so this guy and I are in the “getting to know each other” phase, I guess. We both are interested after meeting and things seem to look like they will head in a mangni as soon as he finishes school and gets a job. But I’m confused. How much talking is TOO much? I’ve been careful about how much communication we have because 1) things AREN’T finalized yet and I don’t want there to be issues if things end 2)I’ve always heard that it’s good not to talk to even your fiance very much since things get misunderstood very easily–in this case, this guy isn’t technically my fiance (though he will be unless he majorly effs up and doesn’t get a job). At the same time, he’s been emailing/iming me daily. I already said no to FB and phone because that’s too much. He’s not inappropriate ever and we usually end up talking about stupid things that aren’t mushy or anything. Any advice?
My situation is a little odd because it basically is going to be a yes at this point, but no one thinks its appropriate to like have a long mangni or anything and they kinda just want to do a wedding as soon as he gains employment.
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At the same time, he's been emailing/iming me daily. I already said no to FB and phone because that's too much. He's not inappropriate ever and we usually end up talking about stupid things that aren't mushy or anything. Any advice?
My situation is a little odd because it basically is going to be a yes at this point, but no one thinks its appropriate to like have a long mangni or anything and they kinda just want to do a wedding as soon as he gains employment.
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sounds like you have set your limits and he's respecting those boundaries, which is a good sign.
and if you're expected to get married as soon as you say "yes", then this is your time to get to know each other...
It's hard to answer the question of how much is too much because it varies for each person. But I think that as long as your communication is not getting in the way of your daily routines (family, work, chores, etc) and goals......as long as you're not putting things on hold for him and are also paying attention to yourself and other important people in your life....you should be okay.
As far as engagments are concerned....who cares what "no one" thinks? You and him (if it gets to that stage) need to decide what's beste for you both as individuals and for your relationship. What's considered a long engagment is subjective.....but I personally like engagements....it gives you time for planning/reflecting. And it's okay to be engaged for a few months (even after he gets a job) rather than rush into a wedding. But you'll figure that out when you get to that stage.
It's hard to answer the question of how much is too much because it varies for each person. But I think that as long as your communication is not getting in the way of your daily routines (family, work, chores, etc) and goals......as long as you're not putting things on hold for him and are also paying attention to yourself and other important people in your life....you should be okay.
As far as engagments are concerned....who cares what "no one" thinks? You and him (if it gets to that stage) need to decide what's beste for you both as individuals and for your relationship. What's considered a long engagment is subjective.....but I personally like engagements....it gives you time for planning/reflecting. And it's okay to be engaged for a few months (even after he gets a job) rather than rush into a wedding. But you'll figure that out when you get to that stage.
I think I'm a little confused/worried because I think HE sees it as an engagement period. Like, he's not mushy but he's making it seem like we are FOR SURE getting married, I'm gonna be his wife. I'm a reserved person so it's really weird esp because there HASN'T been a finalization or an engagement at all. Iono why I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like something "not shareef" (okay really stupid , I know, but I'm gonan blame it on my super ultra conservative parents and their outlook on marriage)...I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't doing something majorly wrong.
**How much talking is TOO much?
**It depends on what you're actually talking about. If you're talking about career, future, goals, etc. than you can talk as much as you want. However, when you get personal, such as revealing internal family problems/ topics to your to-be-fiance that's a major problem. Since you have a small time frame to get to know each other, it's important to present idea's which will lead you to know if you're going to be happy with one another.
It's good that you guys are getting to know each other on a daily bases. Different problems arise from day to day and this is a good way to judge how you and him handle them.
Soconfused, if it bothers you that he's already talking as if you guys will be getting married soon.....then why not calmly discuss the matter with him. Tell him that it makes you feel a bit uneasy to make such future plans or talk as if you're already married when there hasn't been an official engagement or meeting of the families, etc. Tell him that you ARE interested in him ...that you don't want him to assume that you aren't....but you want to take things slowly until you both get to that stage and things are official. It'll alleviate your uneasiness.
But the whole issue of time/communication varies. One of my friend's colleagues (desi/Muslim) met a girl....fell pretty hard for her.....and got engaged in a fairly short amount of time and has no idea what her last name is or what the names of her siblings are. It's funny, cuz they did spend time talking on the phone and meeting in person to "get to know one another"...and you'd think names wold be among the things you'd want to know, LOL.
I would definitely suggest keeping a boundary like you have done. Me and my hubby got our nikaah done 2 and a half years before marraige, I didnt know him AT ALL. After our nikaah, it was like an engagement period' except after we got to know each other, the times I flew over, we were moderately affectionate because islamically we were married.
I know that had I been engaged, I wouldnt have spoken to him on the phone, nor sat with him alone, because even though, if you met me, you'd think my personality is very western, my ideology coincides with my faith.
My sister, on the other hand got her rishta done immediately after my wedding, she knew the guy a bit and was VERY happy (whereas when my parents chose me a suitor i was unhappy because I'm aloof and selfish and too aware that relationships are hard work, something I didnt care to put effort into whilst in my 2nd year of law school) and then we came back to England, they started having phone convos and now the "engagement" is broken off, because my sister was no longer happy and all because of tiny misunderstandings that distance and phone convos couldnt overcome.