How do you know if he's the one?

[redvelvet]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

^Yes, it was long…but so what? I liked it; it was a sweet and encouraging story.

[Monk]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@hir666

this provides a good insight. Thank you Reha for sharing this with us. Just a small note to that, dont fire away questions as a list, go with the discussion, and come back, fill in answers you get. Later ask the ones which have been left and you think are important, directly.

I recently got engaged to a guy, who shares couple of attributes with me, we both are eldest in our sibs, we have a big ‘say’ in our family’s day to day OR critical decisions.

We had gotten together for (so called) halal dates, after the first meet up in our home. After the first one we met three times, for three consecutive days, this was not initial plan, but it just happened. He stayed at hotel, for enitre duration. He lead the discussion, summary for three and half days would be like this.

He was of the opinion, that poeple should marry for what they are, not what they will be, or what they can be, through better half’s expectations. He was very clear that we should be very truthful if we want things to go in right direction, otherwise in his observation, things fall apart in people’s lives. he did tell me, it’s not easy considering someone like that and meeting someone face to face, ensured it’s hard for him equally, and advised me to take it easy, things will go in correct way, he thanked me before leaving. This was first meet up, at our house, we had this discussion, in our lawn for five minutes. his family had accompanied him that day. and then they left the same day, while he stayed back.

all the other meetups were in form of the discussion, my younger (married sister) had accompanied me, we met outisde.

He came out with idea, that it has to start some way, so one of us, have to do ‘tell all’ for their side, what their expectations are, how their lives have been etc… he lead and did something interesting. He said he’ll begin with whats bad about him, what the challenges have been and will be in his life, rest of the stuff isnt that bad, and I can decide myself, if compatibility is there, and then I’d begin with my side. he was more than fair and confident in his elaboration. he explained and revealed parts of his life, its usually hard for a human to do.

Next day, mostly it was me. we sat in visible isolation and took casual strolls, first two lasted about two-three hours.

He was good in floating the discussion ahead, he almost made me laugh hard (i controlled it always, with the simple smile)

third day, it was almost half an hour. He did declare, he would be lucky to have me and if i consent, he would like to ask my hand formally to my parents. that one ride back to my home, was the most difficult one ever, I wanted to jump on bed, dance, i dont know what! first person i told this was, my mother.

I did the istikhara, and I prayed to God, please make it good through this one. and God did listen to the prayer.

Then came a phase, in our lives, both of us started acting like kids, we got enaged (again not initial plan) we did, we misused the power we have in our homes

and let me tell you, violins are real! Standing next him shoulder to shoulder, its feeling i can not explain, you feel complete. People who’ve been there, know what I am talking about.

To let you all in on a secret, I had fallen for him, on first day, it was really hard, keeping that ‘falling for’ feeling aside, and not allowing it to manipulate the thoughts which were going to be exchanged in upcoming meet ups.

Since our engagement, every morning, when I wake up, I thank God, for giving me so much, I really have no idea, what did I do to desrve this!

it all happened very fast, i had not anticipated any thing like, this might very unconventioanal pakistani rishta-engagement, but it worked for us. What most people will miss in this topic is, parents have a big part to play in for their sons and daughters.

[htmwrites]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@MustafaQuraishi

and what are those questions ?

I have asked this question before and will ask again, if someone is seeing you with knowledge that you two both might get married, don’t you think he will always put the best just to impress you ?

If I am 30 years old and desperate to get married, then i will be hell sure that whenever I see a girl I will show those traits which a girl is normally impressed by.

1. I will make sure that I will show i respect women
2. I will make sure that i respect waiters, kids and respect everyone else
3. I will make sure that I have plans for my future
4. I will make sure that I will respect listening to you, your words and so on.
5. I will make sure that I put the best (fake) out of my personality just to impress you

And believe me I will do everyting given that I am 30 years old and I am desperate.

Once I am married, I no longer have to pretend what I was because now I have a girl with me …

I can never understand how these arrange marriages work. I would never understand. Either I will just take the leap of faith that OMG, the girl has beautiful eyes, lets marry and hope she will have beautiful personality … Or stay away from rishta specific dates. I would much rather talk to a girl with no intention of marrying and see how it goes.

