My little cousin got married 3 yrs ago to a guy from a rich influential family. It was a love marriage. About a year ago, this guy declared that he is no longer interested in my cousin and openly started seeing another woman. Now he doesn’t even talk to my cousin, is away at nights and she only sees him in the morning.
The guy’s father too had an affair and he left his first wife (=cousin’s MIL) and is now settled abroad with the 2nd woman. Cousin’s MIL has pampered her son beyond belief. She sees nothing wrong in what her son is doing and accuses my cousin of not being worthy enough to deserve him (!!!).
Everyone around can see that this is a hopeless case. But my cousin still believes that she can reform her husband. She is the dutiful wife - cooking his favorite meals, dressing up for him etc. He doesn’t even give her a second look, and insults her in front of anyone around.
I feel so helpless to see her like this! How can we make her see the reality?
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
say for example - its like banging your head against the wall and getting hurt
one way is to have one big bang instead of 10 medium ones - quick and more painful
now the creativity in this already worse case is 0 what can be a big bang?
My little cousin got married 3 yrs ago to a guy from a rich influential family. It was a love marriage. About a year ago, this guy declared that he is no longer interested in my cousin and openly started seeing another woman. Now he doesn't even talk to my cousin, and is away at nights and she only sees him in the morning.
The guy's father too had an affair and he left his first wife (=cousin's MIL) and is now settled abroad with the 2nd woman. Cousin's MIL has pampered her son beyond belief. She sees nothing wrong in what her son is doing and accuses my cousin of not being worthy enough to deserve him (!!!).
Everyone around can see that this is a hopeless case. But my cousin still believes that she can reform her husband. She is the dutiful wife - cooking his favorite meals, dressing up for him etc. He doesn't even give her a second look, and insults her in front of anyone around.
I feel so helpless to see her like this! How can we make her see the reality?
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
Gaia & Jhanjariya: Yeah ultimately she has to realize it herself. It's just so hard to see her getting hurt like this! She has lost about 10 kgs in the process.
I could strangle her hubby with my bare hands. It is incredible how arrogant he is - his explanation about the affair is "I am tired of her". Like she is a TV show he got bored of and start watching something else!
At least there are no kids in the picture..
SK - not sure what you mean. Are you saying we should wait for her hubby to do something really really hurtful and hope she realizes then??
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
She won't be willing to listen to anyone, and will want to try every possibility to make her marriage work. Even though the world will tell her it is a no-hope situation, it just won't be enough for her to see the actual situation she's in. Therefore, the best you can do is support her, and when she does eventually see reality, then be there for her. No saying 'I told you so'.
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
You can't "make" her believe something that her mind is not open to considering. You said that she cooks his meals for him, dresses up for him, etc. While there is nothing unusual about these things....is it possible that perhaps she's too much of a doormat? I only bring this up because sometimes we may unknowingly engage in behaviors that put people off. Of course, this is not a justification for cheating on your partner.
If bending over backwards to please him is not making a difference, she can try doing the opposite....as in having more of her own life/being more independent/not being so available or accessiable to him all the time. I think taking a break from him might help her sort out her thoughts and put things in perspective for her. The absence might make him miss her.... OR.... he may not care at all. The only reason I put forth this suggestion is because she's adamant about making her marriage work. Even if he does realize his mistake, there's the chance he may repeat it again....and it's hurtful to relive that experience time and time again.
So, that's why I feel that she needs to ...for some time....remove herself from the situation and sort out her thoughts/consider possibilities and consequences/and figure out what she wants to do with her life. It could be that when she comes back and notices that her absence made not a dent in her husband's attitude...she'll realize that she has nothing left to salvage. But stepping back for some time can be good/healthy for her.
You've tried reasoning with her to no avail. How about suggesting a temporary change of scenery to her?
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
Also, if you've tried to reason with her....you've done your part. Sometimes too much interference (even if it's with good intentions) won't make a difference....until the person is given space and time to process the situation that they're in. How much time that will take....who knows? But leaving a person alone might speed up that process cuz it allows for greater introspection. It's a sad situation and I hope things fall into place for your cousin soon.
