Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
No need for personal attacks. I clearly asked in mu post to not give any harsh hurtful commebts. If u dont have anything good to say, dont say anything*. You can simply just leave the thread if you can't be nice*.
remember not to say this to your husband...EVER!
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
remember not to say this to your husband...EVER!
I won't embarrass myself by arguing with you. I really hope you dont talk this way in real life or you would be a lonely individual. Try to think of others feelings And pick your words wisely. Kindness goes a long way. Anyway idon't want to argue so goodbye and have a great day.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
Long distance can be tough. I had to do it for over a year with my fiance....and I sometimes would feel the same as you do. Men are just not programmed the way most women are. I think they also get a bit weirded out by emotional outbursts etc. In the beginning, my fiance would just be so...weird, like...he wouldn't know how to respond, if I were crying or something. He's gotten a whole lot better at consoling now that we're married and live together. But back when we were engaged, and I realized I was not going to get the kinda comfort I needed from him, I just stopped expecting it from him, and would talk to my mom or friends about whatever I needed to talk about.
Also, most men usually don't like sitting for hours and chatting away, unless it's the beginning of a new relationship. So I think it's normal for your husband to want to watch a movie, talk for a bit and then get on with his work. They think more logically. I can see why it would upset you, it did me too at times. But I just learned to accept that that's his personality and it's nothing personal.
I do think once you guys are living together, things will get much better. He will probably respond to your needs much better too then. But I suggest you don't always call him up to vent, because you don't want his memory of his talk times with you to be of venting and outbursts always. Try keeping your conversations light and fun mostly. And if after you constantly ignoring his calls, he still calls you and is nice to you instead of getting angry - shows he cares. A lot of guys won't even be patient enough to do that.
how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
First of all, you cannot dictate to your husband how he should react or tell him exactly what to do in order to pacify you. He is his own person, his personality is molded by his own experiences and opinions…he’s not a programmable robot
Second, a couple of months back you started this thread, and admitted how your jealousies and insecurities get the best of you, how you want the “perfect trophy husband” (this is a direct quote from you)
In one thread he’s doing everything right, but in this thread he can’t even console you properly?
Girl, what is it you want out of your life? Perfection does not exist. There is no perfect husband, no perfect career, no perfect child..perfect house…perfect friend…the ones who desire that “perfection” are the ones riddled with insecurities.
You’ve got to stop this way of thinking or nothing he or anyone else for that matter will ever be good enough for you.
Learn to love yourself and truly be thankful/grateful for what you DO have, and not wan’t you DON’T.
I’m not trying to be ugly, but you seriously need to get some help from maybe a therapist or life coach to work through these issues.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
How??? He refuses to listen to anything i say and gets defensive. He thinks im too sensitive and emotional and hes tired of trying to make me happy. I told him exactly how i would like him to react since he said he was confused. But he says no, i dont tell u do stuff for me, why are u telling me? Goddd y cant he just do this if he knows its effecting me so much. Now he says he thinks were too different. And im starting to agree.
well, are you too sensitive and emotional? especially in comparison to how he is. You can't expect someone to get to how you are, he is his own own person, if he is not as sensitive and emotional as you then why do you insist on expecting her will be. As I said earlier, you guys need to figure out a middle ground. He reacts in a way that he is used to, you are asking him to change it to an approach he is obviously uncomfortable with. He can not 'just do this' because its effecting you so much…if you think its easy for him to 'just do this'…then shouldn't it be easy for you to see that its not 'effecting you so much"
Red Velvet wrote a lot of what I thought so no use rehashing it.
I will however give you a man's perspective. I dont expect you to agree with it, or even fully understand it, but it is with the hopes that it may give you a little insight which can get you adjust your timing of both when, and duration of these discussions, and then topics you can cover.