You would be surprised at the number of people who DON’T think these things through. I get your point of view, i get how people might want to bring forward their best possible self and have answers prepared but only those who want to mislead and lie to others prepare false answers and perceptions. The good people always answer truthfully.

Obviously, it would be stupid to take their word for it, hence all the investigation that goes down via parents.. you know, corroborate all their answers to actual real life (talk to friends family, neighbors, people who don’t necessarily have to lie for them or can speak truthfully about them).

That aside, almost every guy i’ve talked to for the rishta process (to be fair i’ve only met 2 so far, lol, so not much of a statistic here), did NOT have answers prepared. There was one who had literally no idea what he wanted in a wife, let alone what he had planned for the next 5 years. It was a HUGE turn off for me because i personally am a planner and an organizer. Plus, what kinda 30 yr old doesnt plan his life? I couldnt get past that and their irresponsibility so i said no to the rishtas.

In essence, i would love to be able to talk to someone without showing any interest to marry and just talk it out with them, get to know them without them ever knowing i am interested in anything. However, that would only work if i had a whole list of random guys around me who i chat up every day and get to know them. Its not how it works culturally, that’s just dating, isn’t it? When your parents introduce a guy to you, it’s already understood the both parties are interested and want to get to know one another. It’s by kismet that you either find someone so vindictive that they lie to you, or so straight forward that they answer all questions truthfully.

I’m quite simple minded that way, i answer everything truthfully and to the best of my ability so i hope and pray the other person does too, the rest i’ve left to Allah. I try and make the most of the situation i am presented with and see how it goes from there

[Thornewood9]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@MustafaQuraishi

and what are those questions ?

I have asked this question before and will ask again, if someone is seeing you with knowledge that you two both might get married, don’t you think he will always put the best just to impress you ?

If I am 30 years old and desperate to get married, then i will be hell sure that whenever I see a girl I will show those traits which a girl is normally impressed by.

1. I will make sure that I will show i respect women
2. I will make sure that i respect waiters, kids and respect everyone else
3. I will make sure that I have plans for my future
4. I will make sure that I will respect listening to you, your words and so on.
5. I will make sure that I put the best (fake) out of my personality just to impress you

And believe me I will do everyting given that I am 30 years old and I am desperate.

Once I am married, I no longer have to pretend what I was because now I have a girl with me …

I can never understand how these arrange marriages work. I would never understand. Either I will just take the leap of faith that OMG, the girl has beautiful eyes, lets marry and hope she will have beautiful personality … Or stay away from rishta specific dates. I would much rather talk to a girl with no intention of marrying and see how it goes.

Its not just meeting the guy. Your family and the other family meet as well. Your parents have more experience in determining the character of someone than you yourself might. Your parents meet his parents and through talking suss out the characteristics and qualities of the family. Then you ask around to find out what other people know about this family and whether they are suitable or not. Its also not just based on one meeting usually. The families meet three maybe four times.
Arranged marriage is usually quite good in determining compatibility. Of course whether its arranged or not the true character comes out when you actually live and share life with the person.

[MustafaQuraishi]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@htmwrites

You would be surprised at the number of people who DON’T think these things through. I get your point of view, i get how people might want to bring forward their best possible self and have answers prepared but only those who want to mislead and lie to others prepare false answers and perceptions. The good people always answer truthfully.

Obviously, it would be stupid to take their word for it, hence all the investigation that goes down via parents.. you know, corroborate all their answers to actual real life (talk to friends family, neighbors, people who don’t necessarily have to lie for them or can speak truthfully about them).

That aside, almost every guy i’ve talked to for the rishta process (to be fair i’ve only met 2 so far, lol, so not much of a statistic here), did NOT have answers prepared. There was one who had literally no idea what he wanted in a wife, let alone what he had planned for the next 5 years. It was a HUGE turn off for me because i personally am a planner and an organizer. Plus, what kinda 30 yr old doesnt plan his life? I couldnt get past that and their irresponsibility so i said no to the rishtas.

In essence, i would love to be able to talk to someone without showing any interest to marry and just talk it out with them, get to know them without them ever knowing i am interested in anything. However, that would only work if i had a whole list of random guys around me who i chat up every day and get to know them. Its not how it works culturally, that’s just dating, isn’t it? When your parents introduce a guy to you, it’s already understood the both parties are interested and want to get to know one another. It’s by kismet that you either find someone so vindictive that they lie to you, or so straight forward that they answer all questions truthfully.

