Okay, Nadz...here's another way of looking at things. Your husband did defend you in the sense that if MIL had a negative assumption about you, he tried to remove it.
If he had told his mom that you are "khafa" with his family, it might have made his mom get angry or defensive or react toward you in a way that would cause you greater discomfort down the road. So, your husband tried to spare you that tension. Look at this as his defense.
If he had even in the most gentlest way told his mom that she should enquire about your health, she might get offended and react in a way that could hurt you more. So, maybe your husband was thinking of long-term consequences and tried sparing you that headache. This can be seen as defense as well. You don't see that he is defending/helping you because you want him to do it solely on your terms and conditions...even if it comes at his expense.
Nadz i have been married 16 months. Reality hit big time when i moved in with my inlaws. We moved out 5months into living with them. My husbands decision. Due to various stuff. My inlaws havegone as far as making a trip to my family to 'complain' about me when Allah swt knows and so does my family that my intentions r clean. They unfortunatley dont think im good enough for their son, thsir son thinks otherwise. You know what i do? In one ear out the other.
I was a newlywed and was literally jobless and living as a carer for my mil who had major knee replacement surgery and i got shat on. Til this day theyl do everything behjnd myback to make things hard for me. I carry on as normal. Speak to them with a straight face and make my visits with the husband and watch them act sweet n sickly to my face and then a day later hear a complaint! Woman you have been married a while now! And u hVe mashallah two kiddies! Grow some balls and let the crap in one ear out the other. Ur hubby supports u. U and mil dnt like eaxh other but thats still his mother so just learn to accept thats how they are snd just get on with it
Nadz, for a long time, I wished that my husband would defend me and go tell his parents and his sister how wrong they've been with me . One day, one of my best friend who is a guy told me that it wouldn't change anything to tell them they were wrong,they are so proud they'd just look for more trouble so it would have been useless. And I realized he was right, I remembered that one day when my FIL was complaining about me and Husband said something to defend me, it just ended in FIL shouting at him, so what's the point ? he won't listen because of his bloated ego.
I don't care anymore if they know they were wrong or not, and it took me a lot of time to realize that, and i know it's hard and unfair, but you've been married for a lot longer time than me and you live with them, you need to realize that NOW !
Guys.
And my husband is in the middle yes but will he ever tell his mother she is wrong.no.
Thing is repesct is all good bit when an elder is wrong they are wrong. Why is that difficult to digest.
BEFORE the nikah, you knew that you would have to move to Pakistan & live with his parents, and you also knew before nikah that his mother didn't like you. After several years of marriage and 2 kids, MIL still doesn't like you, you husband has refused to move out, and you already know that he will not speak against his mother. Whether or not your MIL is wrong doesn't really matter. This is how things will be run in HER house.
So if you want to continue being married to him and continue to live in your MIL's house….this is how things will be for the rest of your life. Why is that difficult for you to digest?
I think the definition of insanity in this case is everyone who gives the same advice to the same person for the same problem over many years expecting a different result. I think nadz just made everyone insane in this thread.
Also, redundant (though hilarious) disclaimer award pour vouz nadz
BEFORE the nikah, you knew that you would have to move to Pakistan & live with his parents, and you also knew before nikah that his mother didn't like you. After several years of marriage and 2 kids, MIL still doesn't like you, you husband has refused to move out, and you already know that he will not speak against his mother. Whether or not your MIL is wrong doesn't really matter. This is how things will be run in HER house.
So if you want to continue being married to him and continue to live in your MIL's house….this is how things will be for the rest of your life. Why is that difficult for you to digest?
Well, when you put it like that, it's hard even for ME to digest. I'd hate to be in a situation where I am continually being wronged, and the person wronging me, nor the person who is supposed to be my other half, are willing to stand up for me. And I am just expected to happily accept it? I can see where she's coming from - I'd be going mental too trying to fight for my rights.
But nadz - don't drive yourself insane. You have to look after yourself, as these are the cards you've been dealt. Learn to ignore. It's not easy. But it's necessary.
She even moved out and back home for a while but then chose to come back so it's like seriously you have to make the most of it!
I've lived with inlaws and Hubby made the decision to move out after 2 years of dealing with drama. Who wouldn't go insane and avoid having to come back to be treated the same over and over again. Everyone has their place and its about time Nadz you accepted that. MIL is not about to move from hers and you should stay in yours (ie: not giving a rats bum about what she says or does.) I seriously don't see how your hubby didn't defend you, he's not going to scream and shout at his mother regardless of what you expect. You will probably always be the brunt of that first because of this constant attitude of yours. Just let s*** goooooooo! My FIL could of cared less if whether or not his son's marriage lasted because it had to be all about him, all the time because that's what he was used to. Obviously, I wasn't going ruin my life and throw away a good thing I had with hubby, just stop expecting man and live your own damn life. Your husband seems sensible and you need to just come to grips on what your actually fighting for, your marriage or his family's approval? Which will never happen even if you had handed them the moon on a silver platter. Move the eff on man, move the eff onnnn! My good days were the one where my inlaws didn't speak to me because anything that came out of their mouth was an attack so at some point you just need to back the eff off yourself!
Sorry if that's harsh! You know I empathize with you sometimes but it's getting reallyyyyyy old with the same complaint! You sound just like her.
Your examples.are of ur in laws who don't actually live with u.so?
And my husband is in the middle yes but will he ever tell his mother she is wrong.no.
Thing is repesct is all good bit when an elder is wrong they are wrong. Why is that difficult to digest.
cant you move out and not live near your inlaws? when elder is wrong, they are wrong. no one should have the right to disrespect someone simply because they are older. but your MIL not asking about your sickness isn't really being disrespectful, that just shows she doesn't really care. so cant u just ignore her too and not bother with her?
Ur husband is a bit Ch. Shujaat Hussain type. He has one solution for all problems i.e. Mitti Paoo
But rell u what its too late to change relationship b/w him and ur mil. Only relatuionship that u can mold is u and ur mil. Mold it for better. Sometimes its better to move on than being right.
Some people never admit they are wrong or take responsibility for their actions. Don't waste your life waiting around for them to do it. Move on.
Isnt that the truth. Brilliant and practical advice - applicable to so many of us. Frame this one for posterity. And refer to it once a month - at least.
