Mothers want the best for their children no doubt.
But they are stuck in the Hindu/cultural traditions!!! Even if I mention these things to my mother, she’ll just ignore them saying it’s about khushie, what will family say..etc
Mayoon, mehndi and all other rasams are just bakwas IMO.
So is making the couple sit on a stage for all to take pictures and what not.
don’t worry about my future wife, she’ll listen to me.
Here is what I suggested to my mother: nikkah at a masjid and small valima for close family and close friends (with strict parda).. You know what she said, “PAGAL HOGYA HAI YE” :o
I’m not posting this to get your views on these rasams but to see how can I get my mother to accept this khawaish of mine.
I get where you're coming from. I too wanted the simplest of nikahs and valimas as that is all that's required Islamically.
But I ended up having a small mangni and mehndi as well, thrown by my mom and bhabi respectively. I didn't feel right about it but my mom and bhabi really wanted to do this for me and I would have felt worse about hurting them, so I agreed. There were also a small celebrations at a friend's houses, but that was an all girls thing where we all got to dress up and have some fun.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of noise and splendor. There's nothing wrong with it Islamically as Allah WANTS us to celebrate this joyous occasion so long as we don't go overboard in our attempts.
And that's what you're going to have to explain calmly to your mom. That excess is not good and a wedding, while a happy and festive time, is also a very serious occasion that should be marked by some solemnity and dignity. Like I said, try to compromise. Perhaps have an engagement party without all the rasms which are really part of Hindu traditions and don't have any place in Islam. Just a celebration with family, friends and some food. The men can have one part of the house (or hall, if space is an issue) and the women on the other.
Try to compromise on the smaller points (e.g. photos, a stage for the bride to sit where the groom will join her temporarily for the nikah and a few photos), but stay firm on the big stuff (e.g. keeping the men and women separate).
And also, it IS possible to have an awesome wedding while observing Purdah. Just ask any of your Egyptian or Saudi friends. They know how to party very well with women on one side and men on the other.
One more thing...try to understand where your mom is coming from. She loves YOU best...she wants to do everything in her power to make sure you have what you want. But know this...if she agrees to do what you want (simple nikah at masjid, small valimah), the people in her life will most likely drive her nuts with years of "why did you have such a small shaadi for your son" or "why weren't we invited to the valima" or "why did you do XYZ" or "couldn't you afford to rent out a hall for the valima...is that why you kept it small?" One poor auntie I know had the absolute nerve to serve the most excellent French food I've ever tasted for her son's valima FIFTEEN YEARS AGO because the son apparently was a fan of French food and Aunty wanted to try something different and people STILL go up to her and remind her how "it didn't really feel like a shadi because there was no biryani." So that's the mindset your mom is dealing with.
I am of the same mind CP. I think I got my mom to compromise on the fact that they can have all of these things I just don't need to be there. I am not so sure if I was tricked or not.
This is the same thing I’m trying to get through my parents. Nikkah at a masjid and dinner with family members, no crazy jahaz or that thing where you steal the grooms shoe (). But while I was talking to her, I realized this is my own dream, while she has her own dreams for her last daughter. So my point is you have to compromise, no matter what, so talk to your mom in-depth and meet her somewhere in the middle.
my cousin did that.. she had a very nice small nikah at the masjid.. where all the men were invited to the masgid and female were at home. They had a nice small cermony in their garden and had a nice conservative valima a few weeks later.. She insisted on her wishes and her parents had to give in.. lucky for her .. her inlaws felt very happy about it as well.
How islamic are you OP. I GUESS if you were a proper practisiing muslim, with the beard and all, some people including mothers automatically assume you would want a islamic ceremoney as you mentioned...however if none of your personality comes across this way, and you dont really show in your daily life to be leading an examplary islamic life then of course your mother will be horrified...are you wanting an islamic marriage due to costs down or because you really are islamic......
i say this because-my cousin is a miser.doesnt spend a penny. had lots of girlsfriends, does whatever, doesnt read namaz or keep rozey because he gets headaches etc etc..anyway time for marriege and suddenlyi want islamic style small wedding no men and women in same room etc came about...his mum as well as most people were shocked....anyway-cut the story..found oput after wedding, he only said it cos he was a stingy *** and wanted to spend as less as poss, and usedislam` as a means to do that...still makes me angry thinking about it.....
CRICKETPLAYA-if your mum knows you, and knows ow you are, im sure she knows what kind of wedding you would want. if however she doesnt know that, and your khwaish has only taken heed now, then i doubt any emotionally rocked story about islam will move her...:]
On a scale of 10, I think I pass as barely a 1/10 Islamic. Some people though, they call me jihadist and islamist.
Anyways, I know what you’re trying to say but you have not really seen other live examples out there except for your cousin. Trust me, it’s hard to bring about a change in the family. To break their cultural traditions and move towards an Islamic lifestyle is not a walk in the park. I have friends who have gone through this, one is a student becoming an Alim and his wife becoming an Alima mash’Allah.. Guess what, everything was nice and all but both of them had to compromise on the pictures part. At the end of the ceremony/dinner they setup a stage and when most guests left, the dulha sat with the wife/family took pics..etc and if you asked me how “islamic” are they? I’ll tell you very. They were against it but their mothers..well you know the deal. That’s just one example. Goto Pakistan and you’ll see what its like. Even strict families keep on carrying their cultural baggage. There will be pardah but people are still celebrating all other rasams. etc.. And my mom knows me very well..! She like every other Pakistani mother out there doesn’t see it yet because all her life all she saw were these rasams. Obviously at this age she will be very hesitant to change.
have you tried telling her that all this stuff is hinduana?
what does she say to that?
have you tried showing her some of your youtube and sunnipath.com cut and pastes that you flood the forums with? or is that only for annoying random strangers?
its a waste of money, time and energy. tell her to give you that money instead.
ps. we dont even dance like hindu-sikhs but still we like to celebrate like them. in pakistani community bunch of girls and guys will agree to dance and the entire pakistani crowd would stare at them whereas if you see hindu-sikh weddings entire family is dancing and having fun.
so either entire family is involved and have fun and money spending in booking the entire hall worth something or either just do the ceremony either at home or just stick to nikkah at mosque and reception (inviting close friends).
Ok the underlying motive is not to make YOU happy but to have a party atmosphere as such . As Pakistani society we never looked into discovering any 'halal' alternative to hindu traditions our forefathers being following . We ranked them as part of our traditions , which I think is not correct .
So yea , find her alternative , and then tell her not to do it .
^ No its just being lazy . Use some brain and find some other festivities that your family can enjoy . How about ‘naat competition’ or ‘Kiraat competition’ between couples . Or may be ‘new couple gona cook for all’ . . . something more constructive .
Ok I think we need to do some serious brainstorming about it .
Even if I mention these things to my mother, she’ll just ignore them saying it’s about khushie, what will family say..etc
queer.