I’m quite simple minded that way, i answer everything truthfully and to the best of my ability so i hope and pray the other person does too, the rest i’ve left to Allah. I try and make the most of the situation i am presented with and see how it goes from there

I totally understand your pov and i get it why you have strong words on this process. I can also believe that okay there might be people (girls for me) whom I can ask “some” questions to see what the compatibility is … BUT no matter what i do, these things will stay stuck in back of my mind.

I am a very straight forward person and I take said words very important. If someone says that she doesn’t like star plus dramas, I would believe in that without asking my parents to figure out the truth (a lame example though).

The point is, that no matter how much I think about this “rishta dates” and no matter how much i prepare myself to have these dates fruitfull, I will always have this fear in my mind that WHAT IF.

To give you two examples, one of my cousin got married to a guy who said that he has amazing job and God knows what. My cousin’s family did their investigation and they said yeah, he is good and got married. After few months of wedding my cousin learned that the guy has no job or no future, everything that they investigated was faked. I can say that my cousin’s family didn’t their job well but one example is good enough to scare the **** out of me ?

I met a girl here in Canada and I was amazed to find someone that good. She was tall, knew how to carry the conversation and mad confidence … I really really liked her. We met couple of times and everything (those questions) seems perfectly lined untill a friend of my friend saw me with her. He approached me via facebook and said whats up with you and that girl. I told him that this is the story and he told me dude stay away … and then he told me stuff that I would have never known about her. To be honest, I wouldn’t have mind her past … but what i did mind was learning all this from someone else. who knew there were more to the story ?

Bottom line - I don’t believe if you are meeting someone just because of rishta purpose. It doesn’t work or at least I am scared.

[Thornewood9]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@htmwrites

You would be surprised at the number of people who DON’T think these things through. I get your point of view, i get how people might want to bring forward their best possible self and have answers prepared but only those who want to mislead and lie to others prepare false answers and perceptions. The good people always answer truthfully.

Obviously, it would be stupid to take their word for it, hence all the investigation that goes down via parents.. you know, corroborate all their answers to actual real life (talk to friends family, neighbors, people who don’t necessarily have to lie for them or can speak truthfully about them).

That aside, almost every guy i’ve talked to for the rishta process (to be fair i’ve only met 2 so far, lol, so not much of a statistic here), did NOT have answers prepared. There was one who had literally no idea what he wanted in a wife, let alone what he had planned for the next 5 years. It was a HUGE turn off for me because i personally am a planner and an organizer. Plus, what kinda 30 yr old doesnt plan his life? I couldnt get past that and their irresponsibility so i said no to the rishtas.

In essence, i would love to be able to talk to someone without showing any interest to marry and just talk it out with them, get to know them without them ever knowing i am interested in anything. However, that would only work if i had a whole list of random guys around me who i chat up every day and get to know them. Its not how it works culturally, that’s just dating, isn’t it? When your parents introduce a guy to you, it’s already understood the both parties are interested and want to get to know one another. It’s by kismet that you either find someone so vindictive that they lie to you, or so straight forward that they answer all questions truthfully.

I’m quite simple minded that way, i answer everything truthfully and to the best of my ability so i hope and pray the other person does too, the rest i’ve left to Allah. I try and make the most of the situation i am presented with and see how it goes from there

Lol its true actually. The first rishta I saw the guy asked me “Do you like cats or dogs?” I kid you not. And he had no idea either what he was looking for in a wife. The second one was even worse. He actually came out and told me that I wasn’t really his type. Most of the time people can’t help being who they really are.
My husband was the third rishta I saw and he knew what he was looking for and he communicated it to me really well. Alhumdulillah Allah is the best of Planners. Will keep you in duas also you should read Musa AS dua after every farz namaz and then ask for a good spouse. Inshallah its a very powerful dua.

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ (28:24)
rabbi innee lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeerun
“My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!”

[MustafaQuraishi]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@Thornewood9

Its not just meeting the guy. Your family and the other family meet as well. Your parents have more experience in determining the character of someone than you yourself might. Your parents meet his parents and through talking suss out the characteristics and qualities of the family. Then you ask around to find out what other people know about this family and whether they are suitable or not. Its also not just based on one meeting usually. The families meet three maybe four times.
Arranged marriage is usually quite good in determining compatibility. Of course whether its arranged or not the true character comes out when you actually live and share life with the person.

how can you say that ? what is your measurements of compatibility ?

