She will turn 4, no I dont believe its just a stage and it will get better and it doesn’t has to do with the new baby and not getting enough attention, sometimes I feel she gets more than the newborn.
If she is naughty, and I get angry or sometimes I kind of slap her slightly to show my anger, (not to often only once in a while) she will start crying and I will feel guilty even though quite angry and I will give in or let it go. She will start making a sad face even if I rise my voice and come to hug me to get attention.
If I try it in a nice way, like tell her lets be nice and listen to me, she will not take me seriously and the result will not be accomplished both ways.
I am tired of trying different ways, otherwise she is a total angel when she is not having her “my way” fits. But these fits are ennoying as hell and rob all my energy and my moods gets bad. But I still love her and want to make it easier for both of us.
Re: How to discipline a child (becoming difficult)
Saadia, the secret key here is consistency and structure. Make a daily schedule - breakfast, brush teeth,wash up, get dressed. Play, do some reading, have a snack. etc etc. Write it down and stick to it like GLUE. If she does something wrong, use time-out or loss of toy/privelege and use it CONSISTENTLY. NEVER tell yourself well, she's had a tough day, I'll let it slide this time. See yourself to be as rigid as a steel rod. Write down the schedule and the rules and never, ever vary from them for ANY reason.
You will be truly amazed at how quickly she turns into an angel. I had this situation with my youngest and he turned around in less than a week. After a month or so, I loosened up just a little and the bad behaviors started up again. So I got out my schedule and rules and re-stuck them and he like a little soldier straighted right up again.
You hear this from all the experts - that structure and consistency are SO important. Inever took that so truly seriously until I saw the amazing impact that these things had on my little.
Saadia - slapping no no. She is only going to mimic your behavior.
give her consequences and stick with it. Take away her favorite activity. Time out etc
Be consistent with your appraoch. It will not work if you give her mixed messages.
She has to know her limits and boundaries. It's not going to happen in a day but she once she know what mama likes and does not like - she'll comply.
I know slapping is a no no .. but I get so annoyed with ther fits, my ammi never hit us and I don't want to be a bad mommy but don't want her to take advantage of my goodness, can you understand what I mean. sigh
Its hard to say lets stick to a routine, she loves going to her kindergarden (nursary) but sometimes will not brush her teeth or goto the toilet when its time for bed, I tell her if you dont then we will not go to KG tomorrow, this works sometimes and sometimes it doesnt.
Take away her favorite activity (toy) she will cry till I give in and she is very stubborn she WILL cry till I give in!
We do have a set of boundaries but lately she is calling me stuff like stupid cat, I think she has learned a new word in KG.
The thing is maybe she is jealous that I am giving time to the baby, but I have to feed her and look after her as I did to her when she was small.
Don't know its so hard, I have tried different methods but when its gotta be her way it gotta be her way!
I think your daughter may need some alone time with you, without the baby…a couple of hours, just the both of you lying down on her bed, reading, or watching her favorite show, with you telling her how much you love her and need her to help out.
My older one was 3.5 yrs old when choti came along and she went through a couple of weeks of extreme insecurity. She would hide and cry cry cry or she would howl for attention and throw tantrums. I too felt like I was giving her enough time but I guess she needed just a bit more.
A couple weeks and she was the nicest big sister. She just needed reassurance.
Re: How to discipline a child (becoming difficult)
Saadia, I agree with Niksik. Give her special time just for her and her mom.
But also...you ARE giving in to her it sounds like. and she knows it. She may have to increase the level of her tantrums to get what she wants but she HAS learned that tantrums get the desired result. I didnt want to beleive that of my youngest either...but when I got to the end of my rope, I decidied to stick to the given advice.
Never threaten a punishment that you cannot follow up on (ie, "no school tomorrow). If you threaten something, and compliance does not occur then you MUST follow thru with the punishment. SO only threaten with things that you will carry thru with. The longer that you let this go on, the longer and louder the tantrums can become. So yeah, let her scream and cry, make sure she's in a safe spot and doesnt get hurt. Otherwise, let her rage on and DONT GIVE IN. This will be the best gift you can ever give yourself.
My younges4t used to run the entire household. He'd scream, kick and try to bite me for trying to change his diaper. Demanded treats and snacks NOW. The threat of one of his tantrums had everyone, even his brothers - on edge. So all of us caved and gave him what he wanted. And the tantrums and threats of tantrums continued.
