so we have had enough discussion about the responsibilities of wives after having kids and how husbands feel about it.
Here is a turn for wives to spill the secrets and pour their hearts out. I am sure wives feel great if hubby is loving and caring to both the wife and the kids but there must be some out there who would think that hubby loved me more before we had kids or used to spend more time with me, n blah blah.
So what would be the wives reaction?
How do wives feel if a husband is paying more attention to the children and vice versa?
Moreover, how do husbands deal with it?
Personally, if my husband would care for children more, I would be jealous and upset. No kidding about it!
I've seen wives like that, kind of jealous of the kiddies....but personally, I love to see my hubby love his kids. WE made these kids together and its just beyond words to see how he loves them. As far as pouring hearts out and spilling secrets, well, I dont have any complaints...the things beyond our control get to us and have caused tension (see previous recent thread lol!!) but beyond that kinda thing we just work thangs out!
Mama.. I ,somehow, expected your presence here. hehe
This is exactly what my mom would say that she loved it when daddy would pay more attention to us and it will hurt her if he ever said anything mean to us, even if it was supposed to be good for us. I don't feel that way, as of YET, I must say. If wife is going to bring those kids in this world, she deserves more love than those kids!
It's touching to see a father who loves his kids. I can't imagine ever being jealous of my daughter and the love she may have for him or he may have for her. If anything it should bring a couple closer together.
And Gemini, though I don't think you are being mean, I don't agree with your reasoning that the wife deserves more love because she brought those kids into the world. At the end of the day, we do not "bring" anyone into the world....the Almightly does, so let's not get carried away with the credit. And whatever difficulties we suffer through for the birth of our children, we do by choice and lovingly......with no strings attached.
We don’t have kids yet but I seriously doubt that I’d ever be jealous of how much attention/love my husband bestows upon our kid. I used to feel that way though. Two years ago, I was twenty and stupider so I thought oh my god, if we have a kid, he’ll love the kid more. Since then, I had a lot of issues with my parents when I found out that my Dad flat out told my Mom he doesn’t love me and for some reason, he just can’t. That was a weird moment in my life. It made me grow up and realize that comparing love between husbands/wives and love between parents/children is impossible. I know my husband adores me. Nothing will threaten that Insha-Allah. At the same time though, after I found out stuff about my parents it made me tell him that when we have a child, boy or girl, you better love that child so much that when I look at you and her/him, all the love that i felt was never present with my parents would me made up for because I would see it between you two. I don’t know if that made any sense but it made sense in my head :). My point is, I think being a mother is a very unselfish thing in and of itself. I think if I had a child when I was twenty, I would in no way be ready for it because I was still worrying about what if my husband loves my child more than me. I think being a mother, you’re going to want your husband to adore your kids because they are so much a part of you and watching him do that, watching him play with the baby, or having your daugther run to him when upset, will in turn make you feel adored by him because he is loving a part of both of you.
In any case, I don’t think it’s possible for my husband to love me any less Al-hamdulilah.:love:
I completely agree with that. Gemini, I don’t know how old you are or more importantly, where you are in life but I think when you get to that point where you are ready to have a child, I think you just might change that because you yourself will adore your child so much that him loving your child will just be an extension of his love for you.
so wives are quite unselfish and they would feel better and secure if the husband loves the kids more... . I think women are just designed this way and its instilled in us that its ok if hubby gets jealous and demands mroe attention but being a woman we shouldn't be complaining about it. oh well, probably, I have to experience this before I believe in it.. so I am not in a position of further arguments.
Muzna.. when I said, wives bring the kids in the world, I meant the pain and suffering and by no means I was trying to say that we have created these kids but also Allah Taala has given us a credit for going through the nine months of pain and labor by saying that heaven lies under the feet of mother. :-)
The purpose of the thread was just to get an insight about it rather than arguing about ifs and buts of it.
Gemini, I wasn’t trying to turn this into an argument. Sorry if i sounded judgemental :(.
As far as it being okay for wives to be unselfish but husband to get jealous on the attention she bestows on the children. . . well, i don’t agree with that. My husband doesn’t either. That’s a problem both in the Pakistan and the United States where husbands do get jealous. I don’t think it’s okay and I also think that if you are in a secure relationship where you truly put each other’s needs before your own, where you truly love and respect each other, there will be no jealousy from the husband or the wife if either bestows attention upon the child. But, in practice, that rarely happens which is really sad.
