Help please. This is by someone very close to me, I wasn’t supposed to read it. I don’t know how to help her.
all i want is for someone to sit down with me and tell
me im normal- that im pretty enough, smart enough,
thin enough, that they love me enough. one person
tells me to eat, and dosent understand when i cant-
how can i? i look in the mirror and see someone huge,
someone fat. im working so hard to be someone better,
but its like no matter how hard i try, i cant be her.
i see someone else in my mind, and someone else in the
mirror… the third looks at
pictures of skinny girls and tells me if she had the
guts, she would eat tissue paper all day to be skinny
too. how can i ask you to help me out when u too are
digging your own grave?
maybe im
making too big a deal out of this, yet frustration is
building up inside of me- i want to burst, yet i have
to hold together, cause in my carefully scheduled,
pathetic life, i give myself five minutes to vent out
my frustration before its time to sleep, time to pray,
time to work out, time to study, and time to study,
and time to study all over again. so ill keep on doing
what im doing right now- cry inside, and in a dark
living room with no one else around, cry on the
outside too, while i scream and kick and rage inside,
but on the outside try to act all cool, cause he might
still be watching. rejection over and over again- i
crave for someone to understand me, to hold me and
tell me its all right- yet when i talk to you on the
phone you dont know ive been crying, when i see you in
the morning you dont know how much i was hurting the
night before. its like i have a splilt personality,
one second im okay with myself- see myself in the
mirror without cringing, yet the very next second, i
walk pass a mirror and glare at my reflection. i lift
up my shirt everymorning to see how much this huge
tumor growing out of my stomach has decreased in size,
then grow frustrated when its still the same size. i
step on the scale, and want to break it when i see the
numbers stagnant- …oh, my five minutes are up, and i
havent left myself anymore time to sit and scream like
i really want to
i shall
continue to walk by mirrors without looking at them,
continue to look at girls and rate myself as bigger or
smaller, compared to them, continue to slowly and
steadily kill my soul, as it seems like there’s no one
willing to save it.