I am married, travel off and on for work, but did the consulting mon-thu travel for some time so have some idea of what his days may be like.
travel is no fun, pack up, leave early morning…traffic, security, being packed like sardines in a flying tin, then you land and have to get out and get to the office, and people dont care that you got up at 4 am to catch a 6:30 am flight and while you are just walking into the office at 10 am, u have been up and about for almost a full day, so you dive into work. Monday evening is tough, your brain is fried, you are exhausted, and just want to get to your hotel, check in, unpack and sleep.. Tuesday is your first sane day..but you need to catch up, and work 12 hours, btw after work you may have dinner with your team and/or client and its not all fun and games, if your seniors and/or clients are present, you are talking shop. u are being observed and you have to have your game face on. these dinners take too damn long, but from a career and client relations perspective are critical.
WEdnesay is very similar, except often you work later because Thursday has to be a shorter day. so u work 12-14 hours, eat and crash. Thursday you repack your bag early, and show up at work, its a shorter day at the office because you are going home, so u leave at 3:30 to get to the airport in time to catch a flight that will get you home in a decent hour..you walk in the door at 9 pm, totally spent and need to just sit down for a bit, because unlike people who work local and got home at 6, you have had no time at home, and you just like them have a work day on friday.
Mondays and Thursdays are bad days to have any detailed conversation about feelings and emotions, the dude's brain is fried. Tuesday and wednesday are busy work days, and you steal some time for yourself just to zone. I can't tell you how many times I have sat in my hotel with the TV on and its just on the hotel welcome message thats looping every 5 minutes..or have some crap running in the background as background noise as I veg. I love my wife, we have been through a lot together, and when its absolutely necessary I have stepped out of meetings to talk, but even then I did not have 30 minutes, it would be consoling and all but I simply did not have the time to help her work through everything she was feeling. the career is important, my team, my client, customers are counting on me to do my best, and work life balance is great but i can't regularly take out time in the middle of the work day to play a shrink. Thats the situation he is in, he needs to have his A game on at all times, because he is trying to grow in his career, for himself you and you guys family and kids. He is one of many in a churn and burn situation, if he is in consulting its a move up or move out culture as far as growth is concerned.
You say he does not understand your needs, do you understand his needs. there are times he can't talk, there are times he can talk but really shouldn't, because its been a tough day and he is not in the right frame of mind to go play supportive dude at length especially if its not his style. If he tries and his style or approach is not good enough, of course he is going to recoil because he is making time and doing what he can and that is not good enough for you…i can understand his frustration
The travel has a big impact it adds hours of commute time mon and thursday, decreases the hours you are working those days so you have to do more work on tuesdays and wednesdays plus with the same happening with others there is a very set schedule of updates, meet ins, reporting that is taking place then. its not fun and games and it is a different experience then a usual 9-5 because aside from a demanding consulting culture, it also does not have travel time and trying to fit a lot in fewer number of days for meetings and discussions, which are not always fun.
have some understanding of his situation. I dont know what your set of circumstances are requiring emotional support, but in my case, they were fairly serious issues and tragedies we faced. Only way I could do my job was to compartmentalize and focus, and we made time to talk when we both would have time and would be in the right state of mind. Sometimes reaching out for the phone as a first reaction for any stress is not the best approach. SItting back, contemplating, thinking it through, understanding your own emotions and feelings helps you get in a better place to be able to have a reasonable discussion. Other than that self reflection and contemplation before conversations, not dwelling in a topic, developing a thicker skin, and having things to do so your mind is not going in circles on the same topic are usually good things, but since i dont know you, your personality, schedule or situation, i am not sure what may be applicable to you from that list.
Think about it, its written with utmost sincerity.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
Sadly, i agree with you. It is my problem. I expect too much. Its something im working on, but its taking time.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
well, are you too sensitive and emotional? especially in comparison to how he is. You can't expect someone to get to how you are, he is his own own person, if he is not as sensitive and emotional as you then why do you insist on expecting her will be. As I said earlier, you guys need to figure out a middle ground. He reacts in a way that he is used to, you are asking him to change it to an approach he is obviously uncomfortable with. He can not 'just do this' because its effecting you so much…if you think its easy for him to 'just do this'…then shouldn't it be easy for you to see that its not 'effecting you so much"
Red Velvet wrote a lot of what I thought so no use rehashing it.
