I am a pretty new member and dont post that much either so plz forgive me if I repeat a topic already discussed in here.
Ok I m 23(old enough to get married, according to my Ammi jaan!) and my parents especially mom is looking for suitable rishtas. Now, lemme give a little background:we moved to the US about 3.5 yrs ago. I liked someone but my parents had a problem with his maslak(no discussions on taht plz) and after that I have pretty much left everything at Allah’s will. I guess my question is how do desi girl(or guys) handle this marriage thing. I personally dont feel comfortable with people who ask for green card holder girls(which I am) since I will always be wondering if the person was attracted by me or the green card. Now my ammi thinks I am being real picky. I basically told her that I want somene who is educated(ofcourse!)and someone who is religious but not extremely conservative at the same time.
My ammi is very conservative and has always stayed at home. I dont think my parents understand what I want. Instead ammi is always worried that I am getting too old and she should hurry up and get me married. I am not in a hurry and would like to get my masters atleast started. And when i told her that, she asked me WHY i want to do my masters??
Now is there anyone else out here in a similiar situation???How do you guys handle that?? Sorry for the long post; i know i talk too much
But just wondering what kind of situation everyone else is in. Again, I am fairly new on this board so forgive me for repeating a thread.
There maybe a few here on gupshup in the same situation but I am sure there are many in the Pakistani community in US/Canada etc. Here are a few tips to handle parents in all matters concerning marriage.
1. Make them realize that you understand where they are coming from. This can be done by talking to them about their own marriage, how it was arranged or that of their brothers & sisters. When they are relating their story, you need not object to it in one way or another but try to "listen" to them. This goes a long way!
They should know that you understand that they are on your side & even though you disagree with them, you know that they are trying to find you the best husband because in their eyes he will be good for you and because they love & care for you. Once they realize that you do understand their worries & your own concerns regarding the matter are genuine & not rebellious, they will be more than willing to give your choice precedence.
Words like "conservative" are too broad. You need a term that is more objective, or that can be measured and best reflect your choice. Similarly, is the case with education. Be explicit when talking to your parents and make sure they understand your ambitions in life, the goals that you have set for yourself and also for your husband.
nice to see u posting here yara you can feel totally comfortable abt posting, we try to maintain a complete family atmosphere here in the family forum
yaar even if someone marries u for ur green card, i dont have a green card or anything but i know how u would feel, but trust me u can meet the person and tell what they r like…just coz green card is part of the reason he is marrying u doesnt mean he wont prove a good husband my two cents…
I personally think k shaadi ke baad bhee masters ho jatay haen if you are sure and you talk to your husband about it beforehand…you know…i know several masters students in my uni yaar who r married…
i think 23 is a good age to get married and can understand ur ammi’s feelings…if there is a good proposal, i think you should go for it yaar…masters bhee hota rahay ga… it all depends on YOU and from what i knwo of you mashallah you can totally do it :k:
those were just my thoughts, but u r ur own person with own feelings and priorities, try to balance everything, including ur ammi’s wishes and take it from there :k:
good luck a dedicated person like u i believe will always get the best in life
I'm sure you will get a lot of good responses here, so I will add something that most people probably wont mention. According to statistics, students who are married while doing their Masters are a lot more successful than unmarried students. If anyone wants to debate this, please be my guest, but not with me. smile
i think theres a fair few guppies here in prob similar situations... i know i am.. :)
everyone has already given really good advice.. i guess its just upto the person to be have enuff courage to discuss this... but u know ur parents more than any of us.. and u know how they will react at all..
i dont see any harm in doing masters.. but i dont think that marriage will stop u from studying further or vice versa.. ur parents are just concerned about u... like all the other parents are for their daughters :) why dont u just get engaged?
as for the green card thingy... yes thats always a bit of an issue in the back of our minds... trust me.. every guy that has proposed from paki (ok there hasnt been that many... but) well their intention has been to come here... therefore ive declined everytime... lekin now, i think about it... i could have said yes.. who knows i may have helped someone out and just cus they want to come here.. dont mean they are a bad person... seriously... dont worry too much acha ... im in the same boat :)
I don’t live in US or Canada nor I have a green card, good for me
But I know how moms are I did blab about how my mom hired someone to find a rishta for me and all, the good part was I proved to be right. That woman turned out to be no good and my mom finally realised that too. Kher things went a totally different way after that and I am just more than happy to have such an understanding mom
My mom’s worried about me and I understand that fully, so if your mom is worried thats nothing big. I mean which mother isn’t? Its just about what approach they take when they are worried
Oh and don’t be shy of talking to your mom about it that helps alot. Let her know clearly what you want, so that she knows where to look too.
,
THanks to everyone who replied. It does mean a lot to me and it also helps to see a situation from some one else’s perspective.
AHmed jee-from all the stories ammi has told abt her getting married to abbu ji, it was totally arranged; they ofcourse never saw each other and her family didnt see if my abbu as rich or not;he only saw that abbu ji is a good person and that was it. So, i guess my actions in this regard are not very welcome to ammi, being bold and what not
irem and sadzz and munni-thanks a lot for replying. Well, the issue is that ammi doesnt have anyone particular in her mind. They did find someone with a good job etc but they wanted to get married this month. That was lil bit too early for me and plus that all green card chakkar(thats the reason they wanted to get married sooner too). Now, i hope i didnt offend any green card holder guys in here but i didnt mean to. It is just a personal thing. I guess i have heard too many horror stories Warna i also have cousins here who are not residents but wonderful people. There was a couple other rishtas but my abbu ji didnt like them so Alhamdulillah i didnt have to decide.
And i guess its true i could study after i get married too. But what if he decided to change his mind abt it after we get married??This is a really big thing for me(and my self esteem ;cant find the winky smily to put here). Ok, before I start writing a book on this, i am gonna punch outta here and go to the singlzz club thread (j/k)
i know just how u feel, omg, do i ever, i'm only 17 but in my family most of the girls got married early regardless of their education, (my mom had her nikkah at 17) and they think of education later (my mom went on to do MBBS) and since the only cousin who didnt get married early is now 29 and eagerly searching for a match and now all the moms are afraid we'll be like that n r ready to get us married off, my sister just got married at the ripe old age of 21,
well last year, my family started looking for rishtas for me as soon as the finished with my sister, n I managed to find something wrong with all the guys, to keep putting the whole thing off, but alas there has to be the one guy who u cant find nething wrong with, n well the short of it is that I'm engaged but i wont marry till i'm done with med school, he agrees with me on that point..
oh yea, watch out for those green card guys, believe me most of them r trouble, i know since being a US citizen you become a magnet for such losers
everyone,
Sorry for the long post; i know i talk too much 
you can feel totally comfortable abt posting, we try to maintain a complete family atmosphere here in the family forum 
a dedicated person like u i believe will always get the best in life 
