An issue I have been asked to post here by a member (who wishes to remain anonymous):
How much information should a person share with their spouse, before and/or after the wedding about his/her prior life??
If you have been in a prior relationship which amounted to more than just dating and are now interested in a person who lives in the same city as the ex- and even went to the same high school as the ex-, should you or should you not share this with this person?
He/She believes in bygones be bygones and is really interested in this person and doesn’t wanna lose him/her due to admission of some bad judgement and indiscretions.
I think you should get this off your chest if you're serious about spending rest of your life together with this person. If you choose to keep it under wraps, you'll be living your daily life with this person hoping that he/she 'll never find out and also wondering how he/she 'll react if he/she ever finds out. Plus, this will serve as a litmus test about this prospective spouse about how much he/she wants to listen and reason with you.
Its best to bring it out in bits and pieces and not all at once. If you have a past then you don't want to be an open book while the other doesn't say a word about themself.
I personally think you should show your cards by playing them right.
Jitna Diya Sarkar Nay Mujko, Itni Meri Auqat Nahi, Yeh Saab Tumhara Karam Hai Aqa, Mujh Mein Aisi Koi Baat Nahin.
It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.
I think that what a person is able to accept/listen to depends to a large extent on that person's maturity and personal sense of security and self worth, and not just on the ability to forgive.
If you are really concerned, you could gauge whether the person is open or not to receiving such information and then take it from there. You can use "test" questions to find this out. However, sometimes people say they are open to hearing things when infact they are not.
If I had a past, I probably would not reveal it, apart from the fact that I have had male friends and I am prone to mistakes. I wouldnt ask the person to reveal his either.
If I consider the islamic angle, from what I have read, one should NOT reveal their past if its not good, and should seek forgiveness for it. Then, if in the future it comes up that someone makes an accusation against you, you may reveal it and try to work out any arguments that may arise.
You want to be with someone who is understanding, and to me that means they understand you may or may not want to share things you are ashamed of with them, and that some things in the past dont need to be revealed, and if ever are, should be discussed and dealt with reasonably.
Just my view.
Learn to love yourself, then learn to love one-another
...If I had a past, I probably would not reveal it, apart from the fact that I have had male friends and I am prone to mistakes...
yeah but thats you. Not everyone's the same. I think this person's problem is that the ex and the person he/she's interested are in the same city and even went to same HS. There's a remote chance that they might meet up and the word can get out.
[This message has been edited by ghalib (edited July 26, 2002).]
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Originally posted by ghalib:
**>>>...If I had a past, I probably would not reveal it, apart from the fact that I have had male friends and I am prone to mistakes...
yeah but thats you. Not everyone's the same. I think this person's problem is that the ex and the person he/she's interested are in the same city and even went to same HS. There's a remote chance that they might meet up and the word can get out.
[This message has been edited by ghalib (edited July 26, 2002).]**
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Right, thats why its good to gauge how a person may think about this issue, and then take it from there. As others stated, if she/he decides to tell, then must be willing to face consequences.
Theres another issue involved. Her/Him telling this person, may lead to other people, i.e. even more people finding out. Depending on how the person takes it, if they are accepting or not, etc.
Lot of issues here which we dont really know the details of.
Learn to love yourself, then learn to love one-another
marrige is like a very fine thread... I agree it depends on the spouse's maturity how he handle's the truth but as far as our society is concerned, to the best of my knowledge, and kind of shady past is not at all acceptable. When you keep quiet its not as if you are telling a lie.....you are just trying to preserve your marrige because you really love ure spouse and does not want to hurt his or her feelings
The spouse should know…
Your suppose to be coming together..be joined as one in your relationship..
How can u be one..if the other doesn’t know of your past and that it may affect or infect them…u know what im saying…
imagine:you have been married awhile…you go to the doctor because of a recent problem in private area…
the doctor informs u this kind of problem can only be passed between partners who have been sexual.
You are going to suddenly be mixed with so many emotions: distrust,disgust,and anger toward the other person for not telling you of their [Past]
my personal opinion:tell them…