I am the eldest daughter in law of our family and we live in a joint family system. My In laws have not been super nice to me but I dont blame them because it is as novel an experience for them to add a new person to the family as was for me to be living with them. Now a brother in law of mine, next to my husband, went to Umrah this year. He got attachment with a girl over there who had also been there for Umrah. They exchanged numbers and whatnot and when he came back he talked about her in the front of the whole family (I was also there) that the parents should go bring the rishta there. After that, nothing ha been ever discussed in front of me. Few days back my father in law visited the family of the girl, (they live in another city) and this news was kept away from me (I dont know for what reasons). My husband told me in privacy when my father in law had already returned, that Abbu had been to the girl’s family to meet them. The rest of the family behaved as if nothing had happened. Even my mother in law showed to be angry with my father in law and when I asked her why, she said he had left “somewhere” without telling her and anyone else etc (which doesnt sound convincing really, anyway.)
This brother in law is friends with/works together with an uncle of mine and yesterday when I was visiting my parents, got to meet the same uncle and he, by the way of discussion, told me that he had a chance to meet my brother in law on the way and he asked him what about the rishta process (he already knew about it) and my brother in law replied that his father had gone to meet the family of the girl and now the family will come over to our city to meet us and all that.
So that means the rishta is under due process and hopefully he will marry there. Well being the eldest bahu and a member too, of the family, I am all happy about whatever decision is taken. What is irking me however is why my in laws family is trying to hide things from me. Rumours spread anyway and I do come to know what is going on through some other channels, but it feels bad that your own family is not bringing you into confidence.
So how do I react in this situation? I have not talked about it to any one as yet, not even to my husband, because obviously he will defend the behaviour of his family and I will end up as a loser. Now my point is, if my inlaws think I am not important enough to be informed of what is going on in the family, or am not trust worthy enough to know about family matters, is it fair to be counting on me as their eldest bahu when the wedding will take place or the rishta thing will be brought into open.
If anyone has gone through a similar situation please advise how am I suppose to behave.
Look, I know that it's easier said than done....but maybe this temporary exclusion is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes the more a person is invited in matters....the greater the drama/headache.
It's not like your own immediate family (like your own parents and siblings) hid something from you. It's your in-laws. Your MIL is not your mother. Your FIL is not your father. Do not have similar expectations of your in-laws as you would from your own parents.........especially when the second sentence in your post is that "my in-laws haven't been super nice to me." If they haven't been nice to you from the get-go.....then lower your expecations of them.
Andnow you're asking how you should behave? Well....let's see now. Is going up to them and accusing them of the concealment (no matter how justified it may be)...going to make them like you any more? Is it going to make them apologize to you? Is giving them an attitude or cold shoulder going to help matters? Is choosing to not participate at all in the wedding preparations going to improve things? NOPE! If anything.....it will make them like you even more less AND it will create tension between you and your husband........and if you have a healthy marriage with him.......then count yourself among the blessed....because if you didn't even have that, you'd be royally screwed.
***Confronting them about the matter might even make them happy that they were able to get under your skin. Why give them the satisfaction of that knowledge? When they finally inform everyone about the engagement.....be happy (even if you have to fake it). Don't let them take advantage of you....but help out reasonably with the wedding and expect your reward from Allah. It's your marriage and your sanity that take top priority......not the kartoot of your in-laws. So, take the course of action which won't put a strain on your marriage and which would put the least amount of stress on you. And sometimes moving on (as hard as it is) is the more beneficial option.
The wife always reminds me that one should be careful with in-laws, whether they are BIL, SIL etc. Very rarely are they equivalent to brother or sister. So be professional, as the lady states above.
Lol@ROYALly screwed though. Your post makes very much sense to me and I am feeling a bit better about the situation now. My prompt reaction should have been being neutral when the big news is disclosed finally and even to the length of showing displeasure at the concealment but you are very right that it is not going to help the things, first, and who knows if it affects my marital relation too. I cannot really think i could manage taking stand and not participating in the wedding too, I am not that hard a person I know. Participation with fake happiness and excitement will be a difficult task, though, but thats the only option I think I have, especially when its all in the family. They are not friends or neighbors or even acquaintances I can do with or without. What or whatnot, I have to participate generously and cordially when I am asked and invited to do so, but I have a feeling this is going to be a little killing me inside. I may not expect anything from inlaws, but at the end of the day, this is how people lose respect in your heart and eyes, and then the blame is rested on you too.
Could even be that her in-laws didn't want to tell the daugters-in-law.....for fear it may spread (the DIL might tell her parents/siblings/friends, etc) and spread news about a rishta that hasn't been finalized yet. I know that even within a family....blood-relations may not share info about rishtas, pregnancies, jobs until things are more stable. And these are in-laws we're talking about.
