Hilarious article by Mark Richardson

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport/hi/english/cricket/newsid_1969000/1969667.stm

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What a hiding! The biggest Test loss in our history. Tit for tat, I guess you could say.

Last time we played Pakistan we played them in our backyard on our green surfaces and produced our biggest Test win.

This match was in their backyard here in Lahore and they produced their biggest Test win.

So now I have played a part in New Zealand’s biggest winning and losing margins. Good or bad depending on how you want to look at it.

When reviewing this Test you cannot go past Inzamam-ul-Haq’s triple century.
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He simply didn’t look like getting out from the minute he came in. His temperament is quite incredible.

It would appear that nothing can excite or rattle him.

Inzamam’s removal seemed impossible

He simply plods along at his own pace looking equally unenthused whether ducking a bouncer, defending or bludgeoning one of the biggest sixes you have ever seen.

It felt like our best chance of getting him out was sneaking in on him if he fell asleep at the crease, which actually looked a possibility.
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When a team gets a huge score, as in this case, once you have finally bowled them out there is always the expectation of your batting team doing the same.
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“It’s absolutely flat!” say our bowlers. “If you get yourself in you should be able to kick on too a really big one” says the coach.

But us batters all know they have Shoaib Aktar and who cares how bloody flat it is.
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Speed

Releasing the ball regularly at speeds over 95 mph, he doesn’t really need sideways movement of be a little difficult.

Four of our top five batters bowled by yorkers was testament to that.

Once Shoaib had demolished our top order, the game was gone.

With so much time left and the quality of their bowling attack it felt like just a matter of time before they chipped us out.

Probably one of the best ways to illustrate the difference between the two bowling attacks is when they batted Insamam and Youhana didn’t even bother with thigh pads.

Shoaib’s deliveries were like ‘bullets’

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When we batted we all wore two thigh pads, chest guards, arm guards, extra padding in our leg guards,* you name it we tried to wear it.


Just like against England, we are quickly one down in the series and searching for answers and once again the answer is plain and simple - hard work.

We have to somehow get 300 plus and then deny them easy runs.

Scoring well against this Pakistan attack over here is a real challenge.

First you must see off the extreme pace of Shoaib and deal with the nippy swing and control of Waqar Younis, once you have managed that you have to show great technique against the crafty Saqlain, then following that negotiate reverse swing and **if you do all that you can start all over again with the new ball. **

What do you do when faced with such a challenge?

You call in the army, **or in our case our security liaison officer who has a special forces back ground. **

A few words from him and we are all ready to die for our country or at the very least get in front of a few Shoaib bullets.

“The only thing to fear is fear itself”.

[This message has been edited by *Zaalim (edited May 06, 2002).]

I feel sorry!!