Okay so this time its not me.
But what would you do as a sole earner, supporting your loved ones, when they keep getting in debt to meet their needs which are over the top. I have a friend whose mom keeps borrowing from people and he is forever in debt. By borrowing i mean in the thousands. He is close to a nervous breakdown cause he is thirty and well not able to get anywhere do to this.
How far do oblligations to your parents go.
Once again this is for a friend…
Re: How to approach
lol i think this is second time i read now …why do ppl say ..‘its not me’’ or its not about me’’ ..i personally think it IS about them 
warna why do u need to d oa disclaimer 
obligations go all the way to the end .. untill they pass away and once they pass away .. as a child of theirs its ur job to return ppplz debts / loans if they owe someone …and for this the parents are rewarded for leaving OBEDIENT children and chilren get reward for returnin pplz money ..
however, parents should take control that they should not be doing fazool kharchi and wasting money so they keep on borrwing money from children .. unlike the norm that parents leave money for kids ..
but Good luck .and inshaAllah you ll be rewarded ..even for helping ur parents ..
Re: How to approach
He should talk to his mother. If she has good reasons, they can budget the amount of money he makes. TELL her that he will not be able to pay off her debts and that she stops (if she can't make sure she pays them off).
If he doesn't have a very honest conversation with her, nothing will go anywhere and he will be forever in debt.
If he doesn't do anything now, well, he will suffer for the rest of his life.
Obviously make it all respectful, but honest and truthful.
Re: How to approach
I totally understand the eastern concept of taking care of parents financially. But we all are every bit as responsible for living within our means. I imagine this would likely be seen as rude but your friend needs to have a sit-down with his dad and outline a monthly budget that he can afford.
Who is at fault here? I mean, do your friend's parents know that they're bankrupting their son? Or does he indulge their over-the-top living without them knowing that they're bankrupting him?
Either way, he's got to face the issue before he ends up in the poorhouse.
I totally understand the eastern concept of taking care of parents financially. But we all are every bit as responsible for living within our means. I imagine this would likely be seen as rude but your friend needs to have a sit-down with his dad and outline a monthly budget that he can afford.
Who is at fault here? I mean, do your friend's parents know that they're bankrupting their son? Or does he indulge their over-the-top living without them knowing that they're bankrupting him?
Either way, he's got to face the issue before he ends up in the poorhouse.
Your right about what he should do and thass how it should be ..but end of the day ..if one believs in a hadith of the Prophet SAW .. that No man can even equal the debt his parents have on him through out his childhood and esp the mother who carries him/her for 9 months.. they go through hell just to bring u up and get u to a status where you are and its the duas of the elders that get u there .. yes personal effort is there but its not enuf without the blessings of the elder ..and now if you got a 50k job and u go tell ur parents that you need to cut down on your spendings .. i think thats really sad i d say ..
and secondly, just wanted to correct you .. that looking after ur parents in every way even financially ..is NOT an eastern concept ..its the ISLAMIC way.. what ISLAM teaches us.
Thank you.
ps. whats more greater and better, the happiness of your parents or the worldly life where one lil glitch that moneys running out .. ?
Thanks guys,
Its just that his mum is a bit of a player in the sense of telling her sob story and getting people to help her. She had been doing that to his dad until his death and now to him. He is the only son with one sister, but her just feels really really frsutrated and its getting to his health.
His mother is all about perception and appearences and hence needs to be on a whirlwind tour each six months and the poor guy has to cough up visa fees and ticket which he doesnt have so it ends up going to Credit Card.
Mothers sob story and constant blackmail of how she is having a mental breakdown and is a cancer patient in remission. So talking to her is difficult and well i am scared that he has no way out other than to jump off some bridge or something.
:(
mom keeps borrowing from people and he is forever in debt. By borrowing i mean in the thousands. He is close to a nervous breakdown cause he is thirty and well not able to get anywhere do to this.....
Why is she borrowing thousands of dollars from people?
Is he paying of her debts and she continues to borrow?
She does have an addiction to money ... he has no duty to support her or 'enable' her to continue as she is ....
Re: How to approach
Fbi, I know that care of parents are specifically mentioned in Islamic texts etc but the financial care of parents actually is an eastern concept, you see it in India and actually most countries that have no social security/retirement programs in place.
