one of my friend adopted a girl from her brother in law.actually they had 4 girls ,so they decided to give one baby,right after the birth to their brother as my friend was unable to have hers even after 7 yrs of marriage.now their beeti is 12 yrs old ,but the problem arises ,when one her cousin told her that my parents are ur real parents and ur real mom is not ur mom:smack:
its been 2 days that the child is in hospital,as she is very sensitive and couldnt take this harsh truth.on the other hand my friend is crying like crazy:(she didnt expected this would happen as they always thought of her as their real daughter.now her husband says that they should tell the truth to their daughter ,so that she knows it instead of getting it out from other person.
so my question is now how they can tell her the truth ,will she accept it???uuufff why people go for adoption in their families ,why cant they adopt it from outside,atleast outside the secret can remain a secret.this news is a big shock for me,i wonder what will it be for the kid:(
Re: How can she tell her daughter,that she is not her real daughter???
I hope and pray that the little girl gets well soon Insha Allah !
I think the parents shd tell her the truth because now she has some sort of idea and by lying to her now would be wrong. She is deeply affected by knowing this truth let her not go thru the same thing agan and right now if her adopted parents will lie to her and when in future she will get to know the truth she might loose the love and respect for them.
The damage that has been done cannot be undone , she knows the truth now . What said has been said and whats done is done , all that cannot be changed.
I am sure with the love and care her adopted parents has raised her she will understand the situation . I am sure no child esp a girl can forget her parents . She is hurt and she will upset for sometime but then she will accept it.
But I am sure she will have many WHYS to ask from her biological parents !
Re: How can she tell her daughter,that she is not her real daughter???
Well , news as such is bound to cause a shock , no matter what age the individual is.
The parents should be honest with the girl, reassure her of their love and carry on to do it until the news sinks in , so she doesnt feel left out , dejected ...
Yes it may seem hard to absorb the reality, but in majority cases the child will ultimately turn to his parents (not biological ones ) and accept them for the love they have given to him over the years.
Infact , in adoption cases, unless there is a good reason to hide the adoption, the child must be told at a reasonable age for this very reason that they dont find out the wrong way.
In short, this is not a very serious situation, it can easily be handled by being honest and constant reassurance of love towards each other from both parties ( parents and her ) and patience to get through the time whilst the news sinks in ....
Are you kidding me??? How stupid and selfish can a person be??? Even animals get treated better then this!! Why should it remain a secret??? So she doesn’t no where her DNA comes from??? SO when she grows up and is trying to have kids, she is giving the wrong famillyy history??? This mentality is disgusting.
And I don’t even know on how many levels, but this has to be soo wrong in Islam!!
Of course she was gonna find out one day, . I’m sure they did this to “keep her safe,” well what a great job!!!
But now my question is why are they STILL being soo stupid and selfishh? They need to tell her the truth straightforward,instead of coming up with a game plan. And apologize for the past, and then give her, her space! It might take her 1 month or 2 years, but she is gonna have to deal with this mistake of her parents own her own! But the good thing is that since I’m sure they were good parents overall, she will come back to them one day emotionally. It would have been much better if she was told gradually. But for right now her entire world is going to be upside down, and there will be nothing that anyone can do, this is her fight!
It’s the parents’ fault for not telling her in the first place, the truth had to be revealed eventually, unfortunately it wasn’t in the right circumstances but oh well.
They should not tell her that she is not their "real" daughter, because she is their daughter and their bond is real by all means. She may not be their biological offspring but they raised her from her birth and that is the most real part of this parent child realtionship. After this sad episode with the family they should definately talk to her and tell her that she is their child and they love her and no matter who gave birth to her she is their daughter.
That's true actually. You don't just become a parent by conceiving children and giving birth. It's loving your children and trying to understand them that makes you a real parent.
Thats sad but you can never make it a secret if you adopt a child especially in family.I agree with Icono and mom of 3 that she should get shrink's help with a help of parents also.
Re: How can she tell her daughter,that she is not her real daughter???
Reassure her constantly and make sure she is told with the help of a child psychologist.
Other then that, kids shouldnt be told like this...as a surprise. Why did the birth mother tell her children about this in the first place? Is this something to say to a kid??? Of COURSE it would get out at some point between the children and create a fiasco like this. How irresponsible of people!
i was also thinking on the same terms,well updates are that she is not talking to anyone:(12 is not a mature age well my friend told me that it was decided among the families that THIS IS A SECRET and nobody will reveal it.the whole blame goes on the mother who told her other daughter the whole story.my friend is also very upset and she told me that the adoption took place on the term that NO ONE will ever mention the truth and they gave the baby cause they were fedup of girls.this was their 4th daughter.
aahhh people and their stupid decisions.i,myself is getting confuse .
wow, give ur child away b/c ur fed up with her gender....
lovely family indeed.
Unfortunately I have heard and know of 1 or 2 similar stories like this. One aunti we know had a 5th daughter and her BIL could not have kids. So they offered their BIL to adopt the 5th daughter.....similar circumstances it seems. Whatever their reasons were, the BIL raised and loved the child as if it's his own. Same with adoptive mother, gave her everything. Mashallah now she is in college with plans of med school, and NOW the biological mother (who moved back to paki few years ago) is having a fit & a half and blew up the whole your my daughter, not theirs...and lot's of vicious attacks on BIL and his wife...etc. She wants her biological daughter "back" & is making it all hell for everyone. This wasnt even a forced adoption etc....so whatever is causing the change of heart like 22 years later....beats me. She is the one who insisted to give BIL her 5th daughter as they had "too many girls". I am not sure but I think the girl knew from young about her adoption, but loves her mother - the one who raised her & wouldnt leave her for anything in the world. Regardless the parents r totally stressed out. If one must adopt, I am totally against adopting from a relative......why not raise an orphan and get sawab.
Re: How can she tell her daughter,that she is not her real daughter???
OMG, the poor child! Goodness knows how she must be feeling.. WHY are people so stupid and insensitive? You give your daughter away to a relative b/c your fed up of girls (wow, i still can't get over this part) and then tell your kid the whole story for them to go and blab it out. Shame on the real parents, couldn't they atleast keep their gobs shut?!
Also, was your friend and her hubby planning on telling the girl themselves? If so, when? Kids nowadays are pretty alert at 12. From what I have heard, I may be wrong, but you HAVE to tell the kid your adopting that they are not your blood. (Someone correct me if I'm wrong).
I hope the girl recovers soon, Insh'Allah and that her parents are going to make her feel like she is STILL their daughter, no matter who gave birth to her.
12 yrs old ,but the problem arises ,when one her cousin told her that my parents are ur real parents and ur real mom is not ur mom:smack:
. I’m sure they did this to “keep her safe,” well what a great job!!!
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well my friend told me that it was decided among the families that THIS IS A SECRET and nobody will reveal it.the whole blame goes on the mother who told her other daughter the whole story.my friend is also very upset and she told me that the adoption took place on the term that NO ONE will ever mention the truth and they gave the baby cause they were fedup of girls.this was their 4th daughter.