How should i react in this situation??

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I mentioned during the start of this year regarding my elder brother in law getting married and my insecurities.. I did mention about all the factors that made me upset.. However from all the advice I got I completely understood that it is not my family till im nikkafied so I tried to make sure it did not matter to me at all.. slowly it worked.

The girl was extremely nice to my in laws. loving them, love you texts, hugs, kisses, but she was really cold to me.. when I went on their nikkah to another city.. she barely spoke to me.. and kept my mother in law busy in herself too.. but I had by that time realized that I should not care about anyone but my fiancé.. because caring for others was really hurting me..

however a week back my mother in law called me over and told me that things were really bad between her and the girl.. after the nikkah her attitude changed,. she started being rude and moody.. she ignored that.. then she had requests of going abroad to shop for her wedding.. my MIL happily did that.. but none of it made any difference and now shes so upset that she can barely eat and has a lose stomach.. she made me read the messages..she is a liar and changes words.. she even used my references to my BIL which my MIL cleared as she was clearly using them in the wrong sense..

I kind of knew that this would happen.. but everyone constantly told me im insecure. now it has.. now what do I do? the way the girl is behaving.. I don’t know what its effects would be on my relationship with my fiancé after we are married ( she did make us fight a few times ) and previously we were very happy family..

I have been engaged for a long time and my relationship with my in laws is very good. they love me a lot and I love them back.. we have never had any arguments as they don’t interfere and are pretty logical. the introduction of this girl did bring some issues but they are now gone..

im just afraid of how this marriage would change things.. as its been only 6 months and they are not living together..

2

Re: How should i react in this situation??

Newbie, I would suggest you to stay away from this girl. Stay away as much as you can.
Staying away would help you avoiding a lot of misconceptions which may occur in future.

You should be really glad that even before you entered this house, your MIL has discovered the kind of girl she is. Let her deal with her, let her give her opinions about it, you should stay neutral. You are (at the moment) at most delicate stage of your relationship.

You should be listening to your MIL and also show the care with your words but don't go off limits, by off limits, I mean, extremely cursing her and all this and passing comments like, "han han main bhi yehi sochti thi" and this and that, NO!! Dont do that..

At this point of your relationship, I would recommend you to "suno sabki, but abhi tum chup raho" .

So dont worry and I think dont even discuss it with your fiance that your mom called and said this and that, you never know when they two talk to each other and the guy tells his mom that she (you) called me and told me that you called her and talked about bhabhi, (even as a general discussion) and there the MIL says, Hain, nahi nahin main ne ye nahin, Wo kaha tha, main nain aisa nahi, waisa discuss kia tha, so you know it will start creating misconceptions. Shadi se pehle too much talk with MIL is I would ask you to avoid, for your own betterment...

Its not I am saying that your MIL might be clever, NO, In fact what I am saying is, You know no one at the moment until you live with them.. living them is entirely different.

Filhal, focus on you two's relationship :)

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Re: How should i react in this situation??

Theres nothing you can do about her. All you can do is try your best to be there for ur in laws especially your mother in law because she is going through a painful time. Let ur SIL live with her hubby and keep things cordial but dont get too close. Unfortunately, this is a ghar ghar ki kahani. Many girls are terrible to their in laws but what can ben done? The only person who can control her is her hubby but most time even the hubbies are too blind or too weak to say anything. My heart goes out to ur MIL and FIL. And dont worry about your marriage, if your smart, you will never let her create misunderstandings and fights.

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Re: How should i react in this situation??

Your in-laws are now aware of what this girl is like, so they are not going to rush to believe/support her....even if she tries to create problems for you.

Keep a distance from her such as don't share your personal life or problems (especially marital problems) with her. Even if she shares things with you or opens up to you FIRST....don't share with her cuz she could use it against you. Don't discuss your in-laws with her....even if she is the first to give an opinion about them....as she could use it to her advantage. Do not say negative things about her to your MIL....even if MIL complains about her. Offer your support to MIL without complaining/backbiting about this girl. Don't act on her suggestions or rush to trust info she tells you.....confirm it with your husband/in-laws. If she tells you that your MIL or FIL or whoever said something bad about you....don't rush to believe/act on it. If she tries to put you down or point out your faults in front of your in-laws....don't argue with her; instead let her have the spotlight and center stage....she will only hurt her image with her cattiness; she has already lost respect and will only lose more if she doesn't shape up.

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Re: How should i react in this situation??

You've gotten good advice. I encourage you to remain sincere and positive in your interactions with her, without expecting or hoping for too much in return. Perhaps one day she will change. But just realize it is not in your control. Work on maintaining good relationships with the other family members.

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Re: How should i react in this situation??

Thank you everyone for the replies.. theyre very helpful. I am trying to stay hopeful and occasionally I have to make comments like yes u have loved her like a mother and all..

another thing that is bothering me is that.. the way she turned out. what if they think I will be the same way and beforehand they are different with me? I have known my MIL since 5 years.. and my MIL has known her since 7 months.. do you think that would matter?

me and my fiancé had a few fights over her.. and she had my fiancé convinced that she truly loves his family above everyone.. he even told me that she loves his mother a lot more than I do.. I told him that I love my mom because she gave birth to me and raised me.. this status can not ever be changed and if M(brothers wife) can do that.. then time will tell.. now I ask my fiancé that he said hurtful things to me and he never agrees that anyone was wrong with me.. he just says the time has passed. what does this mean? Does he realize????

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How should i react in this situation??

I'm not sure, either he knows he was wrong and instead of admitting it, he's brushing it off by saying time has passed meaning, it's done and over with now. It's really hard sometimes not to do this, but if you stay positive and not let the little things matter to you it will your relationship. Unless your hubby discusses it himself, you dont even need to bring her up. shes not your problem. You shouldn't be thinking about what you should do but rather how best to avoid her. They've seen how she is so that's all you needed from that. She's not a nice person and now it's out in the open. If you have to say something when your MIL, make it all positive things like "don't stress about her so much", "keep yourself happy", "you have a good family, everything will be okay in time" and encouraging things like that. You have a great relationship with them yourself so you don't have to worry. You can't control other peoples actions except for yourself. Let them deal with it, it's their problem and not yours and pretend if she doesn't exist.

I find that quite petty that over such a trivial issue such a you love your mother more than his, your fiancé got mad at you? She was able to say something so stupid and it worked. It only did because you let it. Don't give people so much power. I'm sure your fiancé loves his parents more than his inlaws to. What's the big deal with that, she gave birth to me isn't even an argument, it's blatantly obvious. I'm not sure but that abounded really silly to me. Avoid all topics about this girl, it's how she gets to you guys.

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Re: How should i react in this situation??

Do not let people like this invade your other relationships. Do not waste time discussing them or complaining about them or wondering about their behavior or trying to understand why they are behaving in deceitful and malicious ways. There is nothing you can do to control or change them, though you may think you can win them over with kindness and openness. They will change if and when they want to, and not before that. There's not anything you can do. Just work on building relationships with others that are not about this person. Try not to overthink things.