how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

Lifestyle Relationships
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if you have kids, esp your first one, most set of grandparents will love their grankids to bits and want to spilt them/spend time with them etc. now as a girls parents, sometimes girls parents are less involved with their daughters kids as their sons, its a cultural thing which they could feel pushed into, just like most girls parents are in other situations. now how do you deal with the following situatuons;

you are having a baby, and as the girl, how do you deal with your husbands parents wanting to name the baby and your own parents having a name they like too…obv in the end its you and ur husband that poicks, but say your inlaws choose one, and your own parents choose one, what do you do, what if you genuinly like your own parents name better, im sure youll get the oh she chose her parents name over ours remark.

secondly , its your bday/party/function/anniversay/eid whatever, and your inlaws made you a suit, as did your mum, ur in laws wants u to wear their suits, what do you do…same goes for your kid, ur inlaws got her a suit for her bday/whatever and they want her to wear it, however so did ur parents , so what do you do…

and generally, how do you deal with this kind of competition…

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

In arab culture the first child is named after grandparents, the girl wants to name it on her parents while the boy wants to name it on hos parents, imagine!

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

When you're only having ONE child......and there are TWO families that have name suggestions......and you can only pick ONE of the two suggested names......................then obviously there will be NO perfect balance. There can't be (in such a situation) when the equation isn't equal.

1) If you were having twins...that could increase the chances of it being "balanced."

2) Or if you and your hubby decide that you both WILL NOT pick either of the names suggested by the in-laws (your parents and his parents).......and would rather pick a name chosen and mutually agreed upon amongst yourselves (you n him).......that can create a balance.

3) Or you take the two names suggested by the in-laws.......and use one of them as the child's first name...and the other as the child's middle name. That can create somewhat of a balance....although obviously the name that gets chosen as the baby's "first name" will be more important/special.

4) You can appease the in-laws whose name suggestion was rejected........by giving the hope of future babies.

5) It's understandable that both sides of the family are very excited about the name.......but it would be better if you and your husband try to calm everyone down by saying that you're still looking into name options and that there's no guarantee that you'll choose anything suggested by them............and also gently tell them that you hope they won't "mind/get upset" if their name is not chosen......and that the most important thing is that the baby is healthy, is accepted, has a loving family, etc etc.

6) Goodness gracious, Nadz....you married your cousin. Your in-laws are RELATED. They're FAMILY....literally......and upon just this basis.....I hope they don't develop grudges over this.

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

7) Worse comes to worst......just put the baby up for adoption...and let it be named by strangers. Na rahay ga baans....

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

It really doesn't matter what suit you wear or your child wears.... what the hell?

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

Well, for special occasions like Eid....people will meet/greet for Eid namaz (which they usually dress up for).........and then in the evening there may be parties to attend or you may visit your in-laws, parents, etc.

^SO...you can wear the clothes (that your family gave) to Eid Namaz (during the day).......and then wear the other kapray (given by in-laws) when you go meet them later on during the day. The same can be done with baby clothes. That's one way of compromising.

If you don't get to see in-laws often....dress yourself and your kid in clothes that they gave.........and send them a picture (if they live far away). That's a way of showing you appreciate the gift.

And there will be times when you'll feel like dressing YOURSELF and your kid in your own choice of clothes. So you can't beat yourself up over something petty like this. If your parents or the in-laws get upset...........placate them by saying that you wanted to save their clothes for an even more special occasion, etc.

