How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

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These are sensitive topics, but ones that must be discussed before the wedding. Do you guys have advice on how to approach them?

By discussing I mean sitting down and going over the clauses in the Nikkah Nama contract and making sure both partners are aware of what they are signing.

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That's a very good question. I hadn't thought about it before, but I would suggest asking for an appointment with the Imam who is performing the ceremony. Both sides could then sit down with him to discuss it and to lay out the terms of the mahr. You could even ask the Imam his thoughts on a reasonable mahr...that way, you can prevent future arguments by saying "hey, it's what the Imam believes is Islamically reasonable."

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

Yeah but most Imams are chauvinistic and unreasonable... I really want to discuss it openly and comfortably with my fiance without the whole formalities....

so hard.

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

I think that is done by both the bride and groom's fathers. They discuss the meher and any other clauses they want to keep or delete in the nikkahnama.

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

My dad set the Mehr for 10,000 rupees. I didn't know about it until a week or so afterwards. I joke with my fiance, that my dad meant to put an extra two zeros at the end :-)
So I think that's whats done most of the time (the parents setting the terms). If you have any special requests, you could ask your parents to add it in on your behalf.
If you'd prefer to discuss it yourself, I'd mention your preferences and ideas to your parents/elders for their advice first, then go ahead and tell your fiance. It's nothing to be shy or reserved about. It's just a process of the marraige and it's your Islamic right to ask for whatever you think is reasonable.

As for the actual part about going over it with your in-laws, I don't know how it usually works. At mine my dad literally just gave the requests on the day of the nikah.
But in my opinion, if you want to discuss it with them beforehand, invite them over to your house and then have an informal dinner afterwards. And I think it'd be best to clearly explain any terms you want to your parents, and have them represent you. You could be around though if anyone's got questions etc. The word "wakeel" afterall is used for a lawyer, your parents are your wakeel, and they can represent you accordingly ;-)

Good luck!

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

The girl NEEDS to agree to the mehr because it's her Islamic right. Either you can come up with the number yourself or if someone else comes up with it (like mom or dad) they must consult you before it's in the nikkah nama. The best thing for me was to speak to my husband about it directly. If you are comfortable enough with your fiance, then speak to him otherwise speak to your parents.

Some people follow the shariah but that doesnt mean you have to. My inlaws wanted us to write down what the minimum acceptable amount was by shariah... I wasn't gonna have any of that specially if you dont follow other shariah laws (such as go to the brides home and only do nikkah, make sure she doenst get jahez, dont eat there and only the grooms family spends money on an event which is valima) if you dont follow all those rules please dont say stupid things like we follow shariah when it comes to mehr. My family is the complete opposite and has ridic amounts in mehr.

Both traditions, his family and mine were unacceptable to me so I chose what I thought was reasonable and spoke to my family and my husband about it.

Mehr should be decided before the actual nikkah because many families are very sensitive to the issue and you don't want it getting ugly during the ceremony.

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

^my case was exactly the same. i chose the middle ground myself, and discussed with my hubby and that was that.

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With all respect, the shariah doesn't say stuff like that :-(
I think you're confusing it with culture
In fact, the bride can ask for any amount or terms she wants. It's just suggested that she doesn't give an amount she knows she'll never get (for example a billion dollars when her husband only earns less than a 100k income or whatever)
and the minimum mehr is only to assure that the bride gets at least SOMETHING, especially if she's marrying into a poor family.
Sorry to derail the thread. It just hurts when people confuse Islam with culture. Unfortunately many people do the dumbest things and claim it's cuz of Islam. (come on, why do people say you can't eat anything at the bride's house? What's islamic or unislamic about that?)
Much love,
druggist

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

^Firstly as far as I know it is in pakistani culture that we have mehndi, baraat, valima, jahez, bari. So no I am not confusing shariah with paki culture. No where in Islam or shariah does it say that the brides side has to give jahez or do a huge event (baraat/rukhsati) and pay for food, decor, hall etc for everyone. As far as I know nikkah and valima are the only requirements as far as Islam is concerned, not our culture. Great for your fiance if hes an imam?

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

^
Sumorani, how did you bring it up with your fiance? We both have a really great relationship and talk about everything, but I can't bring myself to discuss money matters because I fear coming off like some kind of scheming bahu....

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

you have to have a meher right?

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

Yes, but how do you discuss the exact amount and all... Tell me how to bring the topic up with my fiance.

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

^ "honey, can we discuss the meher and the nikah nama? i think its important that we that we talk about it first before the whole family gets involved."

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

My mahr was set by my husband and myself, we discussed it and agreed upon it and then told our parents and they were cool with it. I dont think its anything the parents should decide by themselves without consulting the bride herself, as the mahr is the gift from the groom to her, so she has a right to have a say in it and there is no shame in her asking for what she wants

The only thing I think needs to be kept in mind is:
1. The mahr should not be a burden on the groom, the bride should be considerate and sensitive of what he can or cannot afford. There is more blessing in a mahr that is easier for the groom to pay and does not put a burden or debt on him
2. The mahr should actually be paid to the bride. Some people put huge amounts because they think it looks impressive or something and then the bride never even sees one cent of this. Better to have a smaller mahr that is actually paid, than to put hundreds of thousands of dollars just for show

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^agreed!

saratem, you can simply say to your fiance that you were looking at the nikkahnama papers and there is a section in there about mahr and hence you wanna figure out what to put in there. ask him what he thinks is affordable for him and then decide based on that.

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Re: How to discuss Nikkah Nama and Mehr with fiance/inlaws?

thanks bride2b... that's a really good idea.

My parents are on my case about how the elders should do all this but I hate that approach... Apparently I am being too "forward" by bringing this up.

What nonsense.