story to having her live with you…and thats something hes had to assess…

Now the point of all of what im saying is i doubt with the whole mahram, phone relations things that most of you keep that you will really get to know that person…and i suppose the idea is that you only know the basics…and the rest is left to the marriage itself…when you get married then you will realise who he/she really is and either you’ll be fine with it or you wont…

Fact is what you see beforehand in the courtship wont be what to expect later on…everythings a gamble…what will make or break it though is how much you or that other person want to make it work…how well you are willing to compromise…Its the same in a relationship, when you cohabitate or in a marriage…its how you deal with whats different and whether you want to…

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Re: How well do you know them...

Well i married my hubz within 8 weeks of meeting him. He didnt want to just date me he wanted to marry me. I didnt really know him that well but it felt right and i went with my instincts.
Ur right u can date some1 for yrs but LIVING with some1 is a whole different ball game. U totally see what they're like and that is when u really get to know them.
Ive got a friend who went out with her pakistani bf for many yrs from when they were really young at school and he was all lovey dovey and romantic and almost obsessed with her. Well they got married pretty young(she was 21) and she said he "suddenly changed". All the fun things they used to do together-like going out in the eves etc stopped. She was living with his family and she ended doing loads of cooking in the eves and he wanted to spend time with his family as opposed to go out with her. I remember her being so horrified that "oh my god hes suddenly changed overnight". Personally i think he just got her and didnt think he had to make an effort anymore with anything cos they were now married whereas when they were dating he had to make an effort which is terrible. So my point is u can spend yrs being engaged or date some1 but it doesnt mean that u get to know them until u live with them. I mean i married my hubz quickly and ppl were like "u dont hardly know each other?" but i said "yeh but it feels right to me and i know i want to spend the rest of my life with him so y shud i spend yrs being engaged to him when i can marry him soon and live with him". I got to know him pretty quickly when we were married. Living with some1 is totally different.

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Re: How well do you know them...

So you took a gamble and it payed off...thats what im saying if your not going to cohabittate then marriage will always be a surprise and it will always be different...

My friend has lived with his girl for two years...initially when they get married life probably wont be that much different but even then children and stuff will be a test of how things work...

You never know how anything is going to work out so you just gamble hence there is no specific timespan on how long you have to know someone cos you will never know them until you take certain steps...

Chatting to them for two years means nothing really in comparison to living with them for a week...

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Re: How well do you know them...

Interesting...

Fact of the matter is, cohabitation and extremely long engagement/courtships are just not allowed in our religion OR culture. I said the same hting in that thread, that you can generally tell if someone is genuine/sincere or not within a few times of meeting them (if not the first time). Also, the fact that we have oru parents in that process of finding a mate really helps...I've had an extremely good experience with this Mashallah, my parents , especially my father, are good judges of peoples characters, which I'll admit that I am not. But they got nothing but good vibes from my now-husband's family when we all first met..instinct really comes into play here....It's not like I was totally blind before marriage but it's just that I got a clearer picture afterwards...and it's not like "well I don't like this so lets get a divorce", i saw alot more things after the marriage that I'd enver guessed beforehand...relationships evolve, yeah the courtship period dies down, but I think that's because we're not in a position that we have to "impress" each other anymore...the love has deepened, that it's not necessary to constantly be saying/doing the same things you did during the courtship period... note that I said "constantly"..obviously a little romance now and again is a sweet gesture and nice...anyways I'm rambling now..!

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Re: How well do you know them...

depends on how complicated or simple the person is !!

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Re: How well do you know them...

Sometimes you never ever really know a person....als you think you know them and then they change...you change.

Really life is a gamble and so is marriage...be open-minded, prepared for anything and able to adapt....or Quit!

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Re: How well do you know them...

NTN, precisely why I do believe in short courtships.

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Re: How well do you know them...

Prototype...
No-ones simple...the person who seems simple will be completely different once you get to know them...

Munni...
I agree with you...they should be short...theres inly so much you can learn...the real learning will be done once you get married...just try and see common ground on a few things which are important to you...compatibility and agreement are two different things completely...we may agree on many things but not for a second will that make sure we are compatible...but even then compatibility is something that is built anyway...learn to adjust and learn to accept flaws...

AlySam...
Absolutely...you can only hope that there is enough there to make it work...

MrsSaieen...
I acknowledged exactly that...cohabitation is prohibited by Islam and to be honest isnt much different...my hairdresser whos 35 has lived with her boyfriend since they were 18 and have two kids...cohabitation is really a marriage except no complications if you need to leave...point being by living with someone you learn who they are...even being on holiday with a girl can change things...spend a week with her abroad and you may notice changes that you hadnt otherwise seen...my mate came back from Egypt and him and his girl werent chatting...

For a practicing Muslim there is no real way to actually know the person until your actually married to the person and living with them...so i dont understand why these things drag on for so long and why there are so many doubts...if you have abasic premise on which to work then thats all you need...

Normal relationships minus cohabitation you dont learn a thing...

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Re: How well do you know them...

I tend to disagree. Cohabitation will not prevent surprises. Marriage is a relationship which changes expectations. How/Will someone change(s) after marriage is unpredictable.

Cohabiting without getting married, but opting for children? I don't see what is the point of that. It seems selfish on either sides.