How to combat this uncertainty

Lifestyle Relationships
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Is there ever a time, a prospect, a situation where you don’t have any confusion whatsoever and can gladly and happily give your approval for a rishta?

I feel however many times i have come to a point where the proposal seems to be progressing a bit too fast for my taste, i feel very uncertain, nervous…get cold feet and literally am in a panic mode. Is that only me or is that very natural?

Its after all your life’s decision and with what we see happening around us, its so hard to trust people. I pray for a proposal where I don’t have to think too much or worry too much :(.

Please keep me in your prayers!

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

You know what either way it's not end of this world. Some decision is better than none.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

True but if u make a wrong decision, most likely you wl have to live with it all your life.

To be honest, I am quite conservative and old fashioned in some ways but I still feel one shouldn't jut marry just for the sake of having that label with you cuz hey, its your age to get married! If you know what I mean...but then a part of me thinks that its just how I am ...very cautious of what I do, my decisions and no matter when I make my decision, its always gonna be hard one. Lol.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

Oh yea I can see that you are not a spontaneous person and must be very boring :D

Kidding ...

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

^ LOL. I rather be "boring" but safe :p.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

I am not quite sure what the answer to your question would be in an arranged marriage situation (because I presume that is the point of view from which you are asking) but for me, within the first few minutes of meeting hubby, I knew he was the one (not arranged). There was no cold feet, no second thoughts, absolutely nothing but certainty Allhamdullilah. If you are not 100% sure, do not proceed until you are comfortable.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

^ See this is what I tell my friend who is gonna be getting married and hers gonna be a love marriage. I tell her in love marriage its different, you know what you are getting into (Well atleast you think you do) hence there is no uncertainty.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

Ha….if love marriages didn't have uncertainty and weren't risky…..the divorce rate wouldn't be as high. Anyway….yes, what you're feeling is normal. I know women who dated for YEARS….yet freaked out the day before the wedding. Whether its love or arranged….just make sure have open discussions before and marry for the right reasons.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

Istikhara all the way. That's the answer to ur question.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

^ BUT I have heard Istikhara is also not always clear and once you have done it, you ought to follow it. Where is that kind of Imaan nowadays?! :(

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

Believe me I was trying to edit the "there is no uncertainty" with "there is usually quite less uncertainty" but gs has not been working properly for me :p.

But your point I do get and agree on with it!

My dilemma is if this rishtas goes there might be a time I may think I was better off with this. But God knows my uncertainties and confusion is not for trivial issues but its a genuine concern. I don't think you can leave everything to kismet at the end of the day.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

If istakhara comes positive but the person is not suitable in looks or education, what should u do??

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

Of course not. That's why you should not agree to marry anyone without getting to know them a little. Bring up your expectations/goals of marriage/future and DO YOUR BEST to make sure they're on the same page. Marry a man because you feel attracted to him and feel that he would make a good life partner for you. Use your head instead of your heart to make a decision. Most desi women I personally knew who screwed up in arranged marriages entered the marriage for reasons that were not good to begin with IMO (ie. they thought they were getting old and needed to say "yes" to the next guy; Family found a "good rishta" and they didn't have the backbone to say no to parents; Some guy they liked convinced them that they could be happily married despite there being major differences in their lifestyles/values etc.). While its good to get opinions from friends, family etc…..always remind yourself that it will be YOU who will be living with his man and building a life with him.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

I hope I can make some sense when I explain this.... U can't really NOT follow an istikharah. It's not interpreting a dream and deciding what to do. It's just letting things pan out and go towards a direction that is best for u (according to what Allah thinks is best for u). So basically u pray to Allah for that, to make what is best for u easy and accessible and take it away from u if it is not. And to replace it with something even better for u. That is the gist of the Arabic dua that u say in the istikhara prayer. So according to that, if it's good for u it will happen and if it's not it won't.

I can't tell u how many YEARS my stupid friend hung on to a stupid guy who was stringing her along. And she was so totally head over heels for him that she was scared to do the istikharah prayer out of fear that the answer would be no. And if u understand the concept of istikharah her take on it (very commonly believed by ppl, as u do too) was really just a waste of time. Fast forward 7 years from then (after a 7 year relationship with him plus 7 years break up gap till now), he's getting Married to someone else now like this week! And she's single and looking, wasted years of her prime and is having a hard time now finding a suitable guy. The point is, I think what was meant to be was still going to happen, but maybe if she'd done istikhara when at first her relationship hit a rocky patch she could've got out of it sooner.

