How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I want to know how would you guys treat a divorced single mother.
Do you guys know of any? How are they dealing with society?
And is anyone going through a similar experience? How is it?
Say if you are happily married, would you be friends with her or not?
Honest and serious replies would be appreciated.
Reason for divorce is an (emotionally and physically) abusive husband and he’s the one who’s wanting a divorce.

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*I want to know how would you guys treat a divorced single mother. *
Like any normal human being i suppose? Although i can see some shallow people making incorrect assumptions about the person.

Do you guys know of any? How are they dealing with society? **
Some have it hard, others even harder. But they learn to be strong and move on.
**
Say if you are happily married, would you be friends with her or not?
I'm not even sure why this question needs to be asked. Are we implying that a divorced single mother automatically becomes an outcast from society and therefore shouldn't be befriended?

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

^^ Ditto!

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

Yeah one of my good friends is a single mother. She deals with society the same way most people do. Things happen, you just have to do the best you can with the situation and not worry so much about what other people are going to think.

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

my husband has one female friend that got divorced coz of same issue.Shes our family friend now.we treat her as anybody else.is main kia hai actually we giv examples of her courage n the way shes raising her 3 kids alone working two jobs,looking after the household.Sometimes loneliness,depression,high blood pressure affect her life but shes fighting.its not easy at all.u hav to hav some family support n lots of courage to face the hardships of raising ur kids alone n not let them hav those negative effect of a broken family.n then there are two more girls i know with one child each but they both live with their parents n r doing well.

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

I know two single divorced aunties whose kids are my age. I LOVE them. They've worked really hard, and had to go through a lot. Mashallah they're very happy, and part of our community just like any other auntie! My mom hung out with them, and i played with their daugthers as kids.

Like everything else, there are single divorced ladies who are complete angels and normal people , and then there are others who are scary/rude as heck, and you're just not surprised that their divorced. Just like there are married ladies who are complete angels, and there the are those scary-rude ladies who make you wonder why they're hubbies just don't divorce them....

There are many people who don't judge on the "divorced" label- it's all about what kind of person *you *are and how you handle the situation. If you're going to sit there and remind people of how awful your ex is then yeah your sort of asking for it. But if you can show you have moved on, and are trying to be the best possible person you can be then people will acutally respect you for it, and you will be more then a "divorcee" label. For the most part, I think people understand that they're are two sides to every story, and that some marriages just don't work out...

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i think she has a point some ladies might avoid such ladies thinking they might try to impress their husbands. insecure ppl.however how abt single dads?i know ppl in family gatherings avoid such ppl as any bachelor.

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

I think financially it would be really tough for a single mother, esp. if your kids are too young. There are so many times when kids need your time and it's possible only if you have a working husband. (For example little kids - get sick / everyday school pick up drop off and many such things).

However, once your kids are more independent it gets easier. So think about how you will handle job and kids. It's a very difficult task. Don't get into that situation.

If your hubby is abusive - then down play and back off and just agree with WHATEVER he says for now... however, keep focused on your career and savings.

Later on once you are stable enough to be on your own - only then - shift out of his home (obviously after all other means have failed).

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It's oké when you stop caring what other people say and you have to get used to the fact that most people don't want you.

People never stop thinking about what happened back then, so the rest of your life you have to get used to being asked about that, even if you don't bring that topic up yourself.

People don't allow you to forget that marriage.

And if you do become happy and move on, they don't like that. I've noticed that. I'm divorced and very happy right now and I've moved on with my life. People don't like it when I'm happy, I've noticed that.

I don't care anymore what they think or say.

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

I am open to marry a divorced woman, even with one "little" child!!
In fact I would prefer them. For the reasons I dont want to mention.

BUT

she should be willing to make more babies. And the baby she brings HAS to be adorable.

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

It is tough, but I have a lot of respect for anyone -- a woman in particular -- who stands up for herself and her children to lead a good, virtuous, and happy life. I know some divorced aunties, and it has been hard on them, but I think they've made it work and we've certainly been supportive.

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

My mother was a single mother and raised me alone. She had no family in Canada and in our experience, pakistani's are the WORST. They are extremely narrow minded. Often she would meet women here and there, who she thought could become potential friends but those ladies flat out would say "We only meet with families...i.e. women who have husbands."

It's extremely hard for single pakistani mothers because most pakistani people frown upon divorce (even when they knew the reason she got divorced was completely justified because of abuse etc.).

I have the utmost respect for certain divorced women because I firsthand know how hard it is not only on the mother, but on her children as well. Society really doesnt treat these women well, it's very sad, even when the divorce was "karab kismet" and no fault of their own.