It was like a super-nanny episode when we turned the tables and changed things. It took less than a week. It was a LOOOOOOOOOOONG week for sure but its been over 2 years now and he's still a compliant angel with only a rare meltdown - an those are when he isnt feeling well.
Give yourself the gift. Suffer endlessly for a week and then have peace in your house!
Re: How to discipline a child (becoming difficult)
Congrats Saadia. I remember when you were just a little girl yourself!! Masha-Allah you are now the mother of two!
Along with the great advice that you have read in this thread I would encourage you to allow the "big sis" to participate in some of the care-giving for the newborn.
Noor had a tough time in the beginning when my nephew was born as they were living with us. She didn't act out as much but she did become stubborn and resistant when asked to do something. So her aggression wasn't so much directed at the new baby but it was there in her own actions towards other things.
Let her help you with tasks that she can manage. Let her know that the arrival of the little one has helped to move her up the ranks and that with the added respect she will get she must also take on added responsibility. She may enjoy the idea more than you expect.
Re: How to discipline a child (becoming difficult)
Thanks all.
Nicksik: I think I am beginning to see that maybe she needs more of my time and reassurance that I still love her as much as before. Maybe its her way of saying she is not satisfied and needs time only for her.
MamaOf3 I try to be consistent but it can be hard with a newborn, who will cry if I cannot attent to her. BUt I get ur point and will try it, I dont want her to cry and cry for hours as it is torturing for me too, I hope it will not be necessary.
Muzna, thank you ah you remember when I visited you, single and carefree at that time.
Infact she is my assistant when I am going diaper changes, she takes out the diaper, the powder and the diaper bag out the drawer for me, she knows she is a big sis and loves it, its her anger towards me as she feels that I am not her mama anymore, as she sometimes tells me, "she wants her mama" and comes to hug me, mostly at times when I am standing the kitchen or doing some chore.
I see her eyes when I am feeding the baby, she is feeling left out, I know its not a nice feeling to feel left out but what can I do at that moment. Its easier if her father is at home, he keeps her busy, its when he has his business trips and we are home alone for few days that she gets bored at home during evenings and seeks my attention.
Never the less she loves her little sister and if she cries she will be the first one to get there to assure her and calls me out lout. She hugs her and sometimes shakes her holding her tummy in such a wierd way that one cannot help but laughing.
Maybe we should just give it more time and her attitude is the reason that she feels behind and is seeking attention by being naugty. I hope things will get better I will try to follow some of the tips here. thanks
Re: How to discipline a child (becoming difficult)
oh gosh Saadia, it's as if this topic is telling my lifestory right now :( sigh
I am trying some of the tips told here, but I am with my parents right now...and gosh even when I am very firm on an action...for example, if he is acting up/throwing tantrum, i tell him firmly about his behavior and not to do it...and that if it continues, his consequence.....it seems to be working when its just us....BUTTTTT nana/naani without fail try to come to his rescue even though i have told them a gazillion times not to do it.....they r getting better but no there yet. Grr. Inshallah in 2-3 weeks we will have moved into our new place...and hopefully i can work on him some more. I do make sure to have 1 on 1 time with him when choti is sleeping and he really seems to like that....like reading a book, or learning or whatever it is......
Re: How to discipline a child (becoming difficult)
Whenever one of my 3 were acting up, it always and without fail was because I was inconsistent with them. More mommy time, less mommy time - none of that had a real impact in their behavior. But very clear guidelines on behavior and very consistent discipline (time-out or loss of toy) never failed to turn them around.
If you watch a few episodes of Super Nanny, you can see some real "monsters" lol...but they too, turn around very quickly.
Re: How to discipline a child (becoming difficult)
Oh we too have a Super Nanny show in German TV here and I somehow don't like the nanny, but those kids and parents, I wonder if they are for real, its scary.
Afro-sheen, we both have the same experience with our kids are almost the same age group. Of course its not easy if the grandparents try to interfere with the mom's upbringing.
I can say with these great tips here, my daughter is much better now. It was coz she was not getting enough attention from me as I was too busy with the new baby, so she acted like that, right now its good again Thank God, we both have our time now, like I play with her stuff when the baby is sleeping and hug her more and assure her that she is still my little baby even though she is an elder sis.
Hope things get better with you too.
First answer this then I will answer your question.