I will however give you a man's perspective. I dont expect you to agree with it, or even fully understand it, but it is with the hopes that it may give you a little insight which can get you adjust your timing of both when, and duration of these discussions, and then topics you can cover. I am married, travel off and on for work, but did the consulting mon-thu travel for some time so have some idea of what his days may be like.
travel is no fun, pack up, leave early morning…traffic, security, being packed like sardines in a flying tin, then you land and have to get out and get to the office, and people dont care that you got up at 4 am to catch a 6:30 am flight and while you are just walking into the office at 10 am, u have been up and about for almost a full day, so you dive into work. Monday evening is tough, your brain is fried, you are exhausted, and just want to get to your hotel, check in, unpack and sleep.. Tuesday is your first sane day..but you need to catch up, and work 12 hours, btw after work you may have dinner with your team and/or client and its not all fun and games, if your seniors and/or clients are present, you are talking shop. u are being observed and you have to have your game face on. these dinners take too damn long, but from a career and client relations perspective are critical. WEdnesay is very similar, except often you work later because Thursday has to be a shorter day. so u work 12-14 hours, eat and crash. Thursday you repack your bag early, and show up at work, its a shorter day at the office because you are going home, so u leave at 3:30 to get to the airport in time to catch a flight that will get you home in a decent hour..you walk in the door at 9 pm, totally spent and need to just sit down for a bit, because unlike people who work local and got home at 6, you have had no time at home, and you just like them have a work day on friday.
Mondays and Thursdays are bad days to have any detailed conversation about feelings and emotions, the dude's brain is fried. Tuesday and wednesday are busy work days, and you steal some time for yourself just to zone. I can't tell you how many times I have sat in my hotel with the TV on and its just on the hotel welcome message thats looping every 5 minutes..or have some crap running in the background as background noise as I veg. I love my wife, we have been through a lot together, and when its absolutely necessary I have stepped out of meetings to talk, but even then I did not have 30 minutes, it would be consoling and all but I simply did not have the time to help her work through everything she was feeling. the career is important, my team, my client, customers are counting on me to do my best, and work life balance is great but i can't regularly take out time in the middle of the work day to play a shrink. Thats the situation he is in, he needs to have his A game on at all times, because he is trying to grow in his career, for himself you and you guys family and kids. He is one of many in a churn and burn situation, if he is in consulting its a move up or move out culture as far as growth is concerned.
You say he does not understand your needs, do you understand his needs. there are times he can't talk, there are times he can talk but really shouldn't, because its been a tough day and he is not in the right frame of mind to go play supportive dude at length especially if its not his style. If he tries and his style or approach is not good enough, of course he is going to recoil because he is making time and doing what he can and that is not good enough for you…i can understand his frustration
The travel has a big impact it adds hours of commute time mon and thursday, decreases the hours you are working those days so you have to do more work on tuesdays and wednesdays plus with the same happening with others there is a very set schedule of updates, meet ins, reporting that is taking place then. its not fun and games and it is a different experience then a usual 9-5 because aside from a demanding consulting culture, it also does not have travel time and trying to fit a lot in fewer number of days for meetings and discussions, which are not always fun.
have some understanding of his situation. I dont know what your set of circumstances are requiring emotional support, but in my case, they were fairly serious issues and tragedies we faced. Only way I could do my job was to compartmentalize and focus, and we made time to talk when we both would have time and would be in the right state of mind. Sometimes reaching out for the phone as a first reaction for any stress is not the best approach. SItting back, contemplating, thinking it through, understanding your own emotions and feelings helps you get in a better place to be able to have a reasonable discussion. Other than that self reflection and contemplation before conversations, not dwelling in a topic, developing a thicker skin, and having things to do so your mind is not going in circles on the same topic are usually good things, but since i dont know you, your personality, schedule or situation, i am not sure what may be applicable to you from that list.
