Rishta of a guy that is the son of a family that is very close to my family. It seems like a good match but his mother is very traditional since she grew up in a small village even if she’s lived in the US for close to 25 yrs now. She has the habit of speaking like how a whip is. If you say something that she might see as absurd she’ll say something back that’s a slap on your face. I like the guy, he seems like a good match and it would be totally arranged but the families are close and I knew him in our childhood so we have a lot in common. I think I could really fall in love with this guy because my mom likes him and my dad is very close to the family.
If it does end up being something good as in marriage, alḥamdulillāh,what would I do when his mother says something not so nice?
Now when someone says something mean, I usually go completely silent and take a 5-10 minute breathing break depending on the level of the mean comment and go back when I know I won’t say something i’ll regret. But this is marriage not a work related issue.
Re: How to handle certain sticky situations in Marriage
Will you be living with his mom? That would make a difference. If you'd be living with in-laws, then you have to understand that conflicts are bound to happen from time to time with the people you share a roof with. It's only natural.
It also depends on the guy. Is he the kind who is able to recognize mistakes made by his family or is the kind who is blindly defensive. But even the most objective and fair-minded husband will not defend you in every single issue you habe with his mom and that's understandable because doing so would strain his relationship with mom. So both you and him would have to pick and choose your battles.
Other than that, all that you can do is be careful about how you say and do things. If MIL doesn't get jokes, then avoid them. Avoid sarcasm. With time you get a feel for what things the other person is sensitive about. You also get a feel for how they respond post conflicts. For someone who is going to develop a grudge or create drama, maybe it's better to hold your tongue. For someone who is very sensitive, maybe it's better to clear up misunderstandings as soon as possible. Again, you get a feel for things with time. Sometimes it can be better to grin and listen quietly....just to keep the peace....even if you end up doing your own marzi later on. Like they say, "suno sab ki par karo apni." And then there's killing with kindness. Show comsideration for the other person thru your words and actions...especially...and it can make them feel sharminda and possibly mind their own behavior.
Many times silence is the best solution. Silence is golden; it's maddeningly powerful.
Talk to your parents about your hesitations/reservations about this rishta and consider their input. Then do istikhara. Do it several times. If Allah knows this rishta to be good for you, it'll take place. If He knows it to be harmful, then thr rishta won't happen.
Re: How to handle certain sticky situations in Marriage
Thanks for the good advice. I only still know them as family friends it's just my mind is working overtime making it into something and there is nothing. The guy did say he doesnt want to get married publicly in front of my presence and the rest of the family but he is active on a shaadi site and declined me on the same marriage site so that makes the answer pretty apparent that he wants to get married just not to me :(. It took some time for my mind to fully accept that. The search goes on...lol. But the advice is helpful just in case marriage with any other guy is in my future.
Re: How to handle certain sticky situations in Marriage
AoA sister
One thing to remember is that your MIL sounds like she is from a completely different culture and mindset - she's never worked. She will control her son and your marriage unless the son is wise and can define his boundaries to his mother. It is a lifelong relationship and I'm afraid that's the problem - you can't escape it but live with it and it's a HUGE commitment to tolerate a mans mother IF you don't like her. All the best and all of the above depends on your tolerance levels