If a girl is marrying someone just because her parents wants to do so, don’t you think the girl will change every single part of her personality so that she is compatible with the guy she is married to ? To keep marriage alive and keep her parents respect and happines ? (girl = brown girl)

One of my bhabhi, I asked her that i have never seen you objecting or putting your suggestions whenever me and your husbands have an argument and she says, whatever they say is right, I have changed my personlity to meet his so that we have happy life … DO YOU THINK THIS IS COMPATIBILITY ? And she wasn’t any girl, she was a master graduate from one of the best university in Pakistan.

This is the sole reason I hate arrange marraige, because you are stuck with a person and ultimately fall in love and personality matches not because it was so before marriage but because you guys are forced by celebrating it openly that we are tying two people together and from 2 years now they will hav ebest compatibility and love.

[htmwrites]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@Thornewood9

Lol its true actually. The first rishta I saw the guy asked me “Do you like cats or dogs?” I kid you not. And he had no idea either what he was looking for in a wife. The second one was even worse. He actually came out and told me that I wasn’t really his type. Most of the time people can’t help being who they really are.
My husband was the third rishta I saw and he knew what he was looking for and he communicated it to me really well. Alhumdulillah Allah is the best of Planners. Will keep you in duas also you should read Musa AS dua after every farz namaz and then ask for a good spouse. Inshallah its a very powerful dua.

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ (28:24)
rabbi innee lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeerun
“My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!”

Thanks so much! I’m a great believer in the Almighty’s word. Inshallah, i’ll try and be regular with it <3

[rosedreams]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

Even I wonder.. how will I ever know? Bummer. Ive had great dosti, frankness with 2 guys so far, but they are just friends. No rishta scene whatsoever. But i do admit i did think for a min that being married to them wouldn’t be too bad.

I am assuming ill be having extreme sparks with THE ONE whenever I meet him then.

[htmwrites]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@MustafaQuraishi

I totally understand your pov and i get it why you have strong words on this process. I can also believe that okay there might be people (girls for me) whom I can ask “some” questions to see what the compatibility is … BUT no matter what i do, these things will stay stuck in back of my mind.

I am a very straight forward person and I take said words very important. If someone says that she doesn’t like star plus dramas, I would believe in that without asking my parents to figure out the truth (a lame example though).

The point is, that no matter how much I think about this “rishta dates” and no matter how much i prepare myself to have these dates fruitfull, I will always have this fear in my mind that WHAT IF.

To give you two examples, one of my cousin got married to a guy who said that he has amazing job and God knows what. My cousin’s family did their investigation and they said yeah, he is good and got married. After few months of wedding my cousin learned that the guy has no job or no future, everything that they investigated was faked. I can say that my cousin’s family didn’t their job well but one example is good enough to scare the **** out of me ?

I met a girl here in Canada and I was amazed to find someone that good. She was tall, knew how to carry the conversation and mad confidence … I really really liked her. We met couple of times and everything (those questions) seems perfectly lined untill a friend of my friend saw me with her. He approached me via facebook and said whats up with you and that girl. I told him that this is the story and he told me dude stay away … and then he told me stuff that I would have never known about her. To be honest, I wouldn’t have mind her past … but what i did mind was learning all this from someone else. who knew there were more to the story ?

Bottom line - I don’t believe if you are meeting someone just because of rishta purpose. It doesn’t work or at least I am scared.

I can understand why you’re scared. I’m scared too. Every time someone recommends someone to me. It scares me through and through just thinking about the fact that i’m supposed to be prepared to say yes or no to someone i only meet a couple of times (the hundreds of meetings after saying YES to someone don’t count here) but sometimes you just have to have faith.

I’m not the biggest romantic out there so i don’t believe that prince charming will come astride his white horse and whisk me away. I’m more of the, find that dude and see where it goes from there kind. I just have to believe that Allah will help me out through that search. Instead of feeling so hopeless and scared like you are right now, i tend to focus my energy on all the positive examples i had around me, instead of the negative ones. I’m the biggest realist there is and so i weigh my pros and cons. Not all stories around me are bad so i think to myself, why not me? Why can’t i open my heart and mind just a little bit to give someone else a chance? Sure, what happened to your cousin was terrible and i wouldnt wish that on anyone but there are also hundreds others in your family who’ve had good rishta’s and lives.

