Your BlackBerry or Your Wife
by Elizabeth Bernstein
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
provided by
When the whole family is staring at screens, time to try a tech detox.
When you’re out to dinner, does your BlackBerry occupy a seat at the table? Does your spouse ever check email before saying “good morning” to the kids? Does your son sleep with his laptop?
It may be time for a technology cleanse.
Like an extreme diet that cuts out all processed foods for a short period of time with the promise of lasting good health, a technology cleanse means you unplug for a short time with longer-term benefits for your relationships.
But be warned: As with any other diet, it isn’t easy.
Diane Broadnax, a 50-year-old clinical trial researcher from Mount Airy, Md., recently became fed up with the way her family dispersed to separate computers each evening. Anika, 4, would watch “Dora the Explorer” on a laptop in the kitchen, while Jasmine, 12, would play with her virtual pets online. Ms. Broadnax’s husband, Lonnie Broadnax, 50, went to his home office to watch a sci-fi DVD, and she would make dinner – while checking her email. Many nights, each person would eat in front of his or her respective screen. “Days were going by and we weren’t talking,” Ms. Broadnax says.
So one evening last November, she gave her family some news. For one week, they would forgo all computerized entertainment – personal email, texting, Facebook, DVDs and online videos (they don’t have a regular TV). Computers and devices would be used only for work and homework. Horrified, her 12-year-old said it was no different than being grounded.
Ms. Broadnax persevered: The next night she made her family’s favorite dinner (chicken and rice) and set the table with candles. But when everyone sat down to eat, the conversation was stilted. The girls gave one-word answers to their parents’ questions. Even the adults felt ill at ease.
10 Signs Your Devices Are Hurting Your Relationships:
1. You can’t get through a meal without emailing, texting or talking on the phone.
2. You look at more than one screen at a time, checking email while watching television, for example.
3. You regularly email or text, other than for something urgent, while your partner or another family member is with you.
4. You sleep with your phone near you, and you check your email or texts while in bed.
5. You log onto your computer while in bed.
6. You have had an argument with a loved one about your use of technology.
7. You text or email while driving.
8. You no longer go outside for fun.
9. You never turn off your phone.
10. When you spend time with your family – a meal, a drive, hanging out – each person is looking at a different screen.
“I didn’t know what to say, so some stuff came out really awkward,” Jasmine recalls. "We all thought, ‘We are sitting at the table like we’re supposed to, but now what do we do?’ " Mr. Broadnax, a Web designer, says. The meal was so uncomfortable that the family skipped the molten chocolate cake Ms. Broadnax made for dessert. Afterward, Mr. Broadnax read a book. Jasmine went to her room. Anika played with toys in the kitchen while her mom cleaned up and made a few work phone calls.
For all our constant connectivity, our electronic devices often keep us apart. Texting causes misunderstandings. Facebook makes us jealous. Television makes us too lazy or tired or distracted for sex. (Don’t believe me? A few years ago, an Italian study showed that couples who have a TV in the bedroom have sex half as often as those who do not.)
Some therapists prescribe tech cleanses for clients. Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, a Mount Kisco, N.Y., marriage and family therapist, says technology is a distraction from family – and hard to resist because it’s portable and provides instant gratification. It’s also an easy escape if we’re having trouble in a relationship. “Technology should be on the list of the top reasons why people divorce, along with money, sex and parenting,” she says. She has seen couples who communicate almost entirely through text, email and phone messages. “There has to be some time in the week when you are all together and you shut off the technology,” she says.