How to forgive parents....

[redvelvet]

@zash01

thanks for your input guys, greatly appreciate it.

@Mirch

You can seek professional help. Some counseling , some meeting with a psychologist. Specially when you feel that you are at the brink of having a mental breakdown . This the only way to get over it and overcome your anxiety. It will save you from having a nervous breakdown too.
If you for sure know none of that applies to you then only time will heal your wounds.

I am booked in for some counselling in march hopefully it will help but i guess I was wanting to know if there were some other ways that i could forgive and forget.

You need to develop strong friends that can advice and support you.
You also need to become financially independent.

I would also suggest you get a mental health consouler (don’t think this as a negative) who is from the desi community and can provide you with mental support.

Basically I have been an inoverted person from the begining. I have never had real friends. I am financially independant (Mashallah). With friends I feel my parents feel that any friends (I even felt with my fiance) distract me from them and that I guess it means that they might lose me.

you forgive not for their sake as much as for your sake…close that chapter, clear your mind, move on and dont live in the past but look to the future. BUt dont forget lessons learnt..be strong, take control of your life and dont let them sacrifice you on the altar of their bad ideas

I completely agree with you I need to let this go, but its difficult espacially when i go home and the only thing I have in common with them is Relo’s, Religion. I feel that they don’t take an interest in my life or my needs but I always have to be the one they want to talk to about whats happening in their families lives. I am not saying i am a saint everyone has faults and being an only child who is spoint doesn’t help.

Zash01,

Children are supposed to be parents’ top priority. And unfortunately, that was not the case in your situation. Your parents instead gave their business deal higher priority over YOU and YOUR WELL-BEING and HAPPINESS. And that was wrong of them.

I understand that its not healthy to keep grudges and especially toward the people that brought you into this world. Have you ever heard the saying, “Forgive, BUT don’t FORGET?” Allah Miyan saved you from having to marry and live with a guy who is not good for you. Your parents might have had their own selfish intentions for a prosperous business deal…BUT ALHUMDOLILLAH, Allah did not allow your parents’ plans to become successful. So, Zash, forgive your parents for Allah’s sake.But don’t forget what happened…otherwise how will you be able to learn a lesson from your parents’ mistakes? And the lessons you should learn are that:

1. Don’t repeat the same mistakes that they made

2. Now that you have learned that your parents did not communicate with you openly and sincerely about a previous rishta…THEN in the future you need to stand up for yourself. If the next rishta turns out to be incompatible, then have the courage to stand up for yourself and your life…if your parents have failto do so. **God forbid, **if your parents weren’t with you…you’d have to make life’s decisions by yourself.

Take this bad experience and turn it into a LEARNING EXPERIENCE that has made you stronger and wiser. In my opinion that’s a way to get over the negative feelings you are going through.

And the next time that your parents come up with an incompatible rishta that they BELIEVE is IN YOUR BEST INTEREST BECAUSE IT WAS CHOSEN BY ELDERS.… PLEASE remind your parents about their PREVIOUS DREADFUL MISTAKE!

Have you spoken to your parents about what happened? Have you tried sitting down and telling them how
1) they pressured you into a match that was a business deal

2) they knew that the match was incompatible and complained about the guy, yet they did **NOTHING **to prevent it.

3) How everytime you tried to communicate your feelings about the rishta, you were prevented by the emotional blackmail of your mom hitting herself and the wall.

Try telling your parents how emotionally painful this whole situation is for you. Tell them how you feel. Tell them that next time, your input about a rishta needs to be taken into SERIOUS consideration without **body/wall hitting **because you have **NO DESIRE **to go through the whole drama again. I’m not saying that you should be rude to your parents. But sit down and talk to them **NICELY **about what you have been through and tell that what you expect for the future.

Parents can be good at emotional blackmail, courtesy of Indian movies! But trust me, most parents are not gonna DISOWN you if you go against their wishes. It’s your basic Islamic right to find a spouse to your liking. And according to Islamic law, a nikkah is not valid unless the couple gives their mutual consent. I once read that a man came to the Prophet SAWS and complained that his daughter does not want to marry the man he has chosen for her and would rather marry someone else. And the Prophet SAWS told him (THE FATHER) to let his daughter marry the man of her choice instead of forcing her. I think sometimes parents wrongfully twist the **OBEY/RESPECT THY MOTHER AND FATHER command **to their advantage.