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
^ You're spot on RV. I feel bad saying this, but she is kind of a doormat. When she found out about the affair, she started being more and more clingy. It is NOT helping. He has clearly washed his hands off her. Her MIL and others in the family are just following his example. I am sure she gets no respect whatsoever in that family. Yet, she tries to please them all the time to make it work.
Her mom has tried to reason with her and tell her that she needs to stand up for herself and act with more dignity. Her parents are willing to support her all the way if she decides to get a divorce. But it has to be HER decision.
I'll try suggesting that she takes a break from him, gather her thoughts and just face things and think about her future.
Mirch - You are right. She is being delusional. But it's so hard to just watch someone you love getting treated like that.
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
No one can help a woman that cannot and won't help herself.
There will come a time when she sees her real worth but until that time...just be a good friend to her. Do not leave her side because that will only hurt her more. At a time when she is so lonely...the only thing that might snap her out of this is you.
I don't think you can do much for her aside from this. Maybe a girls' vacation, distractions, time away but that's about it.
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
does she have a BS or BA degree, getting a job that would earn her some money of own would make her see that there are good, decent people out there in the world and that she doesnt need to be treated like this.
plus it would be something that would be only hers and that would make her feel good about herself. she needs that much needed self confidence and self respect.
it's that fear of being alone and how society might see her that's making her be this way.....you know her better than anybody here, is that why she's accepting the doormat status?
i like what Reha said along with others, just being there for her is the most important thing b/c any other actions for such a person might seem intrusive in their family affairs. even if you're her friend you are an outsider in all this
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
My little cousin got married 3 yrs ago to a guy from a rich influential family. It was a love marriage. About a year ago, this guy declared that he is no longer interested in my cousin and openly started seeing another woman. Now he doesn't even talk to my cousin, is away at nights and she only sees him in the morning.
The guy's father too had an affair and he left his first wife (=cousin's MIL) and is now settled abroad with the 2nd woman. Cousin's MIL has pampered her son beyond belief. She sees nothing wrong in what her son is doing and accuses my cousin of not being worthy enough to deserve him (!!!).
Everyone around can see that this is a hopeless case. But my cousin still believes that she can reform her husband. She is the dutiful wife - cooking his favorite meals, dressing up for him etc. He doesn't even give her a second look, and insults her in front of anyone around.
I feel so helpless to see her like this! How can we make her see the reality?
I feel so sorry for your cousin. You havent said which country they live in? I know you said it was a marriage of liking but were there any close relatives involved who took part in arranging it? Is there chance they could be involved to sort it out and show the man and his mother some sense?
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
Thanks for the advice everyone.
Nisha - she does work. She is doing okay money-wise.. not great, but she earns enough to be self sufficient. She has turned into a doormat because I think she still loves him and also she's terrified of being alone after all these years. I kinda get that.. she has had an easy life so far, with doting parents and family; and she's just never had to face a problem of this magnitude before. I know that's no excuse, but she is confused and scared, and is clinging on to this guy against all advice.
Edo123 - she lives in india. Yes, both her family and his family were involved in planning and arranging the marriage. It was a love marriage, but both families wholeheartedly agreed with the match. My uncle and aunt (=cousin's parents) are willing to talk to the guy and her in-laws, but she is not ready to let them do so. She feels it will only make matters worse :(
As others have said.. I guess nobody can help her unless she accepts reality.
Re: How can I help my cousin deal with her husband's affair
There are people who dont even get that kind of love, and this guy is shamelessly wasting it away on some other girl he's making an idiot of.
On a subconscious level, he's probably acting out as psychological grief over knowing his dad did the same thing. Not healthy. Psychos. Psycho family. Again. A pattern - a LOT of families like this out there, and girls get married into them. I mean, if girls do the same exact thing - FORGET IT...NO RISHTAS for that girl. She is outcast.
Please explain to me why guys dont get treated the same way? I bet even if she leaves him, he'll be remarried within 1 year.
Dozakhi men. Dozakhi men. No shame. Then sit there and cry on the day of hajj after you do all this crazy nonsense to people. That makes a lot of sense.
