You see a person with some disability in a party , the disability can be physical or mental . You should be sympathetic to them or just plain ignore their disability and treat them as you would treat a normal person ?
Do you ask them or their family as to the reason of their disability ? Or you save your curiosity for later when you are more intimate with this person and his/her family ? Or you never ever ask that question and wait to be told by that person or a family member of that person ?
I was at a party , one of the guest had a boy with down syndrome , this boy was creating nuisance for other guests , for example he would pickup naan from my plate ,bite on it and then put it back in my plate. Now I do not want to touch this bread or even that plate . So I did not say anything to this guy or the father. I simply pushed the plate on a side , got another plate and moved to other corner of the dinner table. This boy followed me but I made sure that he could not reach my food or plates.
I think that this father should have been more considerate of other guests and should have tried to restrain this kid or should have made some arrangements to come to the party without this kid.
The behavior of that child was inappropriate end of story. Parents are responsible for looking after their children no matter what age and no matter what their abilities or lack of. Every child needs to be taught discipline and appropriate behavior - and this perhaps goes even more for children with disabilities. Because when a child with a disability goes unchecked, they get worse much more quickly than a "typically developing" child.
It would have been completely appropriate for you to treat that child exactly the same as any other child who was acting inappropriately. "No, you dont touch other people's plates. If you want some naan, I can get it for you." You may have received some negative response from the parents - IF they're the type that lets the child do whatever they want because of their disability...but in the end, they are doing much harm to their child with this approach. But the rest of the guests would have been silently congratulating you.
Problem with many parents is that they are in denial for very long period that there is something wrong with their kid and let kid go on his own like parents of other kids are doing to their kids in a gathering.
Parents need to watch their kids. My daughters are Alhamdulillah perfectly normal kids but even when they are sneezing or have runny nose, we either dont go to gatherings or if we do, we keep the kids with us.
Another behavior that bothers me that parents love their kids so much that they are willing to do anything for them, even at the expense of other people. Something as simple as one family (very lovely family) who has one son who is of our younger daughter age. Now he loves to play, does not go to school so can be up late and he insist us to stay further if we go to their house and decided to leave. Now lets say that its 9:00 PM and I want to go home, cause my daughter has to go to school, not only the kids start crying (which is ok as he is a kid) but his parents start insisting, 'oh look how much he wants to play, just stay a little more' ..
I mean like dude, that is your kid, your problem, I have to go home. My daughters are not your kid's toy. I love you and your kid but be sensitive towards other people's priorities
I think you should be kind towards such kids and their parents. Allah maaf karay - that could be any of our kids.
I am not saying to eat the naan or let the child do whatever they want or disrupt the party but at the same time - maybe give them a smile - find a child a toy or something to keep him pre-occupied while the dinner goes on.
Imagine those parents probably never get a break. They constantly have to be on the lookout for if their son or daughter behaves or not.
I feel for the parents because the kids doesn't know any better. I would personally maybe let the child fiddle with my food and while his parent ate and then eat later. (just a thought)
i don't ask the parents what happened - I think it's too much of an intimate topic.
hjgal, thats a pretty typical response but also one that is SO very detrimental to the child, MOSt esp a child with disabilities. They arent totally clueless and they know that they can get away with whatever they want, whatever bad behaviors they feel like doing when you take that approach. They need to learn how to live in society, they need to learn the rules and even the most severely handicapped of children CAN learn these rules. Things like not touching other people's food or plates, not being overly affectionate. It can take ALLLL your efforts and ALL your time but its a necessary thing to teach and something that they can all learn. Its IMPORTANT to teach them how to function in society and indulging personal feelings of guilt or denial does nothing but harm to the child.
I think you should be kind towards such kids and their parents. Allah maaf karay - that could be any of our kids.
I am not saying to eat the naan or let the child do whatever they want or disrupt the party but at the same time - maybe give them a smile - find a child a toy or something to keep him pre-occupied while the dinner goes on.
Imagine those parents probably never get a break. They constantly have to be on the lookout for if their son or daughter behaves or not.
I feel for the parents because the kids doesn't know any better. I would personally maybe let the child fiddle with my food and while his parent ate and then eat later. (just a thought)
i don't ask the parents what happened - I think it's too much of an intimate topic.
well said. this attitude is what sets this society apart in terms of tolerance and sensitivity to children with special needs, the reason why we see them integrated so well here in the mainstream, instead of being hidden away or left at home.
hjgal, thats a pretty typical response but also one that is SO very detrimental to the child, MOSt esp a child with disabilities. They arent totally clueless and they know that they can get away with whatever they want, whatever bad behaviors they feel like doing when you take that approach. They need to learn how to live in society, they need to learn the rules and even the most severely handicapped of children CAN learn these rules. Things like not touching other people's food or plates, not being overly affectionate. It can take ALLLL your efforts and ALL your time but its a necessary thing to teach and something that they can all learn. Its IMPORTANT to teach them how to function in society and indulging personal feelings of guilt or denial does nothing but harm to the child.
