Trolls can leave right about now, thanks. This is a serious question.
So I got married about a year ago and moved in with my husbands family. They are a typical big traditional family. I come from a small, quiet family. My parents were younger when they came to Canada so they’ve picked up a lot of Western norms and I haven’t experienced some of the desi ways of doing things. For example, you know how when you are at a guests house and you try to help clean up and they insist that you stop, and you insist on helping, and then you go back and forth and almost bargain about the topic? In a witty, quick way? THAT I am not good at at all, I was never really exposed to it. For me, no means no and I follow.
So I’ve been struggling on how to communicate with my Inlaws, mainly my MIL. I’m a very conflict averse person. When I try to do something, like cook something, she will jump in with her opinion and point out the faults in what I’m doing, and in avoiding a conflict I just meek, submissively follow what she says, while at the same time feeling upset at her. My hubby says that she is not an inflexible woman and that I need to be more assertive and stand up for myself and insist on doing things my way, tactfully, of course. The thing is, I’m literally at a loss of how to word things in a firm, yet tactfully manner!!
How do I word things in a firm yet tactful manner? In areas like wanting to cook my way for example?
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
My advice: set this straight now. Don't bottle up your feelings and let your MIL know. Complaining to your husband about his mother is not going to help. He will eventually take it as whining.
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
Not to point out the obvious but how about you stop being submissive? Obviously i'm a guy so it's probably different for me but when I have made food and my mum butts in with "that's not how you do it" I tell her "this is how I wanna do it, you have your way and I have mine, just let me try it my way" and when of course, I used to mess up she would be on stand by to step in cause after all, she expected it but there's been times when i'm pretty sure i've impressed even her :p
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
Op, how is your overall equation with your mil? Does she only do this with cooking or with every single thing you do, wear, etc. If you have a good relationship with her then tell her something along the lines of, "The best thing about cooking is that there's so much flexibility with methods and flavors, so there's no right or wrong. Besides it's fun to change up the routine." Say this in a friendly way....and hopefully she'll understand as your husband said she's not inflexible. It depends on your tone and body language.
If she takes offense to it....and she shouldn't if you say it sweetly.....then you can add, "Ammi/aunti...main itni mehnat se pakati hoon and I want the family to enjoy the food. I'm not looking for praise and I am open to suggestions. But to be told often that I am doing it wrong makes me that aaj tak mainay kuch sahi pakaya nahi ya I have wasted the food...aur pakanay walay k liye..that's not the best feeling to have." Hopefully it won't escalate to this point.
Avoid telling her that "Fil and sil and bil and my husband have no complaints with my cooking" as she might perceive it as you calling her a "complainer"...and that you are comparing her to the rest of the family or that you think her opinion matters less than that of others.
Lastly, if she's giving you tips that will make the cooking process faster/easier/more efficient for you, then consider her them. Some, if not all, her advice may be useful.
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
say the following with a 'fake' smile:
"Saasuu jii, aaj mujhe apne tareeqe se pakaane dijiiye aur phir agar aapko pasand na aaye to maiN ek baar aapke tareeqe se bhii banaa duuNgii...Theek hai?" :)
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
It depends on your MIL..
My MIL has a problem with pyaz (no lies LOL) so she always use to use those fried ones when cooking. Now whenever I visit them in KHI and I want to cook something my way. I buy the real thing and my MIL sits like in the other room because she can't stand the smell.. the rest of the family also loves the fresh stuff anyways so it's a win-win.
BUT - not all MIL's are the same, some like the meek, submissive bahus who don't talk back. If you have a good relationship with your MIL, as in she's more a friend and doesn't mind giving and asking your opinion on things then by all means tell her the truth that you prefer to cook things your way but you'll take her suggestions. But if you have a very formal and distant relationship with your MIL then I wouldn't bother getting into it with her. Despite what advice your husband is giving you.. his mom is a different way with him and he can obviously get away with being more expressive if he wants with her. The best thing to do is just to politely say you will take her advice and hey if it is good advice maybe use it? If she's just trying to butt in and some women have this problem with sharing their kitchen and space with another. They see it as their space and sometimes it's merely a problem they have so just ignore it and continue on.
Things like this come up when you're living in such a big family. Growing up in the west I get it, and I was terrified the first few times I cooked for my in-laws at their place in KHI. But just take her suggestions and don't get offended. Tell her that you are still learning and try not to take anything to heart.
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
i would say take her suggestions and cook the way she tells you on some days and on other days cook the way you want.
if you don't listen to her and always cook your way then she would feel offended and bad and if you always listen to her and cook her way then you would feel bad so better you take a middle road.
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
i would say take her suggestions and cook the way she tells you on some days and on other days cook the way you want.
if you don't listen to her and always cook your way then she would feel offended and bad and if you always listen to her and cook her way then you would feel bad so better you take a middle road.
Good points especially keeping everyone happy.
Maybe divide into breakfast- RaniPakistani cooks her way, lunch the way her husband likes and dinner the way the in laws want it. That way all get a fair chance.
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
If it was someone else...I'd say "Hmmm...looks fine to me. Thanks for checking though...if I need your help I'll definitely let you know!"
However, my MIL likes to have things cooked her way and also likes to teach her bahus. I think all MIL's feel like they have to. For me, its a huge burden off my shoulders, no guess work as to what she likes and how she likes it, no complaints from anyone because she practically cooks it herself and she's happy because she gets her way. I will literally ask her everything - beginning to end.
I am happy because expectations are low of me in the kitched department...I don't feel like its worth a power struggle to simply cook things my way. Its just food and cooking things my way doesn't prove anything in my eyes.
To OP...if you stand up for the important things...your objections will hold value. If you don't pick and choose your battles...it will look like you're just a difficult person. So, I'd say figure out if this is worth it.
I was in this situation my mother in law once belittled me so badly for using packet masala to make biryani that she made a point to show me her 'homemade' masala one and bless her rice were overcooked and didnt turn out well.
My MIL has a habit of picking on everything. She didnt like the way i cooked or how I wanted things even simple things like dishing up a raita with a rice dish was shock horror it got abit much for me as she was bed bound due to a knee replacement and i was a newlywed and constantly trying to please her i just politley told her one day that I will try ur recipes next time for now I am going to make it this way no harm in having a change
Meh she didnt like it but my husband enjoys my cooking thankfully and my FIL also compliments thankfully i dnt live with them now but i totally get it i can be a warzone almost an unseen unspoken war lol just be firm! And polite :)
Re: How to stand up for myself in family interactions
If you have a typical desi mother in law, say ok, I will do it your way and do a bit hr way and the rest yours. Even ask her receipts. You are still a newly we'd, attention from you shall go away in a while, IA.