My SIL was expecting a baby girl, but infortunately the baby passed away in the last month of pregnancy. Her two older boys ( 5 & 7 ) .. were really looking forward to having a behna …
But now ever since they have found out that behna is not coming anymore , the younger son has reacted very badly .. he cries all the time and is really disturbed and shocked … I think mostly coz mom was hopitalized, dad busy with her , kids found out through another kid in the family and then when they asked dad that why behna is not coming , dad wasnt prepared and at that time could think of nothing but “coz you two fight all the time and now she decided she’s not coming” …
Mother still doesnt know what to tell the boys … the little one is still in shock over why he wont have a sister coming now …
ohhh CB Iam so sorry to hear about your SIL. May Allah give her great strength and patience to deal with the loss of a baby.
As for her youngest son the shock is understandable but I think both parents should sit down with the youngest and explain to him in plain and rather imaginative language that behna was created by Allah and he wanted her back, once she is ready to come back she will....etc. But they should only do it when your SIL is mentally and emotionally ready to talk about it because it can be very upsetting. As for the boy crying all the time, I think its because of seperation anxiety (being away from mum) and then hearing it (I guess in a cruel manner) from some other kid. When he does cry, it's important to remain quiet so he can cry all the pain out and give the child lots of hugs, kisses and reassurance that all will be well..InshAllah. Usually sitting them down on your lap and giving them a hug helps alot to quell the tears. I do that with my nephew when he is super upset about something and he calms down alot after that.
Another good thing to do is to try and find a distraction. Something to make him forget about his "behna". So maybe take him out to a kid's park, read some books etc. Also I would remove any signs of preparation for a newborn baby so he doesnt get upset looking at them.
Also, at this time the whole family (incl grandparents etc) need to come together to allow the children who are alive to feel loved and appreciated.
I hope that tirade helps! and once again, Iam sorry to hear about this sad news. May Allah bestow mercy and His love upon your family during these testing times. Ameen.
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I hope that tirade helps! and once again, Iam sorry to hear about this sad news. May Allah bestow mercy and His love upon your family during these testing times. Ameen.
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CB, I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Its a very traumatic thing to go through, more especially when its late in the pregnancy. Prayers to your family.
My heart goes out to this little 5yr old boy. I imagine he was told that the baby had died. THEN his own father tells him that its his fault. He's thinking he murdered his baby sister. Surely this would make any little kid feel shocked and disturbed and cry all the time. This is a prime example of why people need to THINK before they speak and to do it without extreme emotion. Once you say something, it cannot be UN-said. Now its time for damage control.
The little guy needs alot of support and he needs to be told in plain language and told very often that this was in no way his fault. That sometimes, Allah/God decides to keep the baby for Himself and that they will indeed one day get a baby sister just not as soon as they thought. Hugs and prayers to the little guy.
Star , the family and grandparents are quite helpful … but even mom doesnt know what to tell the kids .. the older one is doing fine and understanding , but it was always the youngest one who was much excited … at one point when she was in her fourth month , little one pestered his mom saying why cant we get the behna asap , she said , abi we dont have enough money na .. so he went and got his pocket money and gave to mom … that was the level of excitement ..
And now when the kids are together , the other sister’s young one also 5 , met him this morning and said , dont worry i will go bring your behna for you .. when i went to the hospital last time , I got myself a behna .. I will bring one for you now … and H ( the litle one ) got all excited one again .. so its this constant info and back and forth in him thats making it hard for him to accept that behna is not coming anymore …
But the major thing is that his mom is very confused and scared and doesnt know what to tell the little one … I called him yesterday and told him an imaginary story that Allah mian was going to send behna but then you have abdullah and abdullah has you … so Allah mian decided to keep her with him or else he would have been all alone … etc .. but the child didnt buy my story :hinna: …
my cousin was in a similar situation. had 2 boys, and then a daughter who passed away after 18 months. The younger boy used to act up a lot, but alhumdulillah, as time went on, he became used to the idea she his sister wasnt going to come back and i think maybe forgot a lot of what happened as well, and alhumdulillah, my cousin had another baby girl whom both brothers are very much attached too.
did they bury the baby? maybe take him to the grave to get some sort of closure. i dunno...its sad and heartbreaking.
May Allah SWT grant the little boy and his family sabr and bless them with good things to come.
yes Afshi they burried the baby ... you think it will help taking the little one there? wouldnt he start asking more questions then? about death and so forth?
he's 5. maybe he has some idea of death, and he thinks his behna is just gone - disappeared. maybe him visiting her grave would give him an idea that she is there and wont be coming home and will be waiting for him in jannah.
… worth exploring , i will share this with SIL .. and ask her to first know how much he knows about death already and then if he does then take him with her to the grave when she visits it.
oh i'm so sorry to hear that, i feel for the whole family, as for your 5 year old nephew, i wouldn't take him to the grave, i know my son who is also 5 would understand that being with Allah is a good thing but not understand why the grave is a better place,i could imagine my son asking questions such as is she not cold there, is she not lonely, does she not get scared in the dark, i personally think you should not take him to the grave yet...
I just pray that Allah gives you all sabr and gets you through this difficult time, Ameen
They are just 5 and 7 years old kids.. how difficult for them to grab a soccer ball, go out side and forget everything about it? I bet it's your SIL whose not getting over it and likes to feel the pain through kids..
Ameen to all the prayers … MC12IT , some kids might find it easy to forget such things , but some kids are very sensitive and how they are dealt with at that time can have its effects for many years after as well …
I was 6 when i found out that everyone was hiding my beloved dadajee’s death from me .. they kept telling me he’s gone for hajj … and I cried so much , hated everyone and can you believe it even when i was 12 , I told my parents I dont trust them coz they hurt me !
so things like these can have long term affects on kids if not handled properly… in this case the kid H was totally totally enthusiastically waiting for behna … and who knows how let down he is , or hurt he is , that hurt needs to be addressed properly rather then thinking bacha hai bool jaye ga bi …
I know kids are sensitive but their brain is not developed enough to go on a depressing mode like we adults do.. unless of course their parents are keep making them remember about the loss.. often moms who have lost their babies in this manner like the ache so much and try to involve others with them so the pain wont end any time soon. ..I think more than the kids, it was the mother who was attached to the baby and liked the feelings, extra attention, and all that TLC which came with it, hence she is refusing to let it go... but because her being an adult she can't carry on with a grieve so lets shift it on to the kids so the pain or the feelings wont fade away.. Give your SIL some time to grieve, if it helps then take her to specialist, kids will be fine in no time.
… that was the level of excitement ..
… worth exploring , i will share this with SIL .. and ask her to first know how much he knows about death already and then if he does then take him with her to the grave when she visits it.
