(this is not directed at any of the hinnas currently on pak.org)
I have never seen hinna… i have talked to her on phone , chatted to her… infact i think i know her more than i know myself… its so strange that when u love some 1… and i mean “love” some one…not like … curt or burt
… the world doesnt seem important any more… any real realtionships u have including parents and relatives seem meaningless… she is everything to me… i dont know how many ways i can relate her to my self … she is a teacher to me … she is that especial friend i can talk to about anything without feeling any guilt…she is like that mother figure… but most importantly she is an elder sister that i always wanted… that i always had longed 4…and never had..
I am not sure what is wrong with me… i feel nothing 4 any 1 else… i dont feel anything 4 my REAL sisters, cousins, parents or my friends… its just her now… HINNA >>HINNA>>>>HINNA… my friend …my sister… this is not natural… what is wrong with me… i can do anything 4 her… i want to obey her… listen to her… (and i do that)…if she tells me to blow my head off… i swear to god… ill do that too … My sister recognizes the passion i have 4 her… but doesnt know the havoc she has induced in my brain ..she has taken over my friends place.. my parents and every 1 i ever felt love 4 …because of this “love” (its a strange word) .. i cant concentrate what i do… i cant think about anything… we i eat i would say “i wish i could give that to hinna”… when i am asked to make a choice my mind responds " what would hinna do" … she is not my actual sister… not an actual relative then y…why… why do i feel that way… has any body ever felt this warmth…this PURE sensation 4 some one free from lust …from any conditions… .. I dont know why i am writting this… just want to know about ppls response.. What is ur opnion… (plz be kind and mature about it… dont want any comments like “u loser” …) … i need help… i need to know if i am going insane ..
) … and as for discussing the matter with sis/mom goes (my sis are younger than me)…it aint that easy … no body would understand me (u know what i mean)..theyll think i just need a bit more responsibilities to get my head straight… no body would recognise the relationship i have cause the whole world is full of sickos they’ll relate that to some perversion …which is sad… thanks 4 the advice though i admire ur brain .. ur so clear with no confusion .. whereas i have no idea what i am doing 4 half of my time … i think “pakistani abroad” is right just need a bit of time ..ill get over it …
the thing is come to think of it I dont want this feeling to go… i dont want the normality in my life … the pain i have …the pain for being helpless to do anything for my sister is sweet!!! … it is strange that it hurts knowing that i would be able to show my gratitute… my love… my passion if i was actually there… i want to follow her… be her student… be a friend … an obedient brother that would do anything 4 her …all she would need to do is point a finger … It is painful to think that if this “fantasy” is fullfilled (get real)i MIGHT be confronted with a person which is not a godess not a perfect sister …not a perfect person i idolize i worship.. but at the same time this pain … the pain from lonliness , helplessness and ..from frustration masks all the other difficulties i have in my life… all the course work… deadlines …the responsiblities… they dont seem important anymore..they are meaningless now… it is like they are not real …and this is real… Hinna is real… My sister ..my godess is real.. she is a drug… a sweet drug that exterminates all the pain … all the problems and ur troubles just drift away…
u suggest meeting her?.. hmmm… that is a thing i was thinking about but kinda scared to face the truth… dont know… maybe one day… (any wayz she lives in a different country than me ..but that is certainly not a problem i can spend few hours in air and few mins at her place… but dont know what to expect ) and as 4 keeping a journel thing goes even though i have developed my own encoded language system thingy (pretty neat huh? )
i am too lazy to keep a diary (it takes ages to write my language ..havent practised that much… and i cant use normal plain old english cause even if i bury the diary under 89 layers of solid concrete my sisters will find it… they keep messing my stuff and i cant stop them
[quote]
Originally posted by PakistaniAbroad:
** parents have a way of 'sucking' when you're in your teens.. surprisingly they become very dear and near to you as you grow older.**
[/quote]
Yes, I adore my parents but they become kind of suffocating when we don't agree on things.
Sarah she is a perfect object ..with no guile ... she is clear like a glass... u can see straight through her... talking to her would make u say "is she a human ... is she real.... y is she so nice" ... dont know what to say now... brain not working.... where was i???... any way thats it sarah ..
**Note:
Outside links are not permitted on Gupshup**
[This message has been edited by X 1 (edited December 09, 2001).]