Anyways, sorry if i sounded argumentative. . . didn’t mean to.
Hm, well, I think it can become damaging if the child begins to love the father, yet HATE the mother. A father's love for the child is one thing, and I doubt in most cases that it would be that much more than a mother's love. In fact if anything, a mother's love is theoretically stronger, due to biological reasons, given the fact that she carried around each child in her womb for 10 months (not 9, since you don't know your'e pregnant for 1 month anyway).
But love can be SHOWN - and depending upon how the parents show their love - there could be potential for neg. effects.
Like if the father is showing his love by buying things all the time for the mother, and all the mother can do is scold or praise since she doesn't have a job herself, etc, then perhaps the child might feel like dad is "cooler". I know at least in my case, that's what happened. For me, my father was this incredible person, because he was able to show me the world, he would take me out, get me toys, spend more time in "fun" activities. My mother on the other hand, spent way more time with day-to-day work - like getting me to eat, clean up after myself, do things right, etc etc. So I always perceived her as the "mean one". I always equated my mom with "work". My dad with "play".
Looking back on it, that wasn't too fair to my mom.
solarocean.. I didn’t even think once that you were being judgemental.. I said so because I, seriously, didnt want this thread to be one of those very few ones where you start judging the starter of the thread and then forgetting the point being discussed, so please dun say sorry.
I opened this thread because almost every other day a grl opens up a thread saying.. how does a relationship change when you have kids and how do you deal with it.. how do you make an effort to give more time to hubby and also there are grls out there who keep delaying having kids because they want to spend more time with husband, so I was wondering how would they react if they find out that the hubby loves the children more than he loves her.
I totally agree with your point that even husbands shouldn’t be jealous of it but dun we see it in a normal routine where a grl keeps struggling to keep her husband happy by taking out time from cleaning the house, cooking, and raising kids. If a husband deserves some special attention and time after having kids then so does the wife.
PCG: you are absolutely right.. I loved it when dad would be home because then I would get more money for lunch at school as well less study at home because Ammi would give us more time to spend time with him.
Also, I wasn’t trying to say that kids would start hating their mothers but some kids just grow up closer to either mom or dad and the question was how would a grl face the situation where she feels like that her child is very attached to dad than her, and of course personally I will be jealous. I dunno why but I just feel that way, I might be wrong and have a totally different opinion after 5 yrs but until then thats how I see things.
Well, that's a situation that I as a wife, would speak over with the hubby. Wife and hubby need to stay together on things. You can't have the mother doing all the punishing and the dad bringing home candies and toys all the time. When the kid has done something wrong, both mom and dad need to make it clear to the kid. When th kid did something great, both mom and dad need to make it clear to the kid. Easier said than done, I'm sure.
But if you're talking about general affinity...like there are some things I'll talk to my mom about because I know she understands those issues better. Some things I'll talk to my dad about because he understands better. I can't really conceive how a child would just naturally love one parent more than the other unless there was some issue with the reward punishment system.
Given that both parents are loving and caring of course. I don't know, I guess there is more to the situation than what I see at this point.
I totally agree with your point that even husbands shouldn't be jealous of it but dun we see it in a normal routine where a grl keeps struggling to keep her husband happy by taking out time from cleaning the house, cooking, and raising kids. If a husband deserves some special attention and time after having kids then so does the wife.
OHHHHHH. I didn't know that's what you meant. Well of course. If he's going to get special attention then so should the wife :). Absolutely.
Also, I wasn't trying to say that kids would start hating their mothers but some kids just grow up closer to either mom or dad and the question was how would a grl face the situation where she feels like that her child is very attached to dad than her, and of course personally I will be jealous. I dunno why but I just feel that way, I might be wrong and have a totally different opinion after 5 yrs but until then thats how I see things.
I thought the question was what if your husband loves your child more than he loves you. . . heh, sorry. In that case, if my husband has an awesome relationship with my child and I have a crappy one prolly cause I'm doing all the disciplining, i'd smack him upside the head and make him do some disciplining while I get to play the cool one for a while . . . :) . . . . at least until it was balanced again.
I don't think i can be jealous of my lil boy.... but i do wonder sumtimes if hubby could be jealous as am spending more time with the baby now.. before the baby was born, he was the sun n moon of my life.. and now he got the competition... its hard to split the time between them.. i dunno if its natural but sum how even i feel m begining to ignore hubby... its hard to keep the balance between the two specially if you r working yourself ....
