Considering my own failed friendships that were based on unbalance and reading other people’s posts here on GS it seems like many of us are in or have been in friendships that arent healthy.
I have been thinking about my own experiences and realized that often I am in unhealthy, unbalanced and exhausting friendships because I am willing to give in 200% for a friend but have often felt that people are not even willing to ask my how I am doing.
I have realized that I have a need to help others and therefore end up considering those I am helping as friends but their view of me is different than my perception of my relation with them.
I therefore think that one should spend time with others and evaluate and judge whether that person is worth being friends with or not…but as I mentioned untill now I have just been in unhealthy relations cuz I jumped into saving the person from their problems and start using my brain cells…I therefore find it difficult to think about what I should focus on…as it seems selfish..but I guess its not…
so how do you guys judge or evaluate people’s personalities? and what makes you keep a friendship?
I make friends on basis of common interest and not on the rating of their commitment towards me. Off course if you find a committed friend in the process there is nothing better than that but I dont "judge" people and then accept and reject based on how they performed on loyalty chart. For that i have family beside me. Although I am lucky to have 3-4 VERY GOOD friends who stood by me during all thick and thins even though I was not expecting them to.
my 2 cents, dont expect, u'll live a healthy life....
I don't 'judge' or 'evaluate' a person prior to embarking on a friendship with them. My instinct usually tells me what sort of person my acquaintance is and whether this is a guy who would have my back in tough times. But these sort of friendship qualities are usually what you associate with the closest of friends and many of my friends are simply friends because we think alike, we click together, we have a similar sense of humour, etc. etc. Usually those people where I don't have to sit back and judge whether they would make good friends are the ones I end up befriending.
***Before you start figuring out ways to judge another person's personlity........FIRST....try to reflect over your own personality and the mistakes that you may be making. You say that you give 200% in relationships....perhaps that's the problem. Why do you feel the need to go overboard....are you seeking approval? I'm not accusing you.....but some self-reflection can be helpful. If there is a pattern of you becoming friends with a certain type of people...try to find the trigger. The reason I say this is because you have greater control over yourself than you do over others.
Secondly, keep your expectations at a reasonable level. I help people on here too.....I'll rack my brain......I might even take the time to do some research on the Internet in the process...........BUT I don't consider everyone that I help a "friend." I think that I'm helpful by nature...but even in real life...I don't count ever single person that I help to be a friend......some of them I consider as acquaintances and I'm okay with that. You can help people...for the joy of it...but understand that helping a person doesn't necessarily make them your friend...and you can do it without expecting anything in return.
It's okay to say "no." It's also okay to postpone helping someone if you have things of your own to do. Don't put your life on hold for another person. As much as people might appreciate the concern.....you may even be indirectly sending the message that you can be taken advantage of. Don't sacrifice your own needs and goals in the process of helping others. Setting boundaries , I feel, is a way to maintain respect in a relationship.
***Another thing to consider is that people "help" and "give" in different ways. Some people may be more "giving" of gifts.....other people may be more giving of their "time." How do you measure which one is better? You may have a friend that struggles with being a good listener....maybe she's not the "hold your hand while you vent" type.....but she may have other ways to try and cheer you up (different from your own). Even in your family...you may find that you and your siblings have different ways of comforting someone when they're upset. Methods of helping and reciprocation can vary. Something to think about. But if you truly feel that someone is rarely there for you....doesn't have anything encouraging or positive to say....disappears when you need support....and is also not around during your good times....then ditch them.
Considering my own situation I have been reflecting over my own personality and what I migght be doing wrong. After I got married and moved to this new city I knew noone. SInce then I have tried hard to find new friends and establish strong friendships.
I have noticed that I am the one ending up doing so much for people while their childhood friends wont bother much. i.e when someone I know got married and was depressed cuz her father had passed away, I ended up planning a chor mehndi for her to make her feel happy and celebrated.
Another friend's father passed away and her mother was in Pakistan so I stayed with her for a few days while her childhood friends came over for a short while and left. while I am not included in her fun activities...her childhood friends are still priority one....
Likewise there are many other examples of how I have been doing stuff and been there for people. I guess I do have a need for approval. that if I am doing more than others than I will have more friends...stupid I know!!!
But at the same time I also try to follow the prophet's sunnah by helping others....I guess I signal to others that they can exploit me..
I have been stupid...and learning from my expereinces...just need to figure out how I should deal with people in future.....