So just make it easier for urself, I mean who better to ask than Allah, He knows every second of every minute of ur future and He knows what's best for u. We can only see things that are apparent (and even then not, case in point my friend, blinded by love) , and Allah sees everything, hidden or not, what is in our hearts, our niyyat, everything. So I dont think anyone else could make an as informed decision as Him. Ofcourse u should do ur bit of background check and compatibility check but leave the rest to Him. There's nothing else u can do, what He's willed is what will happen, might as well pray to Him for it to be good for u.

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

Thank you so very much :)) Really appreciate your help.

Yours taking out 2-3 mins of your time to help/guide me is perhaps one of the kindest gesture for me and something that has given me a totally new perspective for this situation. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you and request you to keep me in your prayers because I believe a dua out of a genuine heart can't go wrong.

Thanks again.

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How to combat this uncertainty

Sasha, I think you put it into really good perspective. Personally, I feel that if someone is certain in their actions and knows that that there will be very little said to convince them otherwise, then Isthikara isnt necessary because they may not even follow it. I don't agree with Isthikaras for rishtas because I believe people should be doing their homework and not blindly getting married for the wrong reasons. Like for example even if the poster's friend above had done the Ishtikara, and it came out not in the favor of the relationship would that have changed much? Would she have stopped seeing this person? I would assume others around her also told her the same thing, to drop the bad boyfriend. Sometimes things don't work out and either way I believe what is meant to be will be, Ishtikara or not. There are a few people who I know had that done but are suffering in these bad decisions even though Ishtikara came out as a yes. When it comes to purposals and relationships I think everything is very clear and obvious and we have been left with the task of making the right decision for our own lives. Its out responsibility to do the right thing but sometimes our emotions get in the way and ultimately that is one of the tests. I believe Islam is all about our own accountability. Not to take away from dua and prayer at all, but I believe dua and prayers are a guiding light and should be used with another thing god gave us which are our hearts and brains and the ability to think for ourselves based on what we see.
Op, If you think things move to fast or it doesn't feel right then you should voice it. Trust me, if your marrying for the right reasons you will know when it feels right. If your judging the situation for who the person is and how he will treat you I think you will know. That's my personal take and my personal experience. I never dated or anything I was always super shy and had even rejected the rishta that I am married to now but there was a chance encounter where my husband and I started talking again and after getting the chance to know him, there wasn't any uncertainty left. You will always have questions but maybe this is just me, but I would advise to follow and listen to your heart. You'll know when it feels right. I think no matter what you do, there will be uncertainty. Sometimes we can't always predict our future even when everything was said and done the right way based on all the good signs so I think that's what is sometimes meant to be and one of our "tests." You seem practical enough so I think Inshallah you will know when it is right but that doesn't mean it won't scare you. Someone once told me that if your goals and dreams don't scare you then they probably aren't big enough and I think it can also be put into perspective for relationships as long as you are getting into one for the right reasons. :)

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

Thank you all wonderful people, seriously you don't know how much you guys are helping me deal wit this frame of mind. I have only duas for you all :).

What you said makes perfect sense and I want to do same like you did, get to know the person and then give my commitment happily. But you know our society, they like jhat phat k commitments.

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How to combat this uncertainty

For sure! That's where you'll have to get some help from your parents end in talking with these families. My family in any of the rishtas with my cousins both guys and girls make it clear from the beginning that they prefer for the children to speak and take things at their own pace to get to know each other before the parents get too involved. It's always been like that for us and its never usually not worked in our favor. There was a girls family that wasn't necessarily okay with that since they were a bit on the conservative side and it never ended up going anywhere. The girls family came to dinner like four or five times but the girl would hardly talk to my cousin in her dads presence. So my khala asked for an email or something and I think they gave it but still she was to shy to speak to my cousin. Keep in mind this girl was a friend of mine, I never realized she was so conservative about rishtas and not talking to them. The girl nor her parents were comfortable with the kids talking and you know the only thing that happened was that the rishta didn't work out. And that's totally fine because you rather have the peace of mind from the beginning knowing that there's at least a little bit if commonality in your mentalities if the families are okay with their kids taking their own time. Its something mutually agreed. There will always be pressure but it depends on the communication I think. Just don't cave into the "peer" pressure. :)

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Re: How to combat this uncertainty

S and S I understand what ur saying but there are some parts I might be confused with, or maybe that’s just because of how I understand istikharah.

"1)If someone is certain in their actions and knows that that there will be very little said to convince them otherwise, then Isthikara isnt necessary because they may not even follow it …

Like for example even if the poster’s friend above had done the Ishtikara, and it came out not in the favor of the relationship would that have changed much? Would she have stopped seeing this person? …

2)There are a few people who I know had that done but are suffering in these bad decisions even though Ishtikara came out as a yes …

3)You will always have questions but maybe this is just me, but I would advise to follow and listen to your heart. You’ll know when it feels right."