The attitude of "parents go thru hell to bring you up is hogwash!! Children are a blessing and a delight!! Parents should desire children...if they think children will put them thru hell well maybe they should re-think having them at all!!
Yes, it is a sad thing to have to tell a parent to cutback on spending! But if they're bankrupting you in the meantime, then it must be done. No parent in their right mind would want to bankrupt their child in order to provide them with a high living.
Yes, it is a sad thing to have to tell a parent to cutback on spending! But if they're bankrupting you in the meantime, then it must be done. No parent in their right mind would want to bankrupt their child in order to provide them with a high living.
Exactly. The mother sounds incredibly selfish.
Re: How to approach
zash, thats very sad! The mom needs to get a grip here. Credit card debt especially with the new laws can get very nasty. If he doesnt keep up with payments, he'll find the interest rate jacked up to 30 percent. They can take his house, his car, any possessions of value. AND...if this isnt sufficient to pay them off, they can garnish his paycheck meaning that they get his pay.
In such a situation, he wont even be able to provide 3 meals a day for mom and dad, let alone keep them living in high style.
Re: How to approach
This happens sometimes due to lack of communication than anything else. As MO3 said, no parents in their right mind would intentionally bankrupt their kids.
Sometimes what happens because guys just dont convey to their parents what their earning and expenses are, parents think that guy is making a fortune and because guy never tell them, they think that he will be able to provide such money without any problem for their Hi profile living.
Solution? Talk to them. Tell them how hard its for you to do all this....
Your right about what he should do and thass how it should be ..but end of the day ..if one believs in a hadith of the Prophet SAW .. that No man can even equal the debt his parents have on him through out his childhood and esp the mother who carries him/her for 9 months.. they go through hell just to bring u up and get u to a status where you are and its the duas of the elders that get u there .. yes personal effort is there but its not enuf without the blessings of the elder ..and now if you got a 50k job and u go tell ur parents that you need to cut down on your spendings .. i think thats really sad i d say ..
and secondly, just wanted to correct you .. that looking after ur parents in every way even financially ..is NOT an eastern concept ..its the ISLAMIC way.. what ISLAM teaches us.
Thank you. ps. whats more greater and better, the happiness of your parents or the worldly life where one lil glitch that moneys running out .. ?
so whats more greater and better for the parents and for the kids... to cut down on your worldly needs( yes, parents worldly needs... obiviously mother is not borrowing money and spending it on sadqa-e-jaariya) and not to run his son into living hell (or send him to hell after death if he is not able to pay his debt)..
p.s. i dont understand this islamic version of 'wa-soolii'.. . your parents didnt not do any ehsaan on you to bring you into this world....and if your mother carried you for 9months, it doesnot give her the right to use/abuse you whatever way she wants to through the rest of your life......
....
Re: How to approach
Zash,
I think your friend should just talk to his mom. I dont think she understands what the situation is or has gotten to. If she was told, she would know. She probably thinks he wont give her money, borrows and its his job to pay them back because he makes good money.
The solution: communicate with her.
Re: How to approach
FBI786, why are you bringing Islam into it?? Where in Islam does it state that spending ABOVE your means is acceptable??? Yes, you look after your parents BUT you have taken this out of context entirely!!!
Ofcourse this guy needs to talk to his mum and explain to her that he does not have the means to pay her debts etc if she is going to continue borrowing for stupid reasons (e.g. trips abroad)
Okay so this time its not me.
But what would you do as a sole earner, supporting your loved ones, when they keep getting in debt to meet their needs which are over the top. I have a friend whose mom keeps borrowing from people and he is forever in debt. By borrowing i mean in the thousands. He is close to a nervous breakdown cause he is thirty and well not able to get anywhere do to this.
How far do oblligations to your parents go.
Once again this is for a friend....
Zash, it all boils down to being FIRM. If a person is not going to set boundaries in a relationship and be FIRM about them, then all the advice in the world is not going to do them any good. They have to take the advice and put it into some practical action.
Debt brings an immense amount of stress in life and Islam advises against putting ourselves in this situation. Apart from the mental stress/health, financial problems also take their toll on relationships.