I trust my parents and my family will do everything to the best of their ability, and then there’s Istikhara and just the belief that Allah will take care of me. You’ve got to try and get rid of the fear, inshallah it will go well for you I hope you find a nice girl, someone who can take the fear away.

[MustafaQuraishi]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@htmwrites

I can understand why you’re scared. I’m scared too. Every time someone recommends someone to me. It scares me through and through just thinking about the fact that i’m supposed to be prepared to say yes or no to someone i only meet a couple of times (the hundreds of meetings after saying YES to someone don’t count here) but sometimes you just have to have faith.

I’m not the biggest romantic out there so i don’t believe that prince charming will come astride his white horse and whisk me away. I’m more of the, find that dude and see where it goes from there kind. I just have to believe that Allah will help me out through that search. Instead of feeling so hopeless and scared like you are right now, i tend to focus my energy on all the positive examples i had around me, instead of the negative ones. I’m the biggest realist there is and so i weigh my pros and cons. Not all stories around me are bad so i think to myself, why not me? Why can’t i open my heart and mind just a little bit to give someone else a chance? Sure, what happened to your cousin was terrible and i wouldnt wish that on anyone but there are also hundreds others in your family who’ve had good rishta’s and lives.

I trust my parents and my family will do everything to the best of their ability, and then there’s Istikhara and just the belief that Allah will take care of me. You’ve got to try and get rid of the fear, inshallah it will go well for you I hope you find a nice girl, someone who can take the fear away.

yeah you are lucky that you have +ve examples around you.

[bakhabar]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@hir666

this provides a good insight. Thank you Reha for sharing this with us. Just a small note to that, dont fire away questions as a list, go with the discussion, and come back, fill in answers you get. Later ask the ones which have been left and you think are important, directly.

I recently got engaged to a guy, who shares couple of attributes with me, we both are eldest in our sibs, we have a big ‘say’ in our family’s day to day OR critical decisions.

We had gotten together for (so called) halal dates, after the first meet up in our home. After the first one we met three times, for three consecutive days, this was not initial plan, but it just happened. He stayed at hotel, for enitre duration. He lead the discussion, summary for three and half days would be like this.

He was of the opinion, that poeple should marry for what they are, not what they will be, or what they can be, through better half’s expectations. He was very clear that we should be very truthful if we want things to go in right direction, otherwise in his observation, things fall apart in people’s lives. he did tell me, it’s not easy considering someone like that and meeting someone face to face, ensured it’s hard for him equally, and advised me to take it easy, things will go in correct way, he thanked me before leaving. This was first meet up, at our house, we had this discussion, in our lawn for five minutes. his family had accompanied him that day. and then they left the same day, while he stayed back.

all the other meetups were in form of the discussion, my younger (married sister) had accompanied me, we met outisde.

He came out with idea, that it has to start some way, so one of us, have to do ‘tell all’ for their side, what their expectations are, how their lives have been etc… he lead and did something interesting. He said he’ll begin with whats bad about him, what the challenges have been and will be in his life, rest of the stuff isnt that bad, and I can decide myself, if compatibility is there, and then I’d begin with my side. he was more than fair and confident in his elaboration. he explained and revealed parts of his life, its usually hard for a human to do.

Next day, mostly it was me. we sat in visible isolation and took casual strolls, first two lasted about two-three hours.

He was good in floating the discussion ahead, he almost made me laugh hard (i controlled it always, with the simple smile)

third day, it was almost half an hour. He did declare, he would be lucky to have me and if i consent, he would like to ask my hand formally to my parents. that one ride back to my home, was the most difficult one ever, I wanted to jump on bed, dance, i dont know what! first person i told this was, my mother.

I did the istikhara, and I prayed to God, please make it good through this one. and God did listen to the prayer.

Then came a phase, in our lives, both of us started acting like kids, we got enaged (again not initial plan) we did, we misused the power we have in our homes

and let me tell you, violins are real! Standing next him shoulder to shoulder, its feeling i can not explain, you feel complete. People who’ve been there, know what I am talking about.

