How can I get my mum to BACK OFF!!!!!????

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi everyone,

I hope your all well. It's me again...with another life problem. This place is starting to become therapeutic for me.

SO, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have had periods of being bigger and smaller (but the smallest I ever was was a size 12 - 14 and even that is considered big by normal standards). I have the typical desi gut problem - all my weight goes straight onto my stomach so I might look (I am overweight and I acknowledge this so this isn't an excuse but context) even bigger than someone who the same weight as me.

My whole life I have been told I am fat, fat, fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I need to loose weight, and you all know how ruthlessly blunt and mean desi people can be. I have grown to ignore it and just be because no matter how hard I feel I am trying I can't keep the weight off. It has taken me years to realise it isn't just a physical problem but it is also a mental problem. Because I join the gym, I buy the books, I join the groups, I buy healthy food, I meal prep - I do it all but after some time I just give up or stop trying. I do not view myself, in everyday life, as fat. I have somehow mentally convinced myself I look fine and am skinny - but then I will see myself in a mirror and just turn away. I don't want to see myself.

I'm already a gym member (but barely go, and when I do it's like once a week) and recently I started to do therapy so I can figure out what my problem is. To understand myself more. I've also signed up for a local health clinic to help me, but that appointment is far away in September. I don't know how to find the motivation and seriousness in myself to do this properly. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I have 0 confidence, no support at home (getting to that soon) and everyone around me (friends and family) are all slim and beautiful and I just feel like the ugly whale of the family. I am the 'funny one', the 'friend' and nothing else. I don't feel confident to date to see rishta's because my mum has convinced me to that no one will want to marry a fat girl.

Now onto my mum, I don't know what to do. Let me preface this with - I know everything she says and does is from a place of LOVE but it is getting KILLING me mentally. All day, everyday, non-stop she talks about my weight. Me and my mum and close so we hang out a lot but every single f*cking conversation includes 'loose weight', 'your too fat', 'your gonna die', 'look how your fat is hanging', 'no one will marry you'. We were at a wedding 2 weeks ago and I felt like I looked nice and in the middle of the event she just came up to me and said 'you need to loose weight you look so fat' and gestured to my belly. I can't explain to you how painful it is to hear these comments. My mum isn't a bad person, in fact most the time she is too nice. And she cried (actual tears) because she is worried about my health, but when she does this it makes me want to just run away/slash not do anything because I feel so angry and frustrated at her comments. Tbh, when I am trying to loose weight, she is radio silent she just lets me get on with it. But that isn't motivating for me - that makes me feel like the only reason I would do it is to shut her up.

I don't think I can live like this anymore, getting this abuse (and from dad too, who literally today said it looks like I can't even walk anymore which is a gross exaggeration obviously because I am fit enough to run/jog etc I just don't do it for whatever reason). The abuse isn't helpful, it is not motivating and no matter how much I try to get my mum to stop she won't. She says she won't stop till I am slimmer and healthy. But I can't deal with that. I feel like I will cry now writing all this down. I WANT to loose weight, I just don't know why I don't do it. Yes it is laziness, but I am also scared that if I did just loose it - what if nothing changed for me. What if I still felt ugly? What if I was still single? What if people still called me fat? I don't know how I would cope. I am so use to being this way and handling the abuse I don't know what I would do if I lost the weight and people still didn't accept me for what I was.

I feel so lost you all. And I know a lot of you will comment just stop being lazy or feeling sorry for yourself. But I need help, I need a way to find answers. I feel soooooo lost and hopeless when it comes to this. I fear I will get health problems, will never feel good in my body, feel pretty and remain alone because no one wants a fat girl. I want to live my best life but I don't know how.

2

Speak to your doctor, get a prescription for Duromine or Contrave, and with the right diet and exercise, you can lose weight.

3

I’m sorry you have to experience this. Putting the relationship of mom-daughter aside, bodyshaming is the worst thing to do. I’m sure she has all the good reasons like she loves you and all but just like other several methodologies our parents often pick up very disturbing ways to handle things and they cannot recognize the big fact that it hurts us sometimes. Yes at times it helps too but what if it doesnt?

I disagree with navz that there is a doc needed here. No, not at all.

All you need to do is to do things for yourself. Dont care about others. Like literally noone. You will be much better off. Stick to gym because fitness is great and you feel great doing workout daily. If you stay away from bad diet and stick to good diet its because your health stays better which helps in the long run as well.