I don't know if I had it me to say something to someone else child that was disabled. I would feel aweful.
I understand your point. I think it makes the parents job so much harder.
NJ, I understand what you're saying too. And I'd likely have agreed wholeheartedly if I hadn't had a child with delays. Since I do...I want him to learn how to integrate in the mainstream and learn proper behaviors. If he does something inappropriate and I miss it, I truly appreciate being told about it - or having the victim correct him! The last thing he needs is pity, the last thing I need is pity. He needs to learn and even if it takes him longer than other kids, he DOES learn. Pity would give him an excuse to indulge more and more deeply into his disability. Handicapped children really and truly shouldnt be treated any differently than other kids to the biggest extent possilble.
The initial post had 2 questions, how to treat and a question about enquiries.
My view is that unless the person/family in question volunteers the informtion dont ask.
would you ask someone you dont know, who is parapelegic what happened, why is he in a wheelchair? if someone has some deformity would it be proper for a stranger to go up and ask why one of the limbs is malformed.
forget disabilities, personal questions should simply not be asked, especially if you dont know someone. Should one go up to some overweight lady and start asking her the reason of that, or how long she has been gaining weight, or someone with scarring on their face as to what caused that etc.
I lived with partially disabled roommate for little less then year, I never asked him how that happened.
Once or twice my visitors asked me about him I said “I never asked”
When he was moving out he didn’t ask for help I just grabbed his stuff and put it into his car.
Once in Pakistan we went to see vital-signs show. We had ticket but could not getin through the gate.
So many other ppl wera crossing about 7 feet height fence. there was this this boy from out collage who has his lower body paralyzed. I wanted to ask him for help But I didn’t when I was stepping on the fence he looked at me as he wanted help. So I just pointed at the fence as and ask
“app ko bhi jana hy”
He got existed and said said yes. I grabbed him from his waist(he was not to heavy since he did not really have muscle mas in his legs.) Then I limb up the fence make him sit on the hotel wall. climb on the top grab him and we crossed. He was soooooooooooo thank full.
Me and my friends were so proud of me
sometimes unsolicited help is seen as a statement that you think that ppl with disabilities do things.
I had a reverse situation when there was a fire alarm at work, a gentleman who used a motorized wheel chair was trying to make his way down on the stairs with some crutches and looked like he was having a hard time, I offered help and he just yelled at me that he needed nothing..in a while though he was seen being carried by some people because the fire stewards told him that his safety and that of everyone else behind him was important.
He later came and apologized and explained that he was stressed, knew ppl were looking at him, did not want to be carried by anyone because to him that made him look and feel really incapable etc etc. it was a self respect thing for him.
Usually I don't ask and try to behave as normally as possible. A close friend has a son with developmental delays, I also teach 2 kids with extreme speech and behavioral delays at the masjid. I try to treat them like normal kids and I think they like it that way.
you know nik once I was working at the store this white boy came at the store in his motored wheel chair.
not normal one with the extremely equipped. Because he could hardly move is fingers and hands to some extant.
his body was severely deformed. But he was one pretty boy. I wanted to joke around with him calling him pretty boy But I thought He would think I was making fun of him. In stead I asked him for his ID to sell him tobaco.
OMG was he happy. I swear he was so excited to get "carded" Like he had some thing as another teen age would have. Now he could say "I went to strore and ger careded(asked for id)."
HE didn't have it It wasnt easy for him to speak but he made up a stoy that he will bring it next time.
Theres definitely a difference between kids who are physically handicapped and those who are mentally challenged....and its always a kind and nice thing to offer assistance to those who are physically handicapped for sure. Some are resentful of offers to help - somethimes its because they feel they are being pitied so it makes all the difference in how you offer the help. My dad, when his cancer sp\read to his brain, had to resort to using a wheelchair and he HATED it...but when it came down to operations, he was fine if it was just that - operating and maneuvering. When he encountered people who treated him like a child "OK, HEEEERE we go, weeee!!!!", he just wanted to puke, get out of the chair and SMACK the idiot who was treating him this way.
People want to be treated as PEOPLE. And that pretty much goes for physical OR mental handicaps.
i dont think i would ask, it would feel awfully intrusive
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As for your described scenario i think they best approach was which you employed effectively ignore and forgive if its a short term acquaintence. granted that if problem had presisted or if you were in a situation for prolonged period of time you might've had to ask the parents to take care of the child since that would've been imperative.
Obviously you have not seen a kid with down syndrome.
Being a down syndrome patient he was drooling excessively and leaving his drool on that bread.
OK.....
And the reason I was a little curious about your post was that I have worked with kids who had down syndrome and other developmental disabilites and neurological disorders.
You should not ask anyone about a perceived mental or physical handicap unless he or she volunteers the information. I would have gently disciplined the child and said "no" firmly, and if he persists, remind the parents that "your child seems hungry, do you need to make him a plate of food?" This should remind the parent to pay more attention to the child's needs.