To let you all in on a secret, I had fallen for him, on first day, it was really hard, keeping that ‘falling for’ feeling aside, and not allowing it to manipulate the thoughts which were going to be exchanged in upcoming meet ups.

Since our engagement, every morning, when I wake up, I thank God, for giving me so much, I really have no idea, what did I do to desrve this!

it all happened very fast, i had not anticipated any thing like, this might very unconventioanal pakistani rishta-engagement, but it worked for us. What most people will miss in this topic is, parents have a big part to play in for their sons and daughters.

I like him! I would be really honored, if we could shake hands, once! Your man, two thumbs up!

[bakhabar]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

posted this by mistake, mod plz delete

[Thornewood9]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@MustafaQuraishi

how can you say that ? what is your measurements of compatibility ?

If a girl is marrying someone just because her parents wants to do so, don’t you think the girl will change every single part of her personality so that she is compatible with the guy she is married to ? To keep marriage alive and keep her parents respect and happines ? (girl = brown girl)

One of my bhabhi, I asked her that i have never seen you objecting or putting your suggestions whenever me and your husbands have an argument and she says, whatever they say is right, I have changed my personlity to meet his so that we have happy life … DO YOU THINK THIS IS COMPATIBILITY ? And she wasn’t any girl, she was a master graduate from one of the best university in Pakistan.

This is the sole reason I hate arrange marraige, because you are stuck with a person and ultimately fall in love and personality matches not because it was so before marriage but because you guys are forced by celebrating it openly that we are tying two people together and from 2 years now they will hav ebest compatibility and love.

Your idea of arranged marriage is actually forced marriage. Arranged marriage actually should have no force in it and should ultimately be the decision of the two people who are getting married. Alhumdulillah I was never forced to consider any rishta. And I did not change who I am to please my spouse. As for your bhabhi she has compromised more than her husband. That unfortunately is wrong. In marriage there should be compromise on both sides not just one.
Measures of compatibility are things like: do you both share the same thoughts and ideas on big issues like children, marriage, the rights of a spouse, family involvement etc. You find that out through talking to each other.
Unfortunately you seem to only have seen bad examples of arranged marriage. But that doesn’t mean if you went down that route that it would end badly for you. Sometimes you just need to have faith and leave it to Allah. Its all kismet at the end of the day. Allah is the best of Planners. He always does what is best for us.
You can’t know 100% what someone else is thinking but you can put all of your trust in Allah and know that He won’t break it.

[geminifromkhi]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@MustafaQuraishi

how can you say that ? what is your measurements of compatibility ?

If a girl is marrying someone just because her parents wants to do so, don’t you think the girl will change every single part of her personality so that she is compatible with the guy she is married to ? To keep marriage alive and keep her parents respect and happines ? (girl = brown girl)

One of my bhabhi, I asked her that i have never seen you objecting or putting your suggestions whenever me and your husbands have an argument and she says, whatever they say is right, I have changed my personlity to meet his so that we have happy life … DO YOU THINK THIS IS COMPATIBILITY ? And she wasn’t any girl, she was a master graduate from one of the best university in Pakistan.

This is the sole reason I hate arrange marraige, because you are stuck with a person and ultimately fall in love and personality matches not because it was so before marriage but because you guys are forced by celebrating it openly that we are tying two people together and from 2 years now they will hav ebest compatibility and love.

I HATE this part about arranged marriage too. In fact, about marriage in general. You have to pretend like a naik parveen, and you have to smile all the time, and you can never speak your mind.

[SaeedinPakistan]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@Deeba1234

Why would a non-Muslim consult an elder? I mean they have time to find out about the other person and mix and mingle as much as they’d like to (usually).. I doubt their elders would know (or care) more tbh..

The elders might object if you’re marrying somebody out of your race or social class. With dating parents can chalk it up to their kids going through a phase but marriage is different. It has more permanence to it.

[paki1002]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

Thanks for your feedback. I’m super stressed as I’m just beginning this process and don’t know much about it. Nice to get some perspective from others!

[paki1002]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@htmwrites

As someone in your boots, i found this quite difficult too. I’ve never dated either and now this whole arranged marriage thing where it’s very difficult to decide if this guy is the one or not.