The last thing I’m going to say is that YOUR PARENTS CAN PRESSURE YOU AS MUCH AS THEY WANT WITH ALL THE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL IN THE WORLD..…BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY…IT IS YOUR DECISION/CONSENT that determines everything. SO if you end up marrying a LOSER…then keep in mind that YOU were the one who gave the consent…and you can’t blame your parents for that…because regardless of all their pressure…you always had the option to be equally stubborn, put your foot down and say NO!

Thankyou greatly appreaciate your post. Communication doesn’t work in my family because we end up yelling at one another, or it comes down to poor us if only if we had a son, things would not be this way. I spent the whole of last year being on the verge of suicide but the only thing in my way was that who would take care of my parents. It came to the fact when I told them that rather then support and comfort me through my divorce they were too busy saying it happens every one makes mistakes, everyone we know has a child who is divorced (HELLO I AM NOT HERE TO MAKE A FASHION STATEMENT PEOPLE). I feel that they will always talk negatively about anyone that i come close to with the fear of that they are losing me. I guess naturally i am the marrying type i always thought that i would marry early and end up with a huge family. Now that i know that my parents will not be happy with this i have told myself fine my first duty lies to my parents so i will look after them first and not get married. This was difficult espacially when all my clothes for my wedding are in my room and I look at them and can’t wait to wear them. I used to cry when i hear that girls that i went to school with have 3 or four children. When I told my mum that that was the case i think she was relieved, she said that “ajj kal kay zamanay mai to ghar hi beti rahay to bethar hai” and she told everyone in the social group that “meri beti to ub shaadi kerna hi nahi chaati”. I feel frustrated, because i want someone to tell me its okay, what happened in the past was in the past and the future will be better but it does not seem like it. When i approached my mom the very first time just asking that why are you doing my rishta here when you can clearly see that we are not compatible in any way or form. One of the things she said was “have you ever thought about what is going to happen to us.” I can forgive them about picking the wrong guy thats fine as i have been told over and over it can happen to anyone. But I have trouble forgetting all the things that were said to me by my parents, although they were said in emotional circumstances when they thought that they were doing the right thing, they hurt they really hurt…

I’m sorry about everything that’s happened and how your parents say one thing and then another. HUGS!

I’m still single as well and I have friends that are married and have 1, 2, babies; they got married pretty early. Everyone’s kismat is different and I have hope, InshaAllah things in my life will fall into place. I think your mom is saying that “it’s better for girls to stay at home and be single” because deep down that’s her way of trying to escape from the mistake that she and your dad made because they’re guilty. Its easy to justify the outcomes of your mistakes by making silly generalizations and excuses…BUT it takes COURAGE to admit that you are wrong and then take the steps to do what is right. And your parents aren’t doing that. You might find a guy who will be a great son-in-law to your parents and will support and take care of them. Please b honest with your parents. Tell them that you WANT to get married and have a family of your own. It’s zulm for your mom to go around telling everyone that you don’t want to get married…because she never bothered to ask you how u feel.

I understand that you are introverted, but next time you are at a gathering or function, just give some of your friends (or girls your age) HINTS that you are looking to get married and that they should keep their EYES OPEN for a good guy fo ya. Have you tried talking to sincere relatives that can help you find a good rishta, perhaps some sincere aunts or cousins? Or maybe matrimonial sites? If your parents are not making the effort for a rishta search, then you’ll have to start on your own. MashaAllah your parents are so lucky to have such a loving and dutiful daughter in you. I only wish they would try to understand you. You can devote your whole life to looking after your parents…but what about you? Your natural needs? When your parents leave this world…who will you have of your own to fall back on? I understand that in your family it’s hard to communicate about issues because it results in fights. BUT at least make it clear to your parents that you want to get married. And if they refuse…what would happen if you were to say, “Okay, fine, if you refuse, then understand that I’ve supported you both because I love you. And i like most women have the desire to get married. And if u can’t show understanding/sensitivity toward that after what I was put through in the first place, then perhaps I should just leave and live on my own.” What would happen then? Some parents surrender to their children’s desperation. Maybe you should act like you’re not going to eat because of severe depressiona…and that’ll make them wake up and realize that you’re SERIOUS about getting married. I’ve seen kids PLAY DRAMAS of their own to get their parents to surrender. I’m not sure if that’s the best siolution…but can it hurt to try it out?

After all, you are the only daughter…wouldn’t they get upset if you “stoped eating” “started whithering away” “decided to move out”? It could make them melt and give in, who knows? Sometimes a little emotional blackmail of your own can help:) The only difference between your blackmail and your parents is that you’re doing it for good reason Just think about it. I’ll keep you in my prayers!