No, that’s where guys misunderstand. I cite my career as a reason that I’m not gonna marry just anyone, because I have a lot to lose and a lot is at stake. I am in debt from my education, I have my parents to worry about taking care of, and I have my own fiscal portfolio at stake. I can’t get into a relationship where like other folks, I’ll be tricked into dropping my job after marriage because of MIL’s tantrums (seen that one too many times), or that my husband will try to control me financially (already experienced that with now TWO guys, who were beginning to control before even an enagagement), or where I have to support someone financially in addition to supporting myself and my parents (without contributing at all to housework, like who is losing here really?).
That’s why I harp on and on about my job. It means a lot to me, I don’t want to give it up, I don’t want someone to force me into dropping it for his own petty reasons, and I don’t want to be prevented from taking care of my parents. All this garbage I’ve had to already deal with guys which is why things haven’t now moved forward in TWO situations where I came pretty close to tying the knot.
Sign a pre nup then. I have assets in my name which I don’t see why anyone should be entitled to. If a girl had a problem with that I wouldn’t marry her. That’s a choice I’d make.
As far as giving up a career is concerned, clearly there are women, desi women, whose in-laws and husbands are fine with them working, and fully support their careers. To state that you haven’t found any such families is either bad luck on a cosmic scale, or it’s a matter of those families not being interested in you for whatever reason. That’s something you need to figure out.
I asked this before and I’ll say it again: if you found a guy who was willing to let you work as much as you want, met your religious and social criteria, but was lacking in say, looks or career, would you marry him? Because that’s exactly the type of compromise people sometimes have to make in a marriage partner. If you choose not to compromise, then that’s your choice as an adult, not solely society’s fault. We all know the flaws in our communities but to avoid taking any agency for your life is playing the damsel in distress.
And just to put it in perspective: talk to any guy in Pakistan who’s not from a wealthy family and they’ll tell you how difficult it is to find a decent job, which is a requirement to get married. No family will even consider them unless they’re deemed financially stable enough to support a family so it works both ways, at least to some degree.
This is true. The one area I could compromise on is an accent, in exchange for someone who I know nature-wise would never be selfish or bring harm to anyone. But the trade off is having intercourse with someone screaming “yah babie” in a desi accent.
I dunno about prenup. Just something mean about it where you’re already setting up an environment where mom and dad of future kids aren’t really a team, and if I have to start thinking about prenup then I know my gut isn’t trusting that person. So it begs the question, why make them your kids father?
The ideal would be someone you don’t need a prenup with that wouldn’t touch your money and would assume total financial responsibility for things like a home, kids expenses etc, which would make me actually want to help him financially. A guy who tells you to combine incomes then has the accounts in his control such that you can’t pull money out for yourself or your family is a huge turnoff and borderline criminal.
My dad doesn’t touch my mom’s money - funny thing is she has always had more from inheritance but he wants to keep it for her. Can’t find guys like that at all these days.
Yes, there are some girls who’ll only consider guys over 6 feet even if they’re not tall themselves or only doctors or graduates when they themselves aren’t.. I think it’s less common for girls to be like that though..
Those guys are around, but are all taken. If the girls don’t think about the financial matters, most parents certainly do and are always on the lookout for a guy like that for their daughter. So the guys don’t last.
And are you so flawless that you’re mocking someone who would otherwise be a decent match? If you found someone who met every criteria save the accent, and you reject him, that’s on you. Not your mom. Not society. Not your cousin who ended up marrying a girl who is supposedly better than him. Just you.
Fix your attitude and fix the kind of men you’re choosing. Make yourself flexible to change and open to ideas and different kinds of people.
My husband doesn’t touch my money but that doesn’t mean I don’t contribute to HH expenses at all. I still take care of some stuff on my own.
We are night and day different. He is a born and bred die hard Pakistani…I am not. He has an accent. He has good Urdu though so we trade words. He lives like Scrooge…I love to eat out and shop he doesn’t at all. He’d rather cook something at home and rotate the same clothes until they’re threadbare. But he is such a good guy…who cares if I don’t do anymore fine dining?
You WILL compromise on some things, PCG. Face it. So will your husband. Do you not think you have baggage of your own that your husband will have to deal with? You do and it shows in your posts. God knows, even I did when I got married.
Learn to be humble. Yes your career is important but at the end of the day…its not the only thing fulfilling you…you still are looking for a companion, aren’t you? When you get married, your marital life will have to be first and foremost in the beginning, that’s just how it will be IF you want to make it work. Your career will come second…not first…from that point forward.
Marriage is not a game played by only your rules…it doesn’t work like that. It takes a lot of compromise, changing and adapting to a lifestyle that is working for BOTH. Not just one.
In all fairness though…I will agree with you on one point…many men do prey on women who are financially strong…and quite shamelessly. In the process of learning to protect yourself, you develop a deep distrust for people and that shows without a woman wanting to let it show.
What I am trying to tell you is…maybe you need to change your attitude towards this process. Maybe you need to stop being so defensive and giving your career so much importance when getting to know these men. IF you want to get married, your attitude will have to change.
unrealistic demands usually stem from parental pressure
Eg. I just want someone not ugly who has a job, and grew up outside of Pakistan (I grew up outside Pakistan, so don’t want a culture clash)
I think the first one might be a bit shallow, but I have to be attracted to her
I don’t need a maid/cook I need a wife, I can cook and clean for myself, and a job would hopefully keep her off GS and TV and the constant b*tching and moaning (usually carried out by people with too much free time on their hands)
and then my blessed mother decides what she wants in her.(/facepalm)
because she’d be my wife, not my mother’s wife, like I want her to be happy but I’m not going to sacrifice my own happiness for her’s (my situation is awkward, I wasn’t raised by my mother) and chances are me and the wife would be living 1000s of miles away, so it wouldn’t be worth it. I’ve also told her I’m not going to be looking for a girl for myself, since that’s going to create more drama in it’s own right, but that last one isn’t set in stone.
