How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

Lifestyle Relationships
, , , ,
21

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

Anna. Youre correct.. I think I'm just overthinking everything.. But you know when you've been in a house it's like a nest you don't want to get out of.. It's the same monotonous routine that you get used to of.. I feel it'd miss that in a heart breaking way not thay I won't be able to survive but never feel at home again.

22

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

Life is not a monotonous routine, there's change at every step in life and that's something to always look forward to. I've lived on my own since I was 18 (for school) and am extremely close to my family but I've never really felt sad because there's so much to keep you busy with!

23

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

@badabing means whether you are marrying someone who just arrived from Pakistan to the Western World. But he doesn't know that you live in Pakistan and are getting married there, at least that's what I think.

Don't worry. Besides your in laws you will also have your husband. Think about him as well and the good times ahead. I know its hard but I promise when you visit your own home in the future, you will miss your new home, IA.

[quote="newbee13, post:261, topic:337504"]

Indo need to grow up and move on.. Im jus not able to find the courage to.. Hence I'm here. Everytime I'm sad and crying my sister tells me how lucky I am to have a loving husband. Caring in laws..no financial stress.. But still I'm sad deep inside.
Yes it's his first marriage and mine too if that's what you meant./QUOTE]

24

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

They're just trying to normalize it for you so you don't feel like this is something terrible that's happening. And they've also been through this before so realize that life does change - for the better though.

This is very very very normal.

On my rukhsati day, I cried so much my husband's friend's son asked out of the blue "uff, ye kitna royengi?" Everyone laughed...but I was a mess and never in a million years would have believe anyone that told me you'll be fine.

But you will be. This is how things are supposed to be and for good reason.

25

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

I get that after marriage the woman has to move on to her new family. That's how life is. It's the job of the son or other siblings to care for the aging parents but if every son and daughter moved on then what happens to the aging parents. Yes move on to a bright future with the husband and new parents.

I can see why it's hard for her.

But the 25 yrs that she spent with her family should mean something. Her parents are old so who will take care of them? I'm sure she's worried about that. I would feel like i'm abandoning them as well.

26

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

You're not abandoning your parents by getting married. You need to move along in that natural progression because if you don't (and you wish to), you'll blame them for it later on.

The thing is...with transitions people adjust. Parents become empty nesters and start to focus on different things in their lives. I felt like I was leaving my mom and dad behind and the guilt was really bad at first. But this is also necessary so you can feel your parents' issues as well.

After moving out, I spent more time with them than I did living with them...by that I mean quality time. Not time under the same roof. After moving out, I started pushing them to do fun things for themselves...before I never thought about this. After becoming a mom, I realize what my mom must have gone through.

How involved you stay with your parents is entirely dependent on you...how deeply you feel your responsibilities and how committed you are to making this new life work. Where there's a will, there's a way.

27

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

You are over thinking. Why would they stop you from visiting your parents or any other relative for that matter. i assume from your posts that they are nice people. All you need to do is just let your FIL know that you are leaving to see your parents. Waisey i don't think FIL s are normally interested to know where DILs are going, just relax.

28

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

When you get married, please don't ever think that you're no longer your parents' daughter. You always will be. You will learn how to balance out life. Don't apologize if you wish to visit your parents. Sensible husbands are perfectly alright with that. As far as in laws are concerned, they cannot replace your parents and should not. They have their own place and respect. Don't overlap roles. It's not easy but eventually, you will get used to marriage. That's how it is by design. Good luck and have positive expectations. :)

29

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

You will be quiet surprised guddi..quiet surprised. There are parents who would stop DIL to visit her parents. But at the same time, DIL should be able to balance between inlaws and her parents. In the beginning of marriage, it is quiet natural for woman to miss her parents..and i think husband should be reasonable enough to take her to her parents. And the life goes by, things become normal eventually.

Khair i pray OP that may Allah bless you in your marriage. And remember any conflict you may have, try to solve with your husband. Do not involve parents into matters too much after marriage. They just get overly worried. That's how they would be. They will never change.

30

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

Change is always daunting, but it doesn't take long to get used to new routine. You've been dealing with change all your life; going from elementary to middle and middle to high school and possibly changing jobs. Yep, it's scary, but ahista se you will become accustomed to new surroundings. Enjoy every moment you have with your parents and siblings. No matter where you move, they will always be there for you. And when you move in with your in-laws, give those new rishtay your best effort too.

31

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

thank you all.. i am trying to apply all the wise words into my life..
Xtron shud i avoid including both sides of the parents? i will obviously never want anyone coming in the middle.. but ill have to admit that there have been 2-3 fights of mine in which i asked my mother in law to speak to my husband who was being unreasonable to me.

Niksik .. can u please tell me how i can politely tell them that i need to meet my parents? currently i dont know how things wil be but my fil jokes with me about telling my parents bye bye and how they will be my new parents.. and unko bas khuda hafiz kardo.
i do smile and laugh like he does on it.. but how would he feel if i tell his son to say goodbye to them and he;ll be mine?? thats not a good approach to go by..

disclaimer: i have a habit of overthinking, and this overthinking gives me constant diarrhea but i wish i could control my stress...

32

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

newbee - Ours was a love marriage too, and despite the fact that I spent just 2 weeks in my in-laws' place after marriage, I was overwhelmed and missed my parents' home like crazy. I was shocked at how much I missed it actually, given that hubby and I were going to have our own home here in the US, and I had been away from my parents for a few years by then anyway. So I think what you're feeling is completely normal. Just take it one day at a time, and like others have said, it does get better.
Re. meeting your parents after you move in with your IL's: always remember that you can set the tone for any relationship. If you need to see your parents once a week, talk to your hubby, and start doing that from the get-go. Your ILs may complain initially, but do it often enough, and they will not think much about it. You have every right to meet your parents and you don't really need anyone's permission to do that. You can argue and fight for this, but everyone will be much happier if you're nice about it, and show some flexibility as well.

33

Re: How did you guys feel the way I do? How did you move on?

Ouch.