My sone is 8, nearly 9 and has still not managed to complete his 1st reading of the Qu’ran. He has mild special needs at school because he lacks focus and cannot concentrate on school work. Overall, his progress is good, he’s keen to learn but like most boys his age, he is easily distracted by football and the usual hobbies. I am a single mum so with my kids ‘tarbiyyat’ as they are on different levels of reading the Qu’ran, I struggle to get him to read sometimes. Most of the times he is OK. I don’t want to send him to Islamic school as I have my own personal reasons. I can educate him a home etc given time and encouragement etc.
Here is the real problem.
His cousin (my padija) is a few weeks younger than him and had his ‘Ameen’ early this year and now there is his ‘party’ coming up. I promised him a gift of his choice and now my son feels left out as he wants one too. I have explained numerous times that he must also complete his first reading and we will celebrate too with a party. These two little boys don’t get on that well as there are always personality clashes and we don’t meet up that often.
I know for a fact that at this party, people will compare these two boys and will ridicule my son for not accomplishing this great task and he will feel left while my nephew basks in the glory (and its his right too, I’m very proud and happy for him)
How can I get my son to put aside his feelings of jealousy and my feelings of failure?
I don't get this competition when it comes to finishing the Quran and who finished it earlier. For whatever reason, I finished my Quran very late in my life, comparitively. I expected a big party as well, but my parents just gave me like 10 bucks I think :p and said you didn't finish the Quran to get a party, you finished it because it's a requirement for you as being a Muslim.
Since you said your son has special needs, you need to pace him according to his needs, and not according to what the norm is. The norm for him doesn't apply anymore.
There are a few issues here. First, I don't think you have failed as a mother. Like you said, your child has different needs and you're trying your hardest. You need to make it clear to your relatives, that they need to back off, your child is going to finish his Quran when it's right for him, and he's going to do it for himself, and not to show off to people. There is no need for others to make you or your son feel worse for something highly spiritual as finishing the Quran at least once.
Second, you can throw your son a little party, for his next accomplishment, whether it be academic or extra-curricular. He will get an ameen party (if you guys choose to do so), but meanwhile, because he got an excellent grade in a class, or he won his next soccer game (values that you want to instill in him, not necessarily just any achievement), that will get him a party, and you can get him that special gift then.
**i would rather concentrate on child's READING the Qur'aanic text and it's translation and later in life introduce UNDERSTANDING of the Qur'aan.
FINISHING the Qur'aan is NOT REQUIRED! i have NOT finished Qur'aan myself in it's traditional sense. i have of course read the entire Qur'aan several times over.
let ur child READ the Qur'aan DAILY at his own pace and let him also read the meaning through translations.**
agree with murgi comments.
I was not as good as my elder sister when it came to studies, extra curricular stuff and relatives, teachers would compare me with her all the time. For some reason I dont remember that it bothered me much though. But it can bother some kids so why compare.
You should tell your son before attending the party that his cousin is going to get all those gifts and compliments but he should not feel bad because not everyone needs to finish Quran at a specific age like a school grade.
Also agree with second suggestion in the same comment
I think he is fine, my son just finished his quran a few months before his 10th birthday and other kids are still on various stages of reading the quran. Of course, there are some who have finished it too, but really, I would think my son is on the higher side of average. Once your son has done 10 siparas fluency kicks in and Insha Allah he shall be able to finsih soon. The Ameen party was a big motivator for my son, he would read the quran with me almost everyday and making up the lost days by reading extra pages. Oh we also did the translation though we still have to finish that part as we fell behind.
Heera, Your son is different. There is no denying that. The key is that you do not give in to the sense of shame and competition you are feeling. Because HE will pick up on it. It is one thing for other people to feel that you do not measure up. But if is a completely different thing for your own family -- especially your mother -- to feel this way. You can't spend your life trying to race to the finish of everything. Success is not defined by how fast you finish the Quran, graduate school, etc etc. It is defined by what you learn and what you do with your knowledge and talents. It's about quality, not quantity. You have to change your approach. Your attitude will determine his.
Your son will finish reading Quran at his own pace there is no competition going on though I can understand that being a kid he can feel bad about not finishing reading the Quran as yet. I have been a very good student all my life and have alhamdolillah done well in my professional studies and career too yet I was slow like your son when it came to Quran reading. All my cousins finished reading before I did. There was no such trend to do a Ameen or Bis millah in my family but it does happen in many many families. Try to work on your son and make his cousin's ameen as a motivating factor for him. Encourage him & try to give him confidence.
I have cheap parents.