how to help my mother?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

My mother suffers alot from anxiety, for some reason she is over anxious about ‘nazr’ and curses from people for some reason especially from family members as much as she loves family she also is very superstitious for some reason.

We recently had a very good trip in karachi but my mum called me today (i live away from home) and she was very depressed and anxious…my dad was ill a few months ago and she was saying…she is worried that people will say that her husband was ill and she spent time making clothes, she is upset that people know about my dads illness as in pakistan people keep illness a secret, people in pakistan always say things without thinking…they said ‘ohh new clothes every day’ or ‘you must have hurt someone or upset someone thats why this illness came in ure family’.

She called me very upset and depressed saying that she never wants to go to pakistan again, burn all the clothes and just not live anymore!!! :s im very upset

what can i do, a feel only a dua for her will help :frowning:

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Re: how to help my mother?

so your father's gotten better right? he's not ill anymore

anxiety is all in the mind, i also get panic attacks and major anxiety in certain situation that are intimidating.
everybody suffers from it in varying degrees.

since your mother is getting more and more upset and depressed b/c of what people say and she seems to take it so personally, i would constantly make her feel good about herself, whenever you see her give a genuine compliment.

if you have a pakistani therapist, ask her for professional advice on what you should do and hopefully it's not real, clinical depression that your mother suffers which can be dangerous and i would go to the therapist first before trying anything on my own to make her feel better.

of course duas are always good

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Re: how to help my mother?

You don't need to give your relatives an explanation. But if you feel you MUST respond to them:

When they say things like "New clothes everyday" (sounds like a jealous comment), you can respond calmly by saying:

1) "My husband/father knows how the money is being spent and he's okay with it. In fact, he encouraged us to buy as many clothes as we need since we don't come often and the quality/price is better in Pak." LMAO....that's like a smack-in-yo-face comment.

And when they say that "You must have hurt or upset someone and that's why there is illness in your family"..........you can respond with:

1) "So when you or your family member gets ill....is it because you did something rotten to someone?" (Throw their question right back at them and see them go speechless and squirm) And you have to ask the question with that fake innocence that they ask it with, LOL.

2) "Illnesses can also be a test from Allah. And trials tribulations (mussebatain) are also Allah's way of bringing the person closer to Him." See.....that's a more positive way of answering them.

The comments that your relos are making...seem to stem from jealousy/spite. Loving relatives don't say things like that. And well...loving relatives are a rarity, lol. I don't like more than half of mine. But your mom needs to be more strong because that's life. She can't control what relos/people in Pakistan or elsewhere are going to say. She does, however, have a lot of control over how she reacts to them. It's not very often that you go to Pakistan.......you paid a lot of money for your tickets......so you enjoy your time there. Don't let some jaahil relatives take that away from you...cuz you can't change them. Your mom needs to be more confident and develop a thicker skin. We've dealt with relos in Pak who will return a gift you give them simply because they didn't like it. Chit like this happens......you just move on with your life. People who make such comments thrive on seeing you upset....that's why they such things in the first place....which is why you show them that you're not ruffled by their idiocy. Don't give them the satisfaction.

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Re: how to help my mother?

educate her in the light of islamic teachings.

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Re: how to help my mother?

thankyou rv for your reply :) i understand what you are saying completely and will try and explain this to her however what can i say to her in the short term....she called me about 30 mins ago very depressed and anxious and i dont think i was very helpful and she cut the convo short and just hung up.....she is very worried that 'ab log kya kahengey' aur 'laug ki nazar to nahi lagi ge' etc

she sounds so uneducated lol but shes not we come from an educated family but shes just so anxious it makes her irrational!

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Re: how to help my mother?

Explain to your mom that Allah controls everything and He is more powerful than anyone's "nazar." And the cure/protection for these things is rather simple....recitation of certain surahs from the Quran.