^ yea that is very common I agree. But then it creates chasms in the bonds of relations. Trust is something you have to offer so that the relationship grows. But well it is their choice, and just as I said, they are not accustomed maybe, so far, to assimilate a new member into the family and consider them trust worthy (It is been two years I am married into this family and I really wonder at how long will it take though). But the irony is, you always come to know about the things anyway, in direct or indirect way. Most of the times the rishta stories circulate and things come to you themselves. Like the sister in law went to a family for rishta for the same brother in law and forbade them to mention this in front of ME that they had come for a rishta. I wouldnt have felt bad if they had not insistetd upon hiding it from ME, as if I were an enemy, leave being a third person alone.
I know that there were things that my family concealed from relos...and that they've hidden from us as well. Things that were revealed at a later point. It's their news....they have the greater right in deciding WHEN is the most suitable time to share that news and with whom. In the end, you WILL get to find out about it...and you'll be an active participant. It'd be worse if they didn't inform you later on either. Look at the bright side of this wedding...you'll have fun with the shopping and what not. And perhaps helping out with the preparations may even help everyone bond. And if they still don't appreciate it...meh...don't expect it from them. Let your spouse....who is really the most important person in that family...see you be the bigger person.
the point is, we live in the same house! they cannot really keep everything away from me forever, cant help it really. No I am sure i will be kept as distant in the preparation process as by now, but I have no complaints about that either. My concern is, how should I behave in this kind of situation to maintain my own entity as well a keep sane. I can participate, I will have to, but the feeling of how I am treated will remain there always. And its not about being a bigger person, trust me. My husband, will till not be able to acknowledge the fact that his family was not fair while behaving like this so there is no possibility I will earn respect in his gaze anyway, however I may respond. But if I respond aggressively, he definitely is going to be defensive I am sure.
You're argument is that you all live in the same house and that's why you should have been informed earlier. This point of "we all live in the SAME house" is ALSO the reason why you need to let some things slide.....otherwise life will be a jahannum for you. And when you already know your husband won't say anything againt his parents.....then why bring it up. Save that energy for a MUCH greater offense in the future.
May Allah spare me the greater offense in the future shudders. You are right anyway. I cannot afford to react in any way other than remaining positive and keeping my expectations lowest. I knew this already I think, yet i believe its better that I came over and shared. You can review the situation better when there are more than one aspect shown. thankyou for your honest and helpful posts, red velvet.
I wouldn't want to be too eager to get involved or know about such personal matter of my in-law's.
The thing is...I don't think they're doing anything wrong. They are doing what they need to do make sure this is a safe and secure rishta before popping the news in front of everyone else. They don't want to create a hype when there's nothing to celebrate if things don't workout. Its embarrassing. When we get rishtas...we don't sit there and discuss every single one with our BILs especially if its still in early stages.
This is the time you give them some privacy and let them tell you when its the right time.
And honestly speaking...I would be relieved...less to think about or deal with for me.
To add further credibility to Reha's post. I know of a Brother who was never told about his very own and only Sisters pregnancy until the very last moment. The Brother on the other hand once aware, had no qualms or ill-feelings towards his parents, instead thoroughly understood the reasons behind the parents keeping it all brushed under the carpet. The sister had a miscarriage previously and the parents were keen on not letting all the hype buildup prior the the big day.
There's always a two side story to every little/big issue, point of the matter is. Nobody loves having them around, the creator or the one who has to deal/endure it all. Be it the Mother in law or the actual Mother herself.
The key issue here is the lack of trust they have in you! If i were you, i would definately have a talk with them and figure out the reasons for this. I am not the sort who is ever interested or curious about what is going on in somebody's life even if it be a close relative but you are living with them so its odd to be left out like this. Have a mature discussion with them and amend whatever it is that has been the cause of this mistrust in you.
whats the big deal, you yourself said the rishta "is in process" therefore nothing is official.
just wait, if the rishta developes you will for sure be involved.
Try to think about some reasons why rishta processes are kept secret or on a need to know basis only, ie it protects the girls / boys reputation if the rishta does not work out.
You can imagine how poeple would talk. So think about reasons why and reasons that have nothing to do with your self.
I think you should respect the decision of your in-laws to keep this secret. After all you're not their family, you're just your husband's family. I suppose you could pester him for all the juicy details.
I watched a very good friend of mine go through precisely the same situation. In her case, she played the role of the girl being "rishta-fied" and she and her immediate family decided to keep things private until baat pakki (is that how you spell it? I'm horrible at transliteration). And due to that, all hell broke loose. It was hilarious and heartbreaking watching a bunch of adults pitch a fit like kindergartners over something that really wasn't any of their business in the first place.
You've gotten some really sound advice here. Don't make a big fuss. Be the better person. Life's too short to fret over stuff like this.
The nature of matters like this prove that the joint family system creates the tensions. If you had the circumstances to live separately then doing so will mean that you will not feel left out. In laws often live a separate life to DILs but want to benefit from their presence at the same time.
Now you can be just as secretive in your matters too ...