Talk to mom and ask her why she is borrowing money and putting them in debt. Explain to her that it's hard for him to pay the bills. Suggest tips to save money. Perhaps give mom a FIXED amount of money that she can spend and explain that this is the budget she needs to stay in. Come up with a budget plan with her. Suggest tips on saving money. Examples: Stores/brand names that are less expensive. TOGETHER, work on coming up with ways to save money. Example: Eating out less, buying foods that last a long time, etc.
^IN the even that mom is the kind who doesn't do well with "communicating" and will resort to emotional blackmail and givig guilt trips.......................try asking a trusted relative or family friend to INTERVENE and talk some sense to mom. If this does not work, then try the following more harsher methods:
If mom can't control herself, then maybe your friend needs to privately meet with all of mom's friends.....and explain that they are not to loan her any money. If Mom gets offended that the son is embarrassing her..........oh well....she brought it upon herself. If son needs to tell the auntis/uncles IN FRONT of the mom that they shouldn't loan any money to her.............SO BE IT!
From now on...........DO NOT PAY HER DEBTS! Even if the auntis and uncles demand their money back................do not pay the debts because SHE is the one who incurred them. Eventually your mom will hurt her own reputation within the community as nobody will trust her.................and maybe THEN, she'll snap out of it! Sometimes you have to teach lessons the hard way if showing patience hasn't worked.
But if the son himself.....is not going to stand up and be firm.......then he loses the right to complain and can just suffer the consequences. Whoever said that parents are perfect? It's unreasonable to think that parents can't make mistakes and that they should always be tolerated. Sitting passive makes you part of the problem. If you don't take active measures to rid yourself of the problem..................then you are a big part of the problem as well.
You do whatever it takes 1) Talk and come up with a plan with mom. 2) Get the help of relatives and family friends......a counselor........an imam. 3) Let people know that they shouldn't loan her money. 4) Do not pay her debts as that will give her the message that you will always be there to pay them off and that she can continue borrowing. 5) If need be............leave mom.......and have her live with someone else. Islam doesn't condone tolerating oppression and abuse even if it's from your own parents. Sometimes a harsh consequence jolts a person to their senses.
Okay so this time its not me.
But what would you do as a sole earner, supporting your loved ones, when they keep getting in debt to meet their needs which are over the top. I have a friend whose mom keeps borrowing from people and he is forever in debt. By borrowing i mean in the thousands. He is close to a nervous breakdown cause he is thirty and well not able to get anywhere do to this.
How far do oblligations to your parents go.
Once again this is for a friend....
I have a friend of a friend who had a diagnosis of having a shopping addiction. She spent money to make herself feel better (her father and cat both died within days of each other and she had other emotional issues). She had credit cards her husband did not know about and her spending was so out hand, that the couple (who have 2 kids) were at risk of losing their home. She also did not work so was not contributing to the household income.
She was admitted to a mental health clinic for treatment which included setting up a budget and giving her a set amount of money for her personal spending (above and beyond the cost of her daily living expenses).
She is held to the allocated amount of money - if she spends it at the beginning of the month - too bad, her loss. It's not been easy for this couple, but at least they've taken a step in the right direction by setting boundaries and holding her accountable.
Your friend sounds like an enabler - he needs to sit his mother down, tell her what he can afford to give and she needs to budget accordingly.
What if they say: My friend died. 
I think we should believe them then..
Re: How to approach
Not everyone is blessed with money and some people do need to borrow.
Unfortunately this is a habit for some and they take things granted.
People who have ability to earn and make a good living have to be very thankful.
Borrowing money for essential needs when someone is incapable of earning due to legit reason is alright. Just make sure to always return it as promised.
Mother should limit her expenses to essentials on other hand, and have her son make decisions how much to spend, if he is the one who is getting the responsibility.
In the end:
The obligations to parents are limitless. Period.
FBI786, why are you bringing Islam into it?? Where in Islam does it state that spending ABOVE your means is acceptable??? Yes, you look after your parents BUT you have taken this out of context entirely!!!
Oh its only acceptable for the guy's mother to do this, not for his wife. :)
Re: How to approach
That is ABSURD!
The only time I think one is obligated to help their parents or relatives financially is if their loved one can't afford even the basics (i.e. food, clothing, shelter).
Over-spending and getting yourself into debt...and then asking your son to help you out...in unacceptable. Does he have a wife? I wonder how she feels about this. If he doesn't have a wife, no woman would marry him knowing his mom is like that.