Btw, have you tried Keto diet? A couple of my cousins just did recently for a month or so and they ended up doing great. Its not that aweful at all. Even I’m thinking to try it now. The best part of it s that you do that for a couple of months and then go back to regular diet alongwith workout.

Anyhow, the point is you do everything for yourself. The important thing in your life is YOU!

4

Even if you were so skinny your parents would be the same, they would comment you for being skinny and ask you to put on weight etc etc, this is not your parents who are abusing you, they are like other concern parents, don?t be so sensitive! You can control your weight thats why they are asking you to do so! Doesn?t mean you should get frustrated for this reason, In ?āʾ Allāh (إن شاء الله‎,) you will do it! Just make a strong intention! I believe instead of any diet just be active and walk run whatever excercise you think can give you peace of mind! Running is the best thing! :flowers:

5

You asked, “What if I lost the weight and people still do not accept me?” You have to understand that you will never have 100% acceptance; not even if you were Miss World. You could lose the weight and people may not accept your for a host of other reasons that may or may not have anything to do with your looks. And that’s okay. You know why? Because even YOU do not accept or even like every single person. Do you like or approve of every single rishta that comes your way? Are you attracted to every person you meet? Nope.

If you have never heard your mom criticize other aspects of your appearance (your hair, your nose, your skin color, etc)…then (I’m guessing) chances are that she won’t start picking on those things if you were to lose the weight. Now if your mom is in the habit of picking on your other features then she may not stop even after you have lost the weight. You know your mom better than we do.

Why not sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your mom and tell her point-blank that her words hurt your feelings, that they make you feel more depressed than motivated, that they increase your anxiety and make you fear that you will still not be accepted even after losing the weight. And also tell her that “Complaining about things doesn’t make results happen faster.” This is something I’ve told my mom. Tell her that her words increase your anxiety and that it’s preventing you from being proactive. Have you tried taking to into confidence another family member (dad, sibling, aunt, etc) who may be able to reason with your mom on your behalf? If not…then maybe that’s something to consider. Maybe when your mom hears it from more than one person, it may have greater impact.

If and whenever you do decide to lose weight, it should be because YOU want to do it. Your body (like all other blessings such as your youth, your health, you name it)…is a gift to you from Allah and so as gratitude you should do your best to take care of it. And that goes for all of us. You owe it Allah and to yourself because it can only positively enhance the quality of your life…not so much to other people. You should visit the Pinkvilla website and read the comments section where those waif-like actresses with their conventional good looks are criticized for their weight, their style, their, their thoughts, their lifestyle choices, and what not. Even they have not been blessed with 100% approval/acceptance…so it’s pointless to make that a goal, Beebs. There are countless beautiful women out there who get dumped and cheated on and fired and what not. You’re stressing out because you have grossly magnified “social acceptance” and you’ve made it your end goal. You’ve already taken some steps toward betterment. For example, you set an appointment to speak with an expert. That’s a start. Be proud of yourself for even taking that step. Until you have your appointment, in the meantime maybe you can do some research on some options in terms of exercise…and try out things you feel comfortable with. For example, if you don’t like running…then don’t. If you prefer to walk…then do it. You can intensify your walk by wearing a weighted vest and you can make it more enjoyable by listening to music as you go. If you don’t feel comfortable going to the gym…then try lifting weights in the privacy of your own room. If you’re not ready to exercise, then look into what adjustments you can make in food. For me…I will pack on the pounds with soda and chocolate. When I either eliminate those things or cut back…it does make a difference (even without exercise). We tend to give up faster when we bite off more than we can chew. So break your goals into smaller steps that will be easier for you to manage. And however and whenever you go about it…you do it for you.

2 Likes
6

Fat girls do get married

your mummy wont back off , as she thinks she is showing her care like this

get a health check up , it can be hormones , bloating etc etc

As you can still be fat even if vegetarian and exercice daily

can be emotional well being or depression

take up a exercise as a hobby

can be basic like daily walk or jog or run or simply push ups or skipping rope, anything to do daily

just for your overall well being and health

7

Orlistat is no longer recommend in most of the developed World.

8

Yeah I am UK trained but Orlistat is no longer considered first line in many countries, there are newer and better alternatives.

Anyways best of luck.