I don't 'judge' or 'evaluate' a person prior to embarking on a friendship with them. My instinct usually tells me what sort of person my acquaintance is and whether this is a guy who would have my back in tough times. But these sort of friendship qualities are usually what you associate with the closest of friends and many of my friends are simply friends because we think alike, we click together, we have a similar sense of humour, etc. etc. Usually those people where I don't have to sit back and judge whether they would make good friends are the ones I end up befriending.
Pretty much what my thoughts on this matter are. I have a really close group of friends (About 20-25 people) who I would do anything on this planet for and I mean that literally. I regard them on the same level as my siblings if not more. Then there's friends else who I hang out with and they mean a lot to me. Then comes everyone else! :) AlhamdliAllah to date, I've never had any trouble with this kinda classification.
I have noticed that I am the one ending up doing so much for people while their childhood friends wont bother much. i.e when someone I know got married and was depressed cuz her father had passed away, I ended up planning a chor mehndi for her to make her feel happy and celebrated.
Another friend's father passed away and her mother was in Pakistan so I stayed with her for a few days while her childhood friends came over for a short while and left. while I am not included in her fun activities...her childhood friends are still priority one....
But at the same time I also try to follow the prophet's sunnah by helping others....I guess I signal to others that they can exploit me..
Look at your post. Look at the example of the mehendi celebration and staying at your friend's house when her family member passed away. You are comparing yourself to what the "other" friends did. "Well I did soooo much and they did squat....I give this much...and they give little"....it can even read as an "I'm better than them." Maybe the other friends show their love in a way that's different from yours. For example, sometimes....giving a friend space and privacy and room to breathe and heal....is a way of showing friendship and understanding.
Let's take the example of staying at your friend's place when her father passed away. A death in the family is a very delicate and sensitive situation....and people deal with it differently. For instance, had it been me.....I don't think I'd want a friend to hang around for a long time....a couple of hours maybe...but not more than that. How do you know that your friend wasn't annoyed (deep down) that you stayed for a longer time? You're a guest....she's not gonna kick you out...but she might have felt that way. Then again, maybe she really did appreciate it. People can sometimes go overboard with the helping...and the person on the receiving end may be too nice to tell you that they're feeling cramped and need space to figure things out on their own. Something to think about. Also, while it was easier for you to arrange a celebration for a friend.....maybe it wasn't easy for the other girls to do the same (be it for financial reasons or whatever). Try not to compare yourself to others....because it can lead to subtle feeling of superiority (I do more than others)....and that might even diminish the reward or sawab that you get for doing a good deed. And also try not to jump to conclusions about people.
Also, I wouldn't say that I have a ton of good friends. I have a very small group of close friends. And it has taken me a long time to get to know them. Maybe you form emotional attachments too quickly and that clouds your judgment. Take it slow...don't rush to get involved in the other person's life....feel em out...get to know them....before even counting them as your "friend." And you don't need to make every person that you encounter a "friend." That shouldn't be your mission. There's nothing wrong with making some people just "acquaintances"...and some should just be kept as that. And if you're trying to follow the Prophet SAW's suggestion of helping others........then keep in mind that his purpose of helping others was to get reward from Allah....and not to get something in return from the person who was helped.
You are very right red velvet. I do get emotional attached to people quickly and therefore end up doing for them what I would do for close friends or family.
My friend who lost her father was home alone with her sister as her mother was in Pakistan so she did feel it was a help not to be home alone....btw, comparing with other people doesnt mean that I think I am better but its when they do all the fun stuff together and dont invite me I get hurt and start comparing..but u r right that ppl have different ways of showing care and love....
in any case its all past now....I just want to learn from my experiences and move on with healthy friendships.
Will take things slowly with new people and get to know them well before I consider them a close friend.....
*I have been following ur posts for a while as i have some things common like you but i tell u your only problem lyes with the word **expectations
Please dont expect any thing from others if u do good to them Allah will give you ajar not the people .
**I know it hurts when they dont call you in happy times but YOUR there for there sad times how much of the SUVAB U earned.
but by getting hurting and talking about your friends will ruin it.
Be cool and think positive and the kind of friend ur searching are usually very difficult to find as its a sort of best friend type.Just chill and keep your self calm like there other friends are.Just spend YOUR happy time with them by inviting them have fum from ur side for ur own sake (being a bit selfish…lol)but this is the way u’ill get happy .
And dont expect from there end .
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hmmm i dont have any strong relationship with my mates. its only limited to hello hi or normal gupshup....i stay away from their matters and keep them away from my matters (haan if they really need help then they can ask and i will help). and thats the reason i am friends with everyone.
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