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

the way i see it u can always say to ur own family that my inlaws want me to do/wear this....and im sure they will have no problem woth that...they dont want ur inlaws to get upset with you..! personally if my inlaws had a name and my parents did i would choose my inlaws and the same with clothes....i think in our culture it is the way to keep the peace as such...maybe that is the way i am bought up...the last thing my parents would want is to have any problems in my life with my inlaws due to them :)

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

The thing is Nadz, if you're dealing with immature and ignorant people like this, these issues are going to keep coming up. First it's the name, then it's the outfit for the akika, then for the 1st birthday, etc etc etc. You need to calmly explain to them that you will make choices for the child, based on what you feel best. Sometimes one parent will agree, and sometimes another will. You love and appreciate all they do for you and your child. Let them know how thankful you are. Be respectful of them. Do your best to please them when it doesn't really conflict with your own wishes. Be conscious of how much time you give for each grandparent to spend with your child. Be conscious about favoring one or the other. Do your best to be fair. And then if they are going to complain and gossip, let them. If they want to, they will find something to complain about, no matter how hard you try. So don't live your life trying to please their whims when they have no real wisdom behind them. Use your head and be sensible. But then ignore the conflict and pray for the best for you and your family.

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

Hmm.. if you have only one or two people in ur family like that... i would just say please them. If they are the grandparents and they wish for you to put a dress on the child they provided, just do it. Put ur ego aside... Or you could put theirs on first and after awhile change the child into something you like. Play it safe.

In regards to the names... choose one that is different to the ones they have picked. Simple.

There are situations where you need to put urself and ur child first... there are other situations where you shouldnt even bother. Got to pick your battles.

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

just select n wear the one YOU like....

you dont need to show off that u praise somebody's gift. this should b reflected by ur behavior. it's much better if u appreciate somebody's gift by heart instead of wearing it or using it just to show him/her.

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

^ dont agree. because at teh end of the day she will always put on something her mother has picked up.

There is no harm in being generous to someone... evne if ur playing it up a little. Be kind

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

Wow, does such competition (between the in-laws) really exist?
I always wear the clothes my MIL sends, my mom doesn't even care what I wear as long as I'm happy.

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

you have to stop living your life/lives for your parents and live them for your kid. Take what each set of parents say with a grain of salt and do what makes you and your child happy, PERIOD!

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

^ Agreed! These problems arise when you let people create them. Back down once and your trapped! A simple NO is all it will take. Yes they may get upset but do you really want to live your life having to please other people?

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

Clearly it matters to the author of the thread, otherwise she wouldn't have posted it.

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

be smart about it

i live with my in laws who are very giving and my parents who live in a totally diff continent are also very giving

for our first eid, my parents had a jora sent for me and the husband, my mil also had clothes made.. what did i do?

wore my mil's gift to eid namaz and througout the day...and wore my moms outfit to the evening party.

had a son and for his aqeeqa, again, 2 outfits were made... this time wore mom's outfit during the day and then mil's outfit to the party.

my son's first bday, mil bought him a shalwar kameez suit with khoosay from pakistan.. whilst my mom had a sherwani sent in also with khoosay... and since it was our kid's first, we also bought him an outfit, a tuxedo suit :D

ek bacha, 3 outfits...

so in the morning, he wore the shalwar kameez mil had got him, at the party he wore the sherwani for the first half and then i changed him into the tux we had gotten him and that he too wore only for a bit... he soon changed into a much comfy romper.

there you have it...

its really not that hard... the only way its ever a mess if you hate what you are getting, or look down upon the person who is giving it to you... if you whole heartedly accept what is given to you, you make ways and create oppurtunities to use that gift.. just like its your desire to cloth feed etc etc your first child, your in laws and parents arent far behind in sharing those feelings. accept their love, and watch it blossom :)

as for name giving.. both sets of parents suggested names.. we hated all of them. and came up with one of our own... and if you like a name your parents are suggesting, and feel that your in laws will mind it, simple... dont tell them it was a suggestion your parents gave.
but to be honest, no one gives a damn once they see the baby.. everying is forgotten .

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

bravo to what khawateen said :)

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

:k:

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Re: how to keep a balance from both grandparents with your kids

Totally agree with khawateen.

And whats with the “if you back down now you will always be trapped” talk?

Be kind to people, people… And i follow khawateen’s logic too. It works well and everyone stays happy :k: