In light of recent threads about seeking relationship advice online…I want to know…
How many times have you been called to mediate a dysfunctional relationship between two people?
What was the relationship? (i.e. Husband/wife, DIL/MIL, SIL/SIL, Brother/Sister, etc.)
How did you manage the mediation? (i.e. in person? on the phone? one-on-one or group sessions?)
How did you gauge your success? (i.e. in spousal relationship the couple remained together and are happy, couple remained together but are unhappy, couple split up)
Do add whatever other information you feel is relevant to this subject/discussion.
Once. Husband and wife.
Managed in person and on the phone.
They remained together happily and went on to have a daughter and seem to be happy.
I would like to add though that usually whenever you come to mediate between a husband and wife, you end up maligned and everyone else goes home happy. It is a general view said by elders that husband and wife will be friendly at the end of the day and beech may anay wala phansay ga. I have experienced this to some extent too. Not sure how true it always is.
Not too long ago and it wasn't pleasant and it didn't help. The person's wife was having an affair with another married man, who once was my classmate and the husband wanted me & another mutual friend, to talk to him to end it. I was bit amazed at his request to mediate, and I was like, dude, just divorce and begin a new life. Eve, if she ends it now, how do you know she will not do it again, but he kept saying that he doesn't want a broken up marriage due to his kids. We went to this person and funnily enough, she was sitting in his office at that time. Seeing us, she left. So we talked to him and he starting coming up with excuses and I started loosing my temper. At one point, he says, she is not happy with her husband and I blurted, so whats your effing problem, if she is not. After that he just kept saying hmm, haaan, OK etc. Later, both changed jobs and moved out of city, and i don't know what happened.
Mediated many times, once between a husband/ wife, it worked out for a while and then they divorced. Between a mother and daughter as the mother wasn't agreeing to the groom her daughter had chosen, mom agreed and the daughter married. She is Ma Sha Allah very happy and the mom agrees it was the best choice too.
Recently between a husband and wife who are on the verge of divorce, doesn't seem to be working out so far. Brother sister too, didn't work out. That's all i can remember now. Mediation in all the cases were different, in a group, one on one and phone.
good stuff.......
I'm gonna wait for a few more days because I'd really like to see people who are very, very active in other "advice" threads. I'd really like to know if they have any "real life" experience.
I have mediated (along with my husband) between 2 couples, one engaged the other married..both were close friends in our social circle. The engaged couple did not heed our advice, and married....they eventually divorced because the issues that were apparent in during the engagement period magnified after marriage.
The married couple had inlaws/joint family issues. They took some of our advice, things got better, then worse, then better again, then worse and eventually the couple decided it would be best for all if they moved out and lived separately from his parents because the wife could not adjust with them. We tried to give advice that would stop that from happening because the guys father has a chronic illness and cannot work, and he is the only son. At the end of the day they made the decision that was best for their family but still tried to act on the advice given.
If there is a conflict I would rather just talk to the person I'm friends with. Analyze the issue and offer (unbiased) suggestion but at the end of the day, they are the ones who sort it out with their spouse and/or family. Sometimes all they need is venting though so I just listen. I haven't been involved in mediation.
While I have done little helping here, little helping there but I was asked for serious mediation b/w a couple (by wife and her brother) but it was too late by then and guy had already made his mind and talked to lawyer by then and I could not talk him out of it.
Unfortunately, wife did not have any relationship with anyone in ln-laws family (I was from her in-laws family too). She had no channel of commutation open with anyone and she contacted me as last resort (sort of mayday call). As per my assessment girl and her MIL behavior snowballed little issues over time but I'd hold husband responsible for not standing up, separating two and talking to both. He let the thing b/w wife and mom go on for too long. I just feel for the little girl that couple have.
I am never in favor of mediation...never had someone do it for me BUT I did once between a couple.
It was a friend. I went over to their house...just to listen. They called me because I was a good friend to her and he was trying to get through to her so assumed I'd be on his side.
From this experience I learned its always a bad idea to get involved...alwayssssssssssssssss. Eventually, I got tanay that I was out to destroy other couples since I wasn't married anymore despite me not advising them...just giving them the contact info of a very reputed marriage counselor in our community. Why not? Its a resource Alhumdulillah and you should exhaust ALL before calling it quits.
I never spoke to either party again...dimagh ka dahi ban gaya tha. Sara din phone pe rona dhona.