How can I help a friend...

Lifestyle Relationships
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who’s rapidly straying away from Islam?

I’ve spoken about her here before (from a young age she was sexually abused by her father) and over the last six months or so she has been getting her life back on track, or so I thought. I do not claim to be a perfect Muslim, nor do I preach to others about the way they should lead their lives, but her recent behaviour has really shocked me. She moved out of her family home, and into a flat with a few friends, she was always a good Muslim, read namaz, read the Quran and avoided things that she knew as Muslims we are not supposed to do. I mean she was even considering not pressing charges against her father because, in her own words – she thought it was a sin, and as a Muslim she did not want to hurt her parents. But now she’s started drinking, engaging herself in sexual activities and wearing clothes that I would never in a million years think she would.
Is this all just because she has the freedom now she didn’t have a few months back? I know what is right and what is wrong in Islam, and as a result of her behaviour I’m actually distancing myself from her, which I don’t want to do. I can’t imagine being in her situation, the poor girl has gone through a lot, but the last thing I want her to do is alienate herself from her religion too.

How can I help her get on the right path again? Is it my place to say something?

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Re: How can I help a friend...

I can so relate to this however I did not venture into the drinking etc etc. I did start to stray because of physical abuse as well. It took some time but I sorted myself out. I think give her some space and time.

Is she close to you?

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Re: How can I help a friend...

I think the best way to help her is to befriend her and invite her to do things with you. At least that way you know that she isnt going to be doing something else that is haraam. If she is surrounded by loving supportive people, it really helps alot.

Do you have any family, eg. parental role models for her that could also help? Maybe she just needs the love of a father figure or someone else that treats her like she wanted to be treated?

Sometimes, its easier to do the wrong thing to compensate for the void in ones life. Support her, talk to her and hopefully she will maybe start to reveal what she wants in life.

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Re: How can I help a friend...

the dark past is coming and hunting her, let her do what she wanna do for a while, in the meantime be in contact with her all the time. Slowly and steady .. try to take her away from current habits.

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KP,

It is said that girls who were molested in their youth either tend to be sexually promiscuous or they develop a phobia towards physical intimacy. So, the sexual abuse in her past is playing a role in her current behavior. Have you ever watched the Lindsay Lohan movie called "Georgia Rule"? The movie is about the effects of childhood sexual abuse on a teenage girl.

Is she currently living with non-muslims? Perhaps her company is having an effect over her. Also, people who have strong iman/faith to begin with are not easily swayed by others who don't share their religion. Your friend needs your support.

It's good that she has moved out. Praise her for being strong enough to get away from her morally degenerate father and establishing an independent lifestyle for herself. But encourage her to find roomates that will be more conducive to developing her iman. In other words encourage her to move in with Muslim room mates. Spend as much time as you can with your friend. And guide her.....gently....without judging her. Tell your friend that she's a beautiful and intelligent girl who deserves a good and decent guy.....and that she shouldn't willingly allow herself to be taken advantage of by guys who have little respect for her and have no interest in commiting to her.

If your friend is of marriagable age, then help her meet nice Muslim guys who have a good reputation. Take her to Muslim social events. But don't limit your intereaction with her ONLY to Muslim gatherings. Also, hang out with her at the movies, the mall, etc. You don't want to come across as preaching to her because she'll feel as though she's being judged. She's very lucky to have such a caring friend in you. Try your best in being there for her :)

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Re: How can I help a friend...

We were close, but when she moved out she started spending more time with the people around her, who she lived with. They're all goray so I guess she just started doing what they do.

My mum wanted me to cut down contact with her because she didn't want me to get involved too much in her situation, especially with it being a court case etc etc as a mother she was just trying to look out for me. Regardless of this I still spent a lot of time with her, she fell ill a few times I spent time with her in hospital without telling my mum. So really going to speak to my mum will just result in her saying it's not your poblem, just back off.

But I feel as a muslim I have a responsibility towarrds her, to help her. But the problem is I can only be around her during the day, I'm home for no later than 7pm everyday, and obviously if she's going out clubbing thats done after that time. Her 'white' friends obviously wont stop her because for them this is the norm. She hasn't told me any of this directly, I guess she herself is ashamed of her actions but have found out through other friends, seen pictures etc.
How do I bring it up with her without making her feel I'm invading her life?

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it is your place to talk to her about it if shes close to u and u care for her. however, yes she has just found freedom, so yes she will venture out, do things even she would never have thought she would do. i would say, u should talk to her about it but only once, and dont try to pressure or persuade her. instead talk to her openly, more like a friend giving information to her about things instead of demanding her to do something. shes making her own decisions now, the only thing u can do is guide her, not pressure her or else u will lose a friend as well.

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it is not ur place to stop her from going to clubs. if u try to stop her, she will most likely start yelling at u and kick u out of her life and u both will not be friends anymore. just tell her u saw her pics specially if its on fb, its not a big deal.
u definitely should not preach to her or pressure her to stop. like i said before, u can only guide her, only she can make the decision as to stop or not.

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Ditto

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Gr8 Mashwara.

Wht r u doing ?
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Kurri I can understand your's and your moms concern both are right but you have to convince your mom that she has to involve to bring her back to the norms.

That girl need help morally, may be money wise, guidance. Ask your parents and other elders to involve. Tell ppl in mosque to send ladies to her who would try to bring her back.

Try to listen and ask about her pain. You ever heard the song "main to peeta hoon ghum bhulanay ko".

She desperately need love, hugs and lots of attention and guidence. It all muslims responsiblity to bring her back to normal.

Ask her or help her in finding place where muslims live not gorays. Share her pain.

Wht r u doing ?