I’ve just kept in mind that it’s never like the movies, there are no violins (@MustafaQuraishi, lol, good one), he won’t sit there and stare at you like its the end of the world, he’s not going to chase you while you get shy and run around. All that is BS. You just have to ask the right questions and try to understand the guy. If his answers are what you’re looking for, stage 1= pass.

Stage 2 consists of observation. Observing how he is with his family, adults, children, if he’s kind to waiters or just a stuck up prick. You have to observe and look out for things that are red flags and look for things that you hope are in your ideal partner.

Stage 3 is talking it out with your elders and adults who have experience. I’ve seen that always helps.

This is how i see it may be, i still haven’t gotten past anyone who could answer my questions, let alone letting it get further. If i do, i’ll let you know how it goes. lol

Who ever said finding your life partner is easy was a crazy person or someone who had all the luck in the world.

Yes, do keep me posted! InshAllah everything will work out for the best. It’s really stressful, and I don’t know what to expect. Good luck to you!

[paki1002]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@Reha

This site has some great ideas for conversational/probing questions:

100 Pre Marital Questions | HaqIslam

This is great, thanks!

[paki1002]

Re: How do you know if he’s the one?

@hir666

this provides a good insight. Thank you Reha for sharing this with us. Just a small note to that, dont fire away questions as a list, go with the discussion, and come back, fill in answers you get. Later ask the ones which have been left and you think are important, directly.

I recently got engaged to a guy, who shares couple of attributes with me, we both are eldest in our sibs, we have a big ‘say’ in our family’s day to day OR critical decisions.

We had gotten together for (so called) halal dates, after the first meet up in our home. After the first one we met three times, for three consecutive days, this was not initial plan, but it just happened. He stayed at hotel, for enitre duration. He lead the discussion, summary for three and half days would be like this.

He was of the opinion, that poeple should marry for what they are, not what they will be, or what they can be, through better half’s expectations. He was very clear that we should be very truthful if we want things to go in right direction, otherwise in his observation, things fall apart in people’s lives. he did tell me, it’s not easy considering someone like that and meeting someone face to face, ensured it’s hard for him equally, and advised me to take it easy, things will go in correct way, he thanked me before leaving. This was first meet up, at our house, we had this discussion, in our lawn for five minutes. his family had accompanied him that day. and then they left the same day, while he stayed back.

all the other meetups were in form of the discussion, my younger (married sister) had accompanied me, we met outisde.

He came out with idea, that it has to start some way, so one of us, have to do ‘tell all’ for their side, what their expectations are, how their lives have been etc… he lead and did something interesting. He said he’ll begin with whats bad about him, what the challenges have been and will be in his life, rest of the stuff isnt that bad, and I can decide myself, if compatibility is there, and then I’d begin with my side. he was more than fair and confident in his elaboration. he explained and revealed parts of his life, its usually hard for a human to do.

Next day, mostly it was me. we sat in visible isolation and took casual strolls, first two lasted about two-three hours.

He was good in floating the discussion ahead, he almost made me laugh hard (i controlled it always, with the simple smile)

third day, it was almost half an hour. He did declare, he would be lucky to have me and if i consent, he would like to ask my hand formally to my parents. that one ride back to my home, was the most difficult one ever, I wanted to jump on bed, dance, i dont know what! first person i told this was, my mother.

I did the istikhara, and I prayed to God, please make it good through this one. and God did listen to the prayer.

Then came a phase, in our lives, both of us started acting like kids, we got enaged (again not initial plan) we did, we misused the power we have in our homes

and let me tell you, violins are real! Standing next him shoulder to shoulder, its feeling i can not explain, you feel complete. People who’ve been there, know what I am talking about.

To let you all in on a secret, I had fallen for him, on first day, it was really hard, keeping that ‘falling for’ feeling aside, and not allowing it to manipulate the thoughts which were going to be exchanged in upcoming meet ups.

Since our engagement, every morning, when I wake up, I thank God, for giving me so much, I really have no idea, what did I do to desrve this!

it all happened very fast, i had not anticipated any thing like, this might very unconventioanal pakistani rishta-engagement, but it worked for us. What most people will miss in this topic is, parents have a big part to play in for their sons and daughters.

This is such a sweet story; you are very lucky indeed! Thanks for sharing