Think about it, its written with utmost sincerity.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I really needed it. You are right about everything. I am not blind to my downfalls. I realise later too that im wrong, but at that moment my emotions get the best of me. He is extremely busy, he works full time and hes doing his masters part time too. And he travels by car, 6 hours each way. I feel so completely terrible right now for giving him such a hard time this week. Trust me the last thing i ever want to do is hurt anybody, especially him. I just assumed hes not caring enough, when maybe he was really busy, trying his best or just didn't understand me. Its true that i am too emotional and sensitive, its something i have to deal with. But thank you for your honesty. I knew in my heart i was wrong, i guess i just needed to hear it from someone else.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
[QUOTE]
I knew in my heart i was wrong, i guess i just needed to hear it from someone else.
[/QUOTE]
hey i said the same thing....
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
I am not saying you are wrong or he is wrong. I just showed you a possible scenario of what his days are like..add to it a part time masters and its even more. I still maintain that both of you need to try and meet each other halfway on it, maybe you need to manage how often, how long and how involved these support sessions are, and maybe he needs to be a little more available. Him learning to be more open and able to relate and console is going to be very useful later as he tries to become an involved, connecting, understanding, supportive dad rather than the abba hazoor type dads. I know changing my style helped me, because now when my daughter comes to me with what may seem like a silly little issue from a grown up perspective is a big deal for her. same for my son, I am more patient, dont expect them to be all matter of fact, summary of situation and alternatives with pros and cons for my review and feedback. home is not work, its home.
try changing your approach a bit, he will see you are trying to make a better go at it, then plan some time to talk about it, ..be open, keep it short, have a few concrete things come out, like when he is traveling what is a good time to call and chat. and the chat can and should be more than a vent session, make plans for weekend, discuss menu for the days he is home. you can not get stuck in a thursday night to monday morning marriage. so how you stay connected and involved is important. it depends on your personalities and interests. some ppl have an ongoing online chess or scrabble game, some play multiplayer games together, one silly couple get on Skype and both are watching a TV show they like on TV and talking as they watch. its couple time…make it a time you guys look forward to connecting. ask him to note the silliest thing he saw on his drive, whatever..just enjoy each others company, dont make it a duty to dread but a time together to connect.
I am out of wisdom and bull**** for now, hopefully this proved helpful.
last point…with this give and take…sometimes family does come first regardless of how important the work is that you are doing. I was once at a conference in san diego to speak about a product i had launched, just hours after landing i got some bad news, there is nothing i could have done about it..but told my boss I have to go, gave my slides to my sales guy to cover, told him i will dial in to help..when they found out it was a family thing, they too said n..go we will figure it out…I got on the next flight and was home the same day I had left to be there to give her support. Its all about balance.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
i going through the same problems as u so funny cuz last nite i was thinking the same sort of thing , its natural for us women to go through the stress and missing u thing, its just u gotta realise some guyz just dont like showing the emotional side or lets say they just dont knw how to, i knw my husband loves me alot to but just doesnt knw how to express his emotional side towards me when im upset
maybe u just need to be a little patiant with your self dont work urself up im sure eventully in time he will change
try and change your routine go out with freinds so your less stressed out 
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
Well well, guilty as charged. I do t share my problems with my wife or mom, I know they can't do anything about my issues so there is no point telling them what I am going through. And in such times when they talk to me about something which I feel is rather trivial, I get irritated. Both complain that I can be very insensitive.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
Well well, guilty as charged. I do t share my problems with my wife or mom, I know they can't do anything about my issues so there is no point telling them what I am going through. And in such times when they talk to me about something which I feel is rather trivial, I get irritated. Both complain that I can be very insensitive.
eggsactly.....
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
You like to be consoled in one way, he consoles in another way. You guys will have to find a happy medium.