I've dealt with idiotic relatives and most of the time I ignore their comments and treat them better than they treat me. And I think that trying to being respectful is important as you don't want to fuel someone who already doesn't have a sincere heart toward you......but then again.....I also believe that sometimes a person needs to be put in their place (in a dignified manner)....because they think that think that they can get away with doing stupid things because they haven't been called on it. Pick and choose your battles...let some things slide.

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Re: how to help my mother?

It's understandable.....I think that parents (even those who live in the US) get disturbed because many of them grew up in Pakistan...they know the mentality of the people (the comments, the judgment, the stereotypes, etc) all to well. Your mom can even try the "killing them with kindness" approach and getting some clothes for the relative who made the comment about the clothes. When you pay a lot of money for a trip, you can't let these things get you down. She should enjoy her visit as it may be a long time before she goes back again.

People fall sick...not necessarily because of nazar....but because they ate something that disagreed with them or because they were being careless. One of the problems with our culture is that people blame everything that happens on "nazar" and that exempts them from individual responsibility. That's dangerous. God forbid if something negative happens .......your mom will NEVER be able to find out "who" exactly was the person who put the nazar on her........and it may not be nazar....it could be a test from Allah....or whatever. There's no definite way of knowing why something happened. That said...she shouldn't get so worked up over this. She'll never know...so that energy she's using to worry about these things...should be used to in more positive ways.....like praying/shopping/spending time with family who cares about her, etc.

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Re: how to help my mother?

hey... hope your father gets well soon. My mom was also like that, still is sometimes... but all of us we made her understand one thing whatever people say you just can't let that get to your health - nothing's worth it. So you and your siblings should always talk to her and keep emphasizing on this. Because ppl will talk no matter what esp when they get jealous. TALK BACK! Such ppl don't deserve decency you have to give them a taste of their sh*t.

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Re: how to help my mother?

thankyou everyone. please pray for my father.

I am taking note of all your advice and I will call my mother a little later when she will hopefully be a little more willing to talk.

pakwoman i will also talk to my brother to talk to my mum.

RV- yeah my mother grew up in pakistan and her mother died when she was very young and also got married and left pakistan as soon as she finished uni, she has spent 25 years ish in the UK so having grown up there she understands the mentality but not having been there for a longg time i dont think she knows how to handle it all!!

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Re: how to help my mother?

Sorry to hear about this situation.

I would just like to confirm though, that the 'evil eye' is also a legitimate and realistic concern. The Prophet (pbuh) has implicated in many hadiths that the evil eye is a real, strong and an easy to contract influence.
He has explained that, it can be caught from the affection aswell as jealosuy/envy of people.

Ofcourse in most daily incidents or occurance of misfortunes, nazar doestn play a part and people have already advised well from this perpective. I also do not think this is a case of nazar, but since you asert that your mother shows regular concern for the evil eye, i just want to touch a bit on this and also to remind a bit.

On of the best protection from the evil eye and from any general damage throughout a day for a person is to recite thrice:

surat ikhla, surat nas, and surat falaq in the morning and in the evening.

The Prophet said, this would protect a man from all harmful things, and he also used to do this ruqyah on himself morning and night, and he used blow after reading this, into his hands and rub his entire body from head to toe three times. The Prophet was do disciplined in this ruqyah for protection, that in his final illness, when he could not do it himself, his wife H.Aisha used to do it for him.

If one cannot stop worrying about an afllication or evil of any kind occuring to them, then they should supplicate with this, Inshallah this should give peace.

This is a well known and authentic supplication.
Hadiths on it are stated in; Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawud, Ahmad and Ibn Majah which all are amongst the most respected hadith books.

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Re: how to help my mother?

Have you thought about taking her to see someone? A therapist?

Your mom may just need someone to vent and talk to. I feel she is really stressed out and nazr as well as rumors dont make it any better.

Desi parent are not open to the idea many times but if you talk to her and just tell her to give it a chance...it might help her become stronger so she can deal with things better.

Hope your dad is better and things work out.

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Re: how to help my mother?

hi redvelvet i really like ur advices :) it can help me as well