We have been married for 8 years now and he moved here with me and had nothing against it , His mother passed away few years back and father is alone back home who dosent wants to move here and we can’t move back to pak ,
My hubby always complain now that how guilty he feels about leaving his father and every other day I hear about how homesick he is. ( by the way we do visit…we’re both family people, and we see his fmaily at least once a year)
I know how he feels but We can not move to pakistan because we are not financially where we need to be and also because of our kids and schools etc …and my father in law dont wants to move here .
I know My hubby left his country and parents to be with me and that’s why I feel guilty when I see him sad :-(..
What can I do to make him stop feeling homesick and guilty ?
hmm I dont know 8 years and still homesick. I hope it doesnt happen to my hubby, although I am the one who is complaining that I want to live / visit Pakistan, he doesnt mind being here much, but his situation is different, he has 4 more brothers to take care of their parents, so he has no worries about back home. Although we do make plans for his parents to perform Haj and visit us when we are able to support financially Insahallah.
How can you make him feel stop from feeling home sick, I dont know if there is anything that can control such feelings, if yes, then I want it too. Even though I havent lived in Pakistan for such a long time, I sill love/enjoy the lifestyle there, but I think forever it would be boring too.
I think the best solution that I can give u, this is something that I wish to do sometimes in future myself, is to take 4-6 months free and go there for a longer period, especially the sommer months, I think the heat will be enought to kill any homesickness :p well seriously do take some time and go for a longer duration, I think that will make homesickness go away for a while, sorry thats all I can think of, I have come to this conclusion as result of my own homesickness for Pakistan.
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*Originally posted by mehroo: *
We have been married for 8 years now and he moved here with me and had nothing against it , His mother passed away few years back and father is alone back home who dosent wants to move here and we can't move back to pak ,
My hubby always complain now that how guilty he feels about leaving his father and every other day I hear about how homesick he is. ( by the way we do visit...we're both family people, and we see his fmaily at least once a year)
I know how he feels but We can not move to pakistan because we are not financially where we need to be and also because of our kids and schools etc ...and my father in law dont wants to move here .
I know My hubby left his country and parents to be with me and that's why I feel guilty when I see him sad :-(..
What can I do to make him stop feeling homesick and guilty ?
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^ does he not have siblings who can take care of his father for now, untill ur financial situation gets better?
I don't think he's homesick, he's worried about his father. Maybe he should go back for a smaller period, make sure his father is comfy (as much as possible without him being around forever) and then visit him more ofen. Like twice a year for smaller periods instead of the whole fam for months?
mehroo aapi, maybe i shudnt be replying to this thread, seems like more of a shadi shuda ladies type topic lekin i thought why not butt in with my two centz since im veli in the offis right now:D hope u will not mind
i know someone who is in ur situation…i mean, my uncle and aunty have shifted from their gaaon in punjab…and uncle’s father is in gaaon..uncle is only son…their kids all were born and brought up in karachi…now uncle’s father lives alone in gaaon with uncle’s sis who is also old and ill…
uncle’s father doesnt wana come in karachi…uncle cant go and shift to gaaon coz of his kids all studying here
uncle is always worried about his father…and it only becomes worse because the gaaon folks come and rub it in that ur son is living in karachi and doesnt care about u…which is far from the truth as uncle is always thinking abt his father…
i dont know what the solution is…i guess one cant have everything in life…somewhere one does have to give a sacrifice…
and i think sabah baji is right…bhai jaan is not homesick…i think he is just worried about his father…
why dont u all go in one summer vacations…maybe he will get attached to ur kids and want to shift to DK with u? u shud try to convince him that life in DK isnt bad…and he can always keep visiting pak…maybe he is worried he wont have anything to do for the whole day in DK? another thing with our male buzurgs is they have a lot of self pride even in their old age they dont want to be dependent on their kids…maybe he feels like coming to DK he will become dependent on his son…so to avoid that maybe u guys can set up something for him there? maybe a shop or some small business so he can also keep busy and active?
if he sees that u guys r going to set up a life for him in DK which will be good for him and where he can also be a master of his own will and not feel dependent, he might actually consider moving? i am sure he also would love to live with his son, bahu and grandchildren
maybe u r doing this already...but i thought id mention anywayz... :) maybe u shud try to convince him from the point of view that his son and his grand kids need him to be with them...and he is really NEEDED...as opposed to, there is no one to take care of him in pak...
make him feel that he is needed there in dk...which he is ofcourse...
mehroo…i agree with irem completely …may be you need to talk to ur FiL… n i mean u …urself should try to discuss it with him …coz only ur hubby asking him again n again might be giving the impression that only the son is willing n rest of you don’t like it etc. …n if that IS the case he will never even think of moving out of pk.
I could be wrong but I think he is just exploiting the situation. It's been eight years and I understand you two have children too. So, his first prioity is his wife and children. If his father is not willing to move over, then it's his problem.
Tell him to stop acting like a 10 year old and prioritize his duties.
PS. I apologize if my advice came across as rude but I see no other way of putting it.
I think what Fungu is tryiiinggg to say is that life isnt always fair and your father in law should try to come here.
As for you feeling guilty.. well im sure your hubby is better off where he is now too... I mean if it was that bad an idea he would have never moved to another countries with new oppurtunities as well as a wonderful wife like you.
Thank you Muniya for explaining my 'so hard to understand Oxford Dictionary style Angrezi' into plain and simple words of yours. I think I need a feminine touch in my life.
As someone else mentioned, have your hubby visit more than once a year to check on his dad. That should reduce some of the homesickness. After 8 years, it does seem kinda odd. Sounds more like a convoluted Mid-life crisis.
I also like Irem's idea, make your FIL feel that he is needed w/ his son (guessing he's the only or oldest son and thus very attached) and grandkids, but yeah it is extremely hard to convince the older folks. I know we never could convince our grandmother to move to the US sigh
Elder ppl shouldn't move to western countries, IMHO. They've got nothing to do up here, except counting cars from their bedroom window.
FG, famlies meiN prioities kaiseiN? Theres no need to provoke a situation, its great that he loves his father, shows his personality. He could be with him more often, like fly back for a week twice a year or even more. Its not that expensive and his father will feel loved and be more relaxed, this guilt feeling will be gone too.
I wouldn't recommend anyone to dare their husbands when its about their parents.
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*Originally posted by funguy: *
I could be wrong but I think he is just exploiting the situation. It's been eight years and I understand you two have children too. So, his first prioity is his wife and children. If his father is not willing to move over, then it's his problem.
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FG the guy is from Pakistan, you know what its like, the son is expected to live with and take care of his parents. Thats probably why he feels guilty.
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*Originally posted by M: *
FG the guy is from Pakistan, you know what its like, the son is expected to live with and take care of his parents. Thats probably why he feels guilty.
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If he weren't from Pakistan, does that mean he has more options...less guilty perhaps?
If he weren't from Pakistan, does that mean he has more options...less guilty perhaps?
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You mean someone brought up in the west, yeah.
I dunno bout options, depends on the individuals situation (especially financial), but definately people here would generally feel less guilty. Its part of the society and culture their brought up in, which does affect a persons way of thinking.
lekin i thought why not butt in with my two centz since im veli in the offis right now:D hope u will not mind
even in their old age they dont want to be dependent on their kids…maybe he feels like coming to DK he will become dependent on his son…so to avoid that maybe u guys can set up something for him there? maybe a shop or some small business so he can also keep busy and active?
