This is a bit complicated so I’ll try to make it as basic as possible.
Basically, I come from quite a conservative family. They’re religious for the most part but there have been love marriages in the family before. I met a guy at uni and we want to get married. His family are cool with it, I’ve met them all and we get on well. They’ve been pressuring me to tell my family so I summoned up the courage and told my ammi about the guy. I thought she would murder me but she was okay with it. She said that she’ll check out the family and see what happens. This happened a few weeks ago and since then she’s been off with me. I understand that it came as a shock to her and I’m giving her space since I’m grateful that at least she didn’t flip at me. She said she won’t tell my dad or the rest of the family yet. Graduation is soon and she said she’ll meet them then but for now she does not want to contact them.
The other day, she sat me down and basically (in a nice way) told me to forget about him because rishtas like this don’t bring happiness to the family and that it’s a matter of ‘izzat’, what are people going to say when they find out you found a guy for yourself, what am I going to tell your dad, etc etc. It’s not the first time anyone has had a love marriage in the family, it’s become the norm. I’m so confused. She’s always wanted me to marry into the family because she says there’s no guarantee that I’ll be happy with some random outsider and that it’s not easy to trust strangers. I understand where she’s coming from especially since I’m an only child so she worries about me. But why is it that what other people think always comes first? At this point she wants nothing to do with his family and she wants me to move on. How the hell do you move on from a 2 year relationship so easily? I understand the religious perspective, but I’ve explained to her that I’ve never been alone with him or done anything ‘haram’. However, I feel that this mentality is so backward. I have close cousins saying yes to cousins they don’t want to marry just for the sake of keeping their parents happy, and they are so miserable. It’s not wrong that I don’t want the same for myself. I know I’ll be happy with him, we get along perfectly well and he’s like my best friend. If I wasn’t serious about him then no way in hell would I have told anyone about it.
I’ve convinced her to at least meet them and she half heartedly agreed. But I know she’ll meet them and come up with some excuse as to why she doesn’t like them. How do I convince her to become more open minded towards him and his family? I ain’t marrying some random cousin just to keep her happy because at the end of the day, I’M the one who has to spend the rest of my life with him.
A few weeks isn't long.. wait a bit and see if she changes.. who knows, maybe the meeting will go better than you think as well..
You'll have more chance of convincing her if you can get a few more people on your side too.. It's easy to get pushed into a corner when you're on your own..
Tell her to just tell ur dad k kisi nay rishta bataya hae Aur wo aana chah rahay haen. Or to just say k someone at ur uni has asked to come for rishta. What's the big deal in that. Ppl randomly also "pasand" someone for rishta without really having a relationship. And the whole world doesn't have to know about it. If he's a senior than that's even better and people will not necessarily think much of it. All u have to do is convince ur parents and the rest will follow through. Convince ur mom that it will not be as big of a deal as she's thinking, and that she can be discreet with ur dad to save him from his "family honor" feelings. Pray istikharah so that if it is meant to be and it's best for u then Allah will automatically make it easier for both of u.
If he is somehow friends with one of ur girlfriend's brothers then that's an easy way in. K ur friend's family has told u about the rishta because the guys side is interested. And make sure u ask them (guys family) to make no mention of u liking the guy even if they plan to say to ur parents that the guy saw u and likes u.
Tell the guy and his family to muster up some courage and visit your home in a proper way and ask for rishta directly. They don't have to tell your Father that both of you know each other for 2 years, they can say you were in the same class/university and the guy likes you and has asked them to get rishta.
If done in a proper way then at least your family will give it a serious thought. However, the result can be 50/50.
If you leave it to your Mother, she will just waste time or will reject them regardless of how they are. You say that you are the only child, so things should be bit easy for you, no?
Tell the guy and his family to muster up some courage and visit your home in a proper way and ask for rishta directly. They don't have to tell your Father that both of you know each other for 2 years, they can say you were in the same class/university and the guy likes you and has asked them to get rishta.
If done in a proper way then at least your family will give it a serious thought. However, the result can be 50/50.
If you leave it to your Mother, she will just waste time or will reject them regardless of how they are. You say that you are the only child, so things should be bit easy for you, no?
Being an only child makes things more difficult. They can come over once she meets them at graduation.
I can relate this to me. i did this way,told my mum the truth that one of my colleague likes me and after his concern i too started considering him. we had a mutual friend (though she wasn't involve,the guy talked to me directly but my dad used to know her/her name). mum said that the friend has told about some family and they want to come at our place for rishta, what should we do? should we call them,abu was like silent then after a week my mum said that his mother called formally and want to come ( though his mother spoke to me) abu said acha theek hai mil laity hain and then his mother called my mum a day before and then they came and later my dad took it as arrange marriage by asking people about the family and all.
My brothers know the entire story though.
Good luck!
keeping hope high will work insha'Allah
My thoughts are the same as Eku posted , however instead of saying the guy likes you and hence this rishta. Simply omit all that. Just ask them to say this family was recommended by one of the sources. Assure your mother, this is not a love affair kind of wedding. Tell her you are involving her to ensure this is an arranged marriage setting.
I think when parents become over protective , specially mothers , you need to unwind her bit by bit . Take baby steps. Start by telling her, you want her to meet the family and then you both can decide what to do next. If she is not in the mood to meet them. Then dont involve her. Do you have any close family friends like a khala or someone you can trust? speak to her in utmost confidence and get her to ask the larkai walai to come visit your family and that way your father will be told that its a rishta recommended by your khala or whoever.
Meeting is the first point of contact. Everything else comes after this.
*Tell the guy and his family to muster up some courage and visit your home in a proper way and ask for rishta directly. They don't have to tell your Father that both of you know each other for 2 years, they can say you were in the same class/university and the guy likes you and has asked them to get rishta. *
If done in a proper way then at least your family will give it a serious thought. However, the result can be 50/50.
If you leave it to your Mother, she will just waste time or will reject them regardless of how they are. You say that you are the only child, so things should be bit easy for you, no?