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

^ Candy i hope not every pakistani your mom meets is like that :-/

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I would treat a divorced woman like any other friend of mine. My best friend is divorced, no kids, same reason. She is just as outgoing as she was before her marriage. She still meets up with us and throws parties at her parents' home all the time. The girl is handling herself admirably. Of course, she has lows when she feels bad sometimes but they're so rare and over time...diminish. There is a healing process...you go through that...but when its over...its okay.

Im getting married and she will be one of my bridesmaids. Inshallah.

I admire any woman who has the courage to stand up for herself and refuse to be abused.

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Unfortunately, she is right and some of our Pakistani families are brutal.

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Re: How hard is it for a divorced single mother?

I know a couple of paki women, both my relatives out of which one is divorced and has four daughters. The other is on the verge of getting a divorce with 3 young children including an infant. Both divorces for the same reason (abuse) they stuck with their husbands for over a decade each thinking that the husband would change and ofciurse be didn't. The one already divorced is so much happier m'A. No one looks down upon on her. On the other hand they sympathize that she had such a cowardly husband that would stoop to such levels.

One word of advice I do have is if anyone is thinking about divorce on grounds of an abusive spouse, if ur in a western country specially, call the police when the next abuse happens not only to scare ur spouse but also it's very imp to have proof of the abuse in the form of a police report during ur divorce trial. If ur not strong enough to get a divorce and need any kind of support, call social services they r experienced and can give u great advice thru the entire process. Lastly, if u go thru with the divorce find a damn good lawyer cuz u wanna take as much money as u can from that son of a gun and also if u want child custody. If u don't have a good lawyer u might only get a small amount of alimony and child support if even that. Allah help anyone going thru such a situation.

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One of my Dad’s close colleagues is desi and divorced with two kids in their early teens, she really struggles but then again one of the other doctors he works with is european, also with two kids and she manages just fine. I think it depends on a lot of things, financial commitments - do the kids go to private schools, does the ex help out much (financially and in practical ways), does she have a mortgage to pay, does the woman’s family support her/help out etc. I know desi women get a lot less support (even if the breakup was not their fault at all) so prob why they have a much harder time of it. Also, they are much less likely to get remarried, sometimes they choose not to (I often hear that they worry that kids will get mistreated), usually there aren’t exactly desi men lining up to marry a non-virgin unless the woman is stunningly beautiful or from a very well off or well known family. It does happen tho, one of my cousins remarried after a v.short (less than 3yr) marriage, she was incredibly fair tho, skin like porcelain and we all know the desi obsession with fair women and her dad was a company director. If she had been ‘ordinary’ I doubt she would have gotten many good proposals. I’ve also noticed that like someone already mentioned some families will steer clear of a divorced woman and not invite them to parties and so on. As if every divorced woman out there must be a homewrecker.

This obsession we have with a woman’s virginity and ‘reputation’ really riles me, it’s complete double standards. So many men love bedhopping, drinking etc and their family turns a blind eye then gets them a nice ‘pure’ little virgin (some two faced idiots actually have the nerve to insist on it). Even if a man beats his wife and gets divorced it’s often no problem finding another wife yet the poor woman he’s mistreated gets ‘tainted’ for life and comments like ‘well maybe she did something to provoke him’ or ‘maybe she had an affair’ :mad:

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Totally agree, v important to get the police informed so there is a record of the abuse. In the UK if the couple have been married a long time it's not unusual for the wife to get the house.

Important point - some desis are opting just for a nikkah instead of a civil UK marriage as well, if u do this u have far fewer rights. Contrary to popular belief there is no such thing as 'common law' marriage in this country, apart from the fact that ur kids will be regarded as illegitimate in the eyes of the law and u may legally not be his next of kin, u will be entitled to v.little and can be kicked out of your house if it is in ur hubby's name. Because of cases like this a lot of mosques (nearly all of the larger ones) will actually refuse to conduct a nikkah unless the couple has a valid civil marriage certificate. Beware of any man who refuses to give u a civil marriage - think what are his motives.

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**
I want to know how would you guys treat a divorced single mother. **

I would offer to help her out in any way that I can. Other then that I would treat her just like any other mother.

*Do you guys know of any? How are they dealing with society? *

I dont personally know of any but I can see it being difficult especially within our desi community/culture.

Say if you are happily married, would you be friends with her or not?

of course I would be....I would be even more of a friend to her then before. It doesnt seem easy being single mom...I would want to support her in anyway possible.

Dont worry about what other people will say about you. People will talk regardless. Think about yourself and your kids first and foremost. Make yourself strong become more independent (if you arent already)and get yourself out of the situation you are in. No one deserves to be physically and/or emotionally abused.

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We will soon have a matrimonial section on GS ... i guess ...

consider putting an advert there and i am sure you are find someone nice ... :-)