For the longest time I held the belief that if people talk bad about you there’s something wrong with *them *and not you.
But, hearing this from my relatives, my parents, and even people my age…the thinking in our culture (not sure about non-desi culture), seems to be that, there’s nothing wrong in changing yourself to **please others.
**
If people constantly criticize your appearance, then change it to make them go quiet, be it losing weight, wearing makeup…whatever.
If people gossip about your habits, well don’t do things that make them talk.
Well I still can’t get my head around doing things to “make others happy” but it doesn’t seem to be such a big deal in our culture…
I agree with TLK, if the change is beneficial for you and if its something many people have pointed maybe there is some truth to it. Don't change your likes or dislikes for others. If its for example wt loss, that's for ones own good and better health. So it comes down to what those changes are and how are those changes affecting the person themselves.
first of all, if many people are saying the same thing about me, its something wrong with me most probably, not them.
second thing is, that if I correct myself then its not to please them but to make myself better.
When I said that there's something wrong with them I guess I meant the attitude that some people had in saying something....theres a difference between having constructive criticism as opposed to just being mean about it.
For ex/ saying something like... "you should lose weight becuase it will help you feel better about yourself" puts the focus on how that person will feel.... as opposed to "you should lose weight because no one will like you or find you attractive" which (IMO) shows your own insecurities as a person? I guess that's what I"m tryign to say....weight loss is just one example.
I agree with TLK, if the change is beneficial for you and if its something many people have pointed maybe there is some truth to it. Don't change your likes or dislikes for others. If its for example wt loss, that's for ones own good and better health. So it comes down to what those changes are and how are those changes affecting the person themselves.
Yeah BUT let's say a person is at a healthy weight or just happy with the way they are, they don't want to diet and exercise....should they do so just because so and so tells them to? I remember someone here was talking about how people are always telling her to get braces to fix her teeth...and she didn't want to, as she felt she'd be doing it "for them."
Anyways, there's many other examples I'm sure....but my point was the difference between the two thoughts I guess.... one is all about doing something for yourself and changing to please yourself....while the other is, doing something that you would likely not do, and don't enjoy doing, just to pleas e someone else.
a) if people have issues with how u look/what u wear, they need to get a life. They need to accept who u are.You cant change the face u were sent down to earth instead they shud look deeper in what u hold , not just a pretty face .Anyone can have a pretty face but its not enough .
b) if its ur habits, then they have right to criticize .If they wont tell u when you are wrong ,who will. But still u need to analyze if u really are wrong .People around us like to play the blame game and dont like mud slanging on their kirdar/attitude.
c) also epople are barely happy ,so i think one of us has to be .If changingone habit makes someone appriciate u, then do the effort but if its still the same na-shukri ,mhmh screw them:phati:.
Changing yourself to please others [who will actually never be pleased] is not worth it. But there are some qualities we can all change in ourselves, i guess. I don't think we need random people telling us about those though.
Sara, it depends upon the intentions of the people. There are some people (even among family) whose intentions you trust more than others (even if they struggle with expressing things tactfully) becaue you know that they sincerely want what's best for you. Conversely they are those that are bitter and jealous..............they will NEVER be happy for you. I used to be a chubby kid...got made fun of by relos. When I lost the weight, I knew I looked good....and several people complimented me..........interestingly the ones that critcized me the most....also found flaws with my new and improved look...put me down AGAIN before others....because their intentions are not good. I think frequency plays a role too. For example, people that sincerely care about me....will try to word it in a way which shows they're concerened or want to help....and they won't do it that often....because they know it isn't nice. Whereas those who have something against you, they bring it up a lot....and you can just feel the negativity from their tone, frequency, etc. That's just what I've noticed. And, Sara, you also used the word "constantly" in your post which has to do with frequency.....and I think that's something that helps to figure out the other person's intentions and whether and how much importance we want to give to their comments.
I don't think it's always so black and white and that's why it's hard to measure how "true" this would be. Sometimes the changes they suggest could be those that you deep down want to make yourself...or that you're conscious about it....so in that sense, as TLK said, there's some truth to it....even if you don't feel good about them bringing it up.
In the end, regardless of what someone says, it's up to YOU to decide what you want to do. You won't be happy if you implement every single change they suggest. I know I wouldn't. For example, I prefer a more natural look and wear little makeup.....which some aunti/relo who wears garrish makeup might not like. I'm not gonna change myself for them. When it comes to fashion...I have a better idea of my body and the kind of cuts and styles that flatter it better than someone else would.....so while I may consider what someone else suggests.....I don't always follow the advice. You pick and choose. Unfortunately there's a problem with wording things tactfully in our culture....especially among the older generation. And with family members...there's that "frankness" that also makes them careless with words.
Yeah BUT let's say a person is at a healthy weight or just happy with the way they are, they don't want to diet and exercise....should they do so just because so and so tells them to? I remember someone here was talking about how people are always telling her to get braces to fix her teeth...and she didn't want to, as she felt she'd be doing it "for them."
Anyways, there's many other examples I'm sure....but my point was the difference between the two thoughts I guess.... one is all about doing something for yourself and changing to please yourself....while the other is, doing something that you would likely not do, and don't enjoy doing, just to pleas e someone else.
Yes, that's the difference if its not something one wants to change for others and others only DON'T. Although, I think we should step back and think maybe its for own best and maybe it will benefit us. If after that one still doesn't see any benefit for themselves than they shouldn't let others bother them.
Thats funny because I have been analyzing my habits lately and feel maybe some changes are for my own good. I grew up thinking I would never change for anybody but ever since I have been married I am finding it really hard to deal with my current circumstances because of this ideology. I am making things harder for myself by resisting the natural change marriage brings.I still don't want to Change for anyone but it's already happening or maybe I am suppressing my feelings.
Someone once said
Be more concerned about your character than your reputation, because your character is who you are & your reputation is what others think of you!
live your own way. but sometimes, if something is said by every body and even your sincere friends say the same then they all couldnt be wrong and you might need to change yourself.
Agreed generally but sometimes other people pick up on weaknesses that you may not realise are there and if you then notice this and you can better yourself then why not? I don't mean better yourself to please others but for yourself.
However it is a slippery road, if you're doing it for others and not yourself then you'll never truly please anyone and only wind up in a horrible vicious circle.