I have had a typical inlaw experience after being married for almost three years. The only difference is that I have suffered a lot of the same problems but with my FIL. My MIL passed away before we were married but with the way my FIL behaves, its as if I do have a typical saas living with me anyway. He basically treated me very poorly from the moment I came into to the house. For the past year and a half, I have completely shut down from doing anything in their home (I used to call it my home but I cant even do that anymore). I try and ignore a lot of the things I hear my FIL say about me, but it is really hard to ignore things that really hurt you and not not think about them. I dont have much of a relationship with him anymore, just salam, hows it going type, and then we go our ways. My heart has completely turned off from this man and even though I know hes my husbands father, I can’t even look at him with the same respect or sympathy I once had because of everything he has put me through. I basically want to know, how to get past it. How did you guys learn to cope with a difficult situation, how did you forgive somebody who has really hurt you? Somebody that you dont have the option of cutting out from your life? I feel he robbed me of being able to have a normal marriage, and experiencing marriied life with all its joys of family and happy surroundings. its been nothing but complaints, unhappy, depressing environment and i am so angry that this person broke my spirit and changed my outlook on life and yet he will always be apart of it. i worry because i think about it now and i dont even want my furture kids (inshallah) associating with this person who is supposed to be their grandfather one day. forget about kids though, i dont even want to think about starting a family anymore, not until i can become myself again. but how long will that take?
^ poor you, so sorry for all that you went through.
The best thing to do is to make sure you do namaz and ask allah for guidance, he is the ONLY one who can help, change your heart and your FILs.
Give yourself some time, these kind of scars take time to heal in the meantime try not to over judge yourself or the situation just go with the flow. Anytime you have negative feeling or experience another negative bout do astaghfar. Hope you have supportive social life (both family and frinds) surround yourself with positive people, somehow distract yourself with something that brings you peace and joy.
How is your relationship with your hubby? do you blame him for some of what you experienced? if you do working on having a normal relationship with him will be the first key towards moving forward.
Inshallah things get better with time and patience.
I found that the best way was to turn to Allah and namaz and ask the Almighty to put patience and mercy in my heart for those that have wronged me.
I started reminding myself that I cannot change someone to be the way I would like them to be so I need to rise above it and accept them for who/what they are. This helped me to have mercy/pity for them. Helped me to realize that I was fortunate I could see beyond their sight and avoid the troubled path they were walking.
Ultimately I felt better about myself and learned that I was never going to allow an exterior force to determine how I felt and what I did.
Have you talked to your husband about it? Does he know how bad your relationship with his father is?
I can't imagine how tough this must be and can see it's taken a toll on you. You can pray and ask for strength, but ultimately you have to find a way to get yourself to a stage where the things he says and does, does not affect you negatively. You can then reach a stage where you can just shake your head, roll your eyes, or simply just shrug it off and laugh at the things he does.
I can 100% relate. I could’ve written all that about my MIL/FIL.
I haven’t forgiven my in-laws 100% yet. I’m sure that day will come eventually. May take months. May takes years. I don’t feel any rush to forgive them. In my case, they live in a different state so that helps. For me, time is a major factor when it comes to forgiving people.
My hubby is aware of how his parents treated me and he has supported/defended me from day 1. He has admitted to me many time that his parents have some very screwed up beliefs, and can be irrational/manipulative. I have heard him defend me to his parents several times. For quite a while I hated my in-laws. These days, I’m indifferent towards their existence. I always make sure I’m civil towards them when I visit them OR they visit us…but the relationship is very formal. I don’t feel anything positive towards them but at the same time, their words/actions don’t make me feel either.
Is your husband aware of how you’re treated by the FIL? If so, then what is his reaction to the situation? IMO whether or not you have the support of your husband will make a big difference in if/when you’re able to forgive your FIL.
I don’t think anyone else can tell you how long it will take. But I think it’s a good decision on your part to hold off on having children until you feel ready (I’m on the same boat too).
You are giving this one person too much "influence" on your mood and your life. Don't let his negative ways impact your life. No one should have that much control over your life, mood etc.