Ok I’m replying on my phone so after a lot of trying to highlight and bold in the right places I’m just going to refer to the stuff above that I copy pasted.

  1. you say the person might not even follow the istikharah. Again I would like to say that istikharah is not something that can NOT be followed. Even if my friend would make an effort to cotinue the relationship it would not be able to continue due to circumstances beyond her control. (that’s still what happened because the guy just cut off, but she still waited and waited that he would come back to her, that this is just a phase). So I think if she had believed in istikharah and done it she would see that it’s not going to happen no matter how much she wants it.

  2. the istikharah coming out as a yes makes it sound like the dream interpretation thingie. That’s not what it’s supposed to be (necessarily). It can just be a feeling in ur heart that u feel u should say yes and that everything’s working in the positive direction. Or that u just have an unsettling feeling from the get go. Asking other ppl to do istikharah for u (especially ppl who have no connection to u or the situation, like some random maulvi) does not make sense. ( I’m also pasting an older post of mine after my reply here, maybe that will clarify on this.)
    Also, if the istikharah came out yes, as in u had the yes feeling or basically everything panned out and the marriage took place, then if u have a firm belief in the concept of Istikharah, u hae to understand that even if ur life has hardships now, in laws, finances, zaalim husband, divorce , whatever, u have to believe that this is somehow what was best for u. U have to believe that had this not happened u would be worse off or that some good will come out of this and this is what was best for u at that given time. For example that hardship may make u a better person, may bring u closer to Allah, u may play an important positive role in someone else’s life through this or whatever.

  3. you’re right on the feelings part because that does play into this. If u do istikharah and u get the yes feeling and everything works out then believe that it was a yes from Allah.

Im now going to paste older posts of mine.
"The general concept about istikhara is that we do it for 7 days and wait for some dream. I don’t know why that’s the most prevailing belief but that’s what I knew too for most of my life. But if we actually read the meaning of the dua we’d know that we’re asking Allah to make the task easier for us or make it happen if it is in our best interest in this life and the hereafter and to take it away from us if it is not. And to replace it with something better. So the thing is u can’t really “not listen” to what He guided u to do because if it’s not going to happen its not going to happen.

The following bits are off a website and I think it’s quite clarifying:

And we should not be impatient after our dua. We do not put Allah on a timetable. And we should not expect some sort of miracle, or a dream full of signs and symbols. These things are not necessary. We simply say our prayers and trust that Allah has heard us and will answer us in the way that is best.

(O Allah! I ask guidance from Your knowledge, And Power from Your Might and I ask for Your great blessings. You are capable and I am not. You know and I do not and You know the unseen. O Allah! If You know that this job is good for my religion and my subsistence and in my Hereafter–(or said: If it is better for my present and later needs)–Then You ordain it for me and make it easy for me to get, And then bless me in it, and if You know that this job is harmful to me In my religion and subsistence and in the Hereafter–(or said: If it is worse for my present and later needs)–Then keep it away from me and let me be away from it. And ordain for me whatever is good for me, And make me satisfied with it). The Prophet added that then the person should name (mention) his need.
Sahih Al-Bukhari – Book 21 Hadith 263

  • When making the dua, the actual matter or decision should be mentioned instead of the words “hathal-amra” (“this matter”).
    **What needs to be noted is that the answer to one’s istikhara prayer does not come simply in the form of dreams and feelings but in how Allah facilitates and unfolds events for an individual after he or she genuinely strives to do what is best."

Post number **2
"I forgot to answer the questions actually asked by OP.

I didn’t do Istikhara myself but my husband did it and my mom did it. The dua seems like the decision makers or the ppl who’s lives will be affected by the decision should be doing the istikhara. I don’t understand how someone else can ask Allah to tell them if this is right for u or not (because sometimes they dont want to tell that person the full reason for doing the istikharah, so its wierd.. It’s like ur shooting in the dark and hoping u hit the nail on the head).
Anyway both of them didn’t really wait for any signs, (or maybe my mom was waiting and then I gave her the above explanation of istikhara, as explained to me by my husband.) so basically we just believed that if everything went well and we continued to the point of marriage then that is what Allah had answered. And if it didn’t pan out (for whatever reason, his english wasnt good enough :), or his mom was pissing me off :), or i had too much debt :slight_smile: or my rotis weren’t round enough :slight_smile: )then that meant that that was our answer from Allah to the istikhara prayer.

How right was it? As right as Allah’s decision can be!
And then even if we got married and we were miserable it would still have to be the right decision because Allah willed it."

And this is the link to the whole thread

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/622200-istikhara-before-marriage.html#post9725239