Lastly, do not think your husband is the replacement for your girlfriends.
He could be but that potentially could be another can of worms....
Btw joy, do you ask about his day and are caring towards him? Many times, the one way traffic of comfort gets really annoying.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
i had the same issue last night. i habe put on 10 kilos. i am so fat. i told him i was upset and that i had pu on 10 kilos of weight and waned to lose it all. he saw me upset. and said.
so by crying issei tumhara weight kam ho jayga? upset kyun ho, aur khao burgers and chips.
yeah so that was that.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
Well he is right... If you are concerned about your weight then do something about it.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
look at it this way,men are wired differently,but i could be wrong
they hate being told what to do
they console in an entirely different manner
like women they dont need assurances of love but
they need appreciation for everything they do for you and dont understand why u arent happy with their care and solution
when a problem arises they go into problem solving mode immediately and soon as its resolved come back to normal life.
guys also hate being asked to change
you werent over reacting-but peaceful talking might be better,if he's being nice,compliment him,say ur so sweet,he'll be nicer,if he's being sweet,encourage him.guys need positive reinforcement and support in a lot of cases in life,and sorry guys if im wrong.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
if you want to lose weight,join a gym,walking and dieting wont do much unless u start starving yourself,because women cant lose weight that way..you'll eventually have to join a gym.
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
I find it funny that the guys here can post page long essays in the religion forum or bring in religion to justify their wife not working and making them food all day long, and justify things like birth control be haram and more kids the better and people forget that Islam is very harsh on those men who do not pay respect to the women around them and hurt their feelings by being "insensitive"
You may think their issues are trivial but if she deems it serious enough to discuss then what harm do you incur upon your body and soul by listening? In fact, we forget how perceptive and delicate the Prophet was with women.
Came across an interesting story in the Quran, discussed by cool mufti menk. It's somewhere in a blog of mine, Check it out.
It will put shivers down the spines of Pakistani husbands. You hurt your wife's feelings by dismissing her or even dissing her about her looks...and it's like you gotta feed 30 hungry people or something to make up for it.
Something to think about
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
I've to agree with everything X2 wrote. It could not be said any better than what he has already written out for you.
My husband is required to travel several times during an year, sometimes it is planned months in advanced other times he has to pack his bag and leave in a few days time. We've been married for almost 9 years. Initially this was not something we had discussed. I actually had no idea he could land in a job like this even though I knew what field he was working towards. In the early days it was exciting and fun. I was able to join him for most of his longer trips, but now since we've a 6 year old and I've my own work to look after. It is not possible unless we know beforehand and can plan accordingly. Is it hard? Yes. Does it get easier? Yes, I think it does, but you've to be ready to make the required sacrifices as well. Sometimes we girls want our husband to replace our girlfriends. We want him to be the one we unload our everyday saga on, but that is not always possible when he is not face to face with you nor really beneficial IMO as guys brains just doesn't work like ours ;). Don't get me wrong, I've an amazing relationship with my husband. When he is here, he is 110 % in the role of a husband and father, but I know I've to give him space when he is away to be 110 % in whatever his work demands from him and I know he wont be able to be that if I can't chill out a bit. Long distance is always hard, probably a bit more for girls than guys as we require a bit more insurance and what not. I think that's where the guys might want to take out 10-15 mins a day just to talk/listen to their wives etc. It works like a charm with us. I get my speak time ;) and he gets his zone out time hehe.
You've to realize whatever he is doing is for you and your family after all. :)
Re: how are husbands supposed to react when the wife is upset?
if you want to lose weight,join a gym,walking and dieting wont do much unless u start starving yourself,because women cant lose weight that way..you'll eventually have to join a gym.
The gym makes it easier but it definitely IS possible to lose weight without going..
I dropped 10kg fairly easily at home by cutting out red meat.. and that was without extra exercise..
I eat it ocasionally now but before I used to have a quarter pounder (sometimes two) every single day.. It was a really bad habit..