Thanks guys for your words of support and advice. Some days are good where I have to much on my mind to care about what hes thinking/saying/doing. Other days I feel like going up to him and screaming, possibly even punching him in the stomach lol (kidding..kind of.) Paheli, I think we are living PARALLEL lives! Seriously! My husband, like yours ALHUM. has been supportive from the beginning. At first he would have a hard time believing it but he NEVER once doubted what I was telling him either, it all slowly came to the surface when his dad started talking to the community and to his Khala (who is also my Mumani and put this rishta together) and things started to get back to him. Hes knows about everything, how I feel. We’ve had a couple of “family interventions” with family and some of their close friends in the community who found out about what was going on but it has not helped. My FIL is a stubborn personality and somebody who is VERY VERY old school, so those “my way or the highway types.” I can probably say that the worst of it is all over now. I am continuing my life the best that I can with out trying to put so much emphasis on this one person and his actions towards me. Part of me feels guilty sometimes for this man and his situation, but not enough to say I can ever forgive him (atleast not rightnow). My husband and I will now be moving out of State by the end of the year and I think thats the part I feel guilty about because my FIL will not be moving with us. I feel like we are kind of leaving him behind, even though he can not move with us, but I feel if I had not come into the picture, these people would be living so much easier! Maybe he would have got the kind of daughter in law he had expected and wouldn’t be blaming me for taking his son away. Obviously this move is ALL my plan (oh and my mothers) for plotting against him. At the same time I feel relief because I feel I might be able to get some of that time lost with my husband and be able to focus on our goals for our future and future family. Even with his understanding and support it has still put a lot of strain on our marriage because its so hard to be normal on a day to day basis when your still living breathing that environment. Im thinking this change will be the only thing that will help us get back to normal? But I am not sure if I will still be able to forgive and forget that easily.
U don't need to forgive him, don't feel guilty. This man has lived his life, now it's ur turn to live your life. He is a selfish man and deserves to be alone. He could potentially destroy ur marriage, don't let him do that. Just do the bare minimum for him n look forward n plan about finally being free from this deranged man.
You should not forgive anyone who does not sincerely ask for forgiveness. It has no significance.
Know that he is a jerk. That ain't nothing you can do about it. Tolerate him to preserve your sanity. Make a life with your husband. Distance yourself from this negative person.
The longer you hold on to these emotional issues the longer will hurt yourself. Keep yourself occupied with positive things, only you yourself can change this situation, I mean for yourself as to how you perceive anymore negativity from your FIL etc
Please dont feel guilty about leaving him behind, sometimes the distance is necessary, to have a good relationship. May be your FIL had it too easy and he took everything you did and your presence for granted. May be he will realize once yo guys moved out what he is missing out on.
I don't think its possible to forgive things that make such a huge impact in our lives. Especially if you're living them on a day to day basis. I would simply do what Muzna said...prayer helped me deal with a lot of those negative feelings. It helps you let things go and calm down. The change coming in your life is a good one...maybe its a blessing being sent your way from Allah swt. A sign that He will give you what you want in due time but just try to hang in there.
That’s GREAT! :k: If you were stuck living with the FIL permanently…then it’s a whole different situation. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you.
I believe that we have a responsiblity to treat our in-laws with respect and be nice to them. But the responsibility for major life decisions that effects them (moving out of state in your case) lies on their children (ie. our husbands). So if you husband is content with the decision to move, then there is no reason for you to feel guilty. Its not like you held a gun to his head and forced him into it. As a grown adult, your hubby is fully capable of doing what he thinks is best for his father. Don’t put unnecessary emotional burden on yourself.
As for “what if’s”…there is no way to tell what could’ve happened if your husband married someone else. Yes, maybe the FIL might have loved that bahu and things would’ve been peachy. On the other side, maybe your hubby might have ended up with a real “you-know-what” who would’ve been abusive towards the FIL and made your husband’s life a living hell. So yea…no point in thinking about what could’ve been if you weren’t in the picture.
I think the move will definitely help. Not having to deal with a toxic enviornment on a daily or even weekly basis will be good for your mental heath which in turn will help your marriage. I would tell you to do the exact same thing I told Nadz in her thread. Become indifferent towards your FIL. And if you want to start a family in a year or two…then think about that too and get yourself in the best shape of your life. Stay focused on the move and think about all the positive things it can/will do for you and your marriage. Don’t worry about forgiving FIL right now. If you forgive him, it will happen naturally without you actually having to worry about it. Stay focused on yourself and your husband.
either.
