Ok so I do believe in dating, not in the sex before marriage sense, but i do believe in meeting people and getting to know them and working out if they are right for me in a long term sense etc. So please do not lecture me if you share a different point of view. Also my parents are cool with me finding someone myself so thats whose opinion i really care about in this matter. Thanks
I also do believe Allah will bring the right person into my life at the right time but it wont help if i just sit around all day waiting for him to be presented on a plate to me. i was basically talking to a friend this afternoon saying how hard it is to meet someone for marriage purposes. My parents (bless them) are trying hard but we live in a very white area where muslim pakistanis are rare and have been trying for 2 years and in 2 years ive had about 2 rishtas :S
My friend said to me that I really dont help myself in finding the right guy. I dont really âget out thereâ meeting people. Im a popular girl with lots of friends but he was saying that I really dont let myself be seenâŚ
I dont really know what I can do though?
How can I help myself and what more can my parents do?
Also im not super fair and unfortunately lots of pakistani men do not find me attractive for this reason and its not in my headâŚmany have said this to my face.
Ok. Everyone has their preference but would you want to be with someone like that who has so much importance for a skin tone?!.
Get Social.
Make yourself available. I know i should be the last person to say this but sometimes some of us give out âstay away from meâ vibes so keep a check on that.
Let your family/relatives/friends know that you are looking for possible prospects and if they have someone in mind, they can let you know.
Not everyone has the narrow mindset of fair is best, so keep this in mind.
Maybe you could find out at your local mosque about any events they are holding? That might be one way. Also, i think ive heard of some place organising muslim speed dating nights, maybe try something like this?
Also i know it s a cliche, but when you look for something, its hard to find and rarely found, when you dont really look, it finds you, so be patient and remain positive, and best of luck
Have you tried meeting a guy through friends? Maybe they have a brother , cousin, neighbour etc?
Also, you did say youâre studying Med? Iâm sure your uni has an ISOC or other organisations where you can meet people? etc albeit it kinda sounds wrong trying find a guy thorugh ISOC but it does work.
I have told all my friends to keep an eye out for me so lets see if anything comes of that. Out of my many many friends only 2 are actually muslim and pakistani at uni but i have others around the country so will speak to them too.
We do have ISOC and it is a good idea howeverâŚIm actually probably one of the eldest students in the uni as medicine is a very long degree most of the guys in ISOC are younger than meâŚalso our ISOC has no mixed eventsâŚwhat a flop haha.
Thankyou though for the advcie i love everyone on here <3
Hi i would prefer someone from the Uk but im very open to other men who have grown up in western countries. In particular austrialia and canada just because my degree is more easily transferable, open to US too but lower down on the list.
you shouldnt worry, definitely not at this age.. ur young girl It only gives u headaches and nothing more reallyâŚ
I take it ur open to moving to a different country, which creates more options for youâŚ
For me it is very very hard to decide how one gets to know the guy in a different country before agreeing to a rishta?? how do u girls do this⌠this is so hard to digest for meâŚ
Honestly, its best not to get too desperate especially at your age. Have faith and the right person will come along at the right time. Also, try to be realistic about your expectations regarding married life. A lot of young girls delude themselves into dreaming about their knight in shining armor who will whisk them away to the land of happy-ever-after. Live isnât a fairytale and contrary to popular belief, you will never find âthe oneâ or âMr. Rightâ unless you a truly fortunate and blessed. You will have to make concessions one way or another especially if you are aware of your own shortcomings that may negatively impact a potential suitorâs perception of you.
I think especially at the initial part of the courting phase, its best for both parties to be straightforward, honest and not try to play (mind) games with each other. Be polite, respectful, show interest in what the other part has to say, ask questions, discuss your expectations of what you both desire out of a relationship, and be careful not to be to over zealous in your desire during the initial phase â nothing kills attraction and respect faster than the reek of desperation .
I definately do hold faith in God that he right person will come at the right time but i do also have to get off my ass and give myself the best chance of that happening.
Having been through a 2 year relationship and a couple of rishta processes and a recent one which didnt work out im quite aware of compromises that have to be made. I dont really believe in the one i believe there are many âthe onesâ. Im not desperate but i am worried.
I like your advice about the courting phase but its finding someone to court in the first place thats the issue.
You are absolutely right! If you have the wherewithal and the opportunity to find someone of your own accord that would be great! However, if there is a dearth of potential candidates within your social sphere, it would be futile to drive yourself into a tizzy about trying to find someone â the phrase needle in a haystack comes to mind.
Can I ask how your previous two rishtas came about? Was it via your parents social network, family liaison etc. You mentioned that you are only interested in men who have âgrown upâ in western countries because of your concerns about job placement. I definitely understand the latter concern, but may I ask why you have restricted your choice to only men who have specifically been raised in a western nation? I mean, what about Pakistani individuals who are working or studying abroad. Are you wary of marrying a well educated Pakistani national?
The first rishta came through a family friend, second rishta was recommended to parents by a rishta person. I went to pakistan in december and there were a couple of great guys there tooâŚwell educated, nice families and good jobs and the guys had lived in the UK for 3-4 years but i just didnt get on with them that well. I have spent my whole life in the UK and im very very british and grew up in a very white area. I like my traditions for example i love shalwar kameez and the food and some aspects of the culture and im very into family. But I dont know i just didnt click with those guysâŚthey didnt get me and i didnt get them. Im not closed off to it but i dont see myself marrying someone who hasnt been raised in the UK or a western country.
At my uni there are lots of pakistani nationals studying here but i dont get on with them as much as i got on with british pakistanis. I dont want to offend anyone but its just what i have found.
havenât gotten a chance to read all the responses but why isnât going to pakistan and finding somebody there an option that youâre exploring? most of the time thatâs the case for desis that were raised abroad, the parents will be conservative so for some girls there wouldnât even be the option of dating
if youâre already working and done with college then i would take a week or two weeks and just devote all that time to looking for men that are compatible
abcds and abroad raised men sometimes arenât really open to an arranged marriage type of scenario where the dating is done in the hopes of a committed relationship going towards marriage. so try to see if there are men in pakistan that would want to settle abroad. get your parents actively involved
I can empathize with your concerns since I used to think the same way, that is, until I met my Pakistani fiance, who turned out to be more cultured, decent and sophisticated than any American desi guy I know. Sometimes I think we individuals who have been raised in the west tend to become ethnocentric towards our own people (despite having some affinity with the ancestral culture) and start perceiving them through the eurocentric western gaze as the âotherâ since most of our identity has been subsumed by the âgoraâ culture we have grown up in. However, since we are constrained by the bounds of culture/religion we tend to look at others like us who have grown up in the west as more worthy partners because we feel that only they can relate to the uneasy balance we have to maintain between our (conservative) eastern traditions and (liberal) western outlook.
Anyway, the point of my post is that donât deliberately restrict your options by letting your prejudices get in the way. If a rishta does come from Pakistan give it an equal and unbiased opportunity; thereâs no harm in doing so since you can always reject the proposal if you feel you guys donât get along AFTER you have given that person proper consideration. Who knows, you might very well be pleasantly surprised one of these days.
In any case, Iâll repeat what I said earlier, I am certain you will find the right person at the right time. At this stage, you should concentrate on finishing up medical school and then searching for a residency program. Establish yourself as an independent, working professional first and I am certain excellent prospects will follow suit.
no i wouldnt want to be with someone like that but it automatically puts me at a disadvantage i feel.