I have a dilemma here. I recently decided to change the path of my life by completely submitting myself to Allah (swt) and pulling away from almost all “worldy” pleasures. Being born and raised in a tough neighborhood in upper Jersey, I doubted religion for most of my life. I committed a lot of sins that I regret, but recent events have caused me to change my perspective mash’Allah se and I’ve never known greater inner peace, even though I am still just starting off on my road to redemption.
Now that you understand a bit more of where I’m coming from, I decided lately that marriage is something I’m ready for but I’m not sure of how to approach someone I’m interested in? I’ve read a lot of what the hadith Al-Bukhari has to say about it but most of it is difficult to apply to the modern era. Women have changed so much. For example, I can’t have my sister randomly approach a pretty girl and ask her to marry me, even I wouldn’t want that. Astaghferullah I’m so used to just going up to them and talking to them, but that’s not the method that Allah (swt) and Prophet Muhammad (saw) want for us.
My main question to you all is how can I inquire about a woman nowadays and then decide she somehow makes a decent candidate as my wife (insh’Allah) without freaking her out? Most women are so materialistic in today’s world and marriage is almost a dirty word.
No but on a serious note, get your ghar walay to talk to her ghar walay or approach her family yourself.
Well, where I live it's a huge community. What if the girl is alone or possibly not around family? I wouldn't wanna have to stalk her back to her parents.. lol...
There is nothing wrong in talking to girl yourself. Just be nice and do decent talk.
I do not think marriage is such a dirty word for girls. Nor they are so materialistic.
Just do not say what exactly you are going to do after marriage on first night. ;)
You ask around.. ‘Does anyone know this girl, she’s got black hair, 5"8, was wearing…’ Try and find out which uni she goes to or where she works so u can try and get her surname and work out who her family is.. You don’t have to stalk her right back to her parent’s house.. I was once in a similar situation but the guy got my name and address from my car number plate
If ur going down the Islamic route u need to get some info then head over to her dad’s house.. (Also, try and check her finger first if she’s desi cos obviously a lot of them get married or engaged a bit younger and last thing u need is a beating from a fiance/husband).
(Btw, I’m not totally sure but I think from a religious point of view u might be allowed to approach her to ask her for her wali’s number (esp if ur in a public place).. You’ll have to ask a scholar if it is defo allowed.. But then again that takes a lot of guts and even if she is attracted to u a lot of girls might think it’s a bit creepy and ‘too much’ and may not want to marry so soon.. let alone a stranger..)
I Think in today's modern era its fine Islamically to approach the girl yourself, just go and explain your desire and ask if you can go and meet her parents or family for that purpose1. If she will like you she would definitely respond positively.
Use your own instinct, if you think she is the one then she probably is the one, sent the rishta via an adult and get engaged, so as to get to know each other more it might work and it might not …. I think its more of a stranger talking about marriage, especially if its face to face, which will be the problem ….
Brotherman, just date. I don't see whats so sinful about getting to know a prospective partner. If you are interested in a lady, take her out for lunch/dinner, have a conversation, find out if your interests and way of life/thinking match and if there is a chance then you ask her if you could send your parents over to see her parents. I don't know if that is Shariah-compliant enough for you, but thats a fairly decent way to go about it as far as I can see.
I appreciate your advice, bro. But I’ve left all that dating stuff behind me. It’s not Shar’iah-compliant though, and I’m trying my best to follow in the footsteps of the only perfect creation of Allah (swt), the Prophet Muhammad (saw). While that would certainly make things easier, taking the easy way out is not always the best route
LOL. Yeah, I don’t wanna hurt my own self-image by feeling like I stalked someone. Jazak’Allah your advice was excellent though, thanks sis.
You guys are crackin me up, lool. But I don’t believe marriage is a dirty word at all, I simply meant to imply that that’s the growing trend for the past several years. To be honest, I’ve never been afraid of commitment, even at a young age (not that I’m old, only 26 ) But it is difficult.
Jafri, bro you are hilarious. I might have to put some of those up on my Facebook status
The advice you’ve all given me, every one of you, was very helpful, jazak’Allah. I don’t necessarily have my eyes on any particular individual yet, but it has been on my mind a lot lately and this information will surely help.
I dont think there is anything wrong with approaching someone yourself Leo.
Women get freaked out when men use pick up lines, give sleazy looks and are not open about their intentions.
There is nothing wrong with asking someone you might be interested in about herself and taking it from there. Unless you want to go about this in a completely arranged manner, thats what you have to work with.
It would be flattering for me if a guy took the proper route and asked for my hand.
Chupacabra, it is heartening to see how religiously inclined you are. A key benefit of having that information about people is, you can filter the ones you would avoid interacting with on the forums. Cheers to that.
well get your parents involved ,send a proposal to her home (like someone like a middle man)
and then u can even go ahead and arrange a meeting. Islam doesnt forbids you to meet someone u are marrying. Have a meeting or two and decide.and not to forget the istekhara.=]
) But it is difficult.
how